Baffling Twins Losses Cause Vikings to Issue Cease-and-Desist Order

[RandBalls Stu]

“Get your own thing,” the NFL team said in a strongly worded statement.The befuddling run of brain-scrambling Minnesota Twins losses has caused a lot of consternation among the team’s fans. It’s also caught the eye of the state’s professional football team. And not in a good way.

 

“When Minnesota’s sports teams falter in a style that mixes cosmic ineptitude, shattered expectations, and the dumbest possible bad luck, there is but one team that Minnesota turns to, and that’s the Minnesota Vikings,” the team said on Thursday. This announcement came as the Vikings filed a cease-and-desist order in federal court to prevent the Twins from “damaging (the Vikings) brand by consciously and with malice aforethought utilizing copyrighted material.”

 

The order cited the Twins’ most recent loss, a 13-12 extra-inning disaster at Oakland, as “pure content theft.”

 

“Anyone with a working knowledge of football knows that losing a game in the last minute is public domain,” said the team. “But blowing a lead at the end of regulation, mounting a comeback in overtime, then blowing a lead again? That’s Vikings football. And when the final play involves an errant throw sailing over the intended target? Come on. He (Luis Arraez) may as well have had ‘Cousins’ on the back of his jersey.”

 

The order also cited the baseball team’s big free agent signings as cause for concern.

 

“Sometimes free agent signings don’t pan out, no one disputes that. But when one of them kick starts a plague outbreak and the other one is statistically the worst closer of all time at his current pace? May as well just steal the Gjallarhorn and put Helga braids on TC Bear. Get your own (expletive) thing.”

 

The Twins could not be reached for comment. Rumors that the team plane landed in Deadwood, South Dakota by accident and the remaining healthy players are all hitchhiking back to Minneapolis could not be confirmed but are probably real.

 

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[Danchat]

If only the Twins could just take all the bad luck from the Vikings and let them finally win a Super Bowl!

[wsnydes]

This seems like an overreaction. Their seasons don't overlap a whole lot. It seems like there should be plenty of ineptitude, shattered expectations and ridiculous amounts of bad luck to go around in this town. If I were the Vikings, I'd be more concerned with the squad just to the southeast of Target Field.

 

Heck, why not join forces and utilize the same marketing firm?

[Dodecahedron]

Minnesota was once the epicenter of "professional" wrestling. Heck, maybe it still is, I guess I wouldn't know. Maybe we just have to admit that all professional sports in Minnesota are just theater. The Vikings in particular had a lot of pretenders over the years.

[cHawk]

Blowing leads seems more like a Falcons thing

[Hosken Bombo Disco]

The historic post-season losing streak is making the Twins cocky. I’d be careful if I were them.

[PopRiveter]

'“Anyone with a working knowledge of football knows that losing a game in the last minute is public domain,” said the team. “But blowing a lead at the end of regulation, mounting a comeback in overtime, then blowing a lead again? That’s Vikings football.'

 

 

This is just perfectly written, Stu. You got me laughing loudly. Well played! 

 

 

[Heiny]

Hilarious.  Thanks for the light-hearted relief?  Oops, did I say relief.  That's a bad word.

 

[Dave The Dastardly]

Rumor I heard was Colome and Sano were kidnapped by irate California Twins fans and were shipped to Tokyo via a slow boat to China. The kidnappers apparently informed the Front Office of the snatch but Falvey's secretary burned the note.

 

Rocco apparently hasn't yet missed either player because he thinks he gave them a week off.

[USAFChief]

https://www.google.com/search?q=blocked+punt+gophers+lose&oq=&aqs=chrome.0.35i39i362l5...5.-1j1j7&client=ms-android-tmus-us-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:fce95754,vid:RfIA7lhsSKs,st:0

 

Goldy Gopher says "pffffft. Last minute loss? Hahahahaha. Rookies."

[Dman]

That was a masterpiece!  Just a super fun read.  Thanks for making me smile amidst all of this bad luck losing. 

[adjacent]

 

This seems like an overreaction. Their seasons don't overlap a whole lot. It seems like there should be plenty of ineptitude, shattered expectations and ridiculous amounts of bad luck to go around in this town. If I were the Vikings, I'd be more concerned with the squad just to the southeast of Target Field.

 

Heck, why not join forces and utilize the same marketing firm?

The Timberwolves are just bad. But the goal here is maximum disappointment. That is what our guys are for. Example, having the game won with just an easy field goal, and throw an interception instead (remember New Orleans?). Winning 2-0 shocking the Seattle Sounders and then losing 2-3 in injury time (the Loons). Tease as with the Home Run record only to fail miserably once the play-off starts. That is what our guys go for.

[cHawk]

 

Example, having the game won with just an easy field goal, and throw an interception instead (remember New Orleans?).

 

I think that would’ve been a 56-yard FG, which isn’t easy at all, on the road, in a dome with probably ~130 dB of noise. But no question that would be better than the interception. Reminds me of the 2010 Divisional (Green Bay vs Atlanta) where, down 14-21, the Falcons could’ve kicked a 53-yard FG (very make-able for Matt Bryant at the time) as the clock expired at the half. Instead, Matt Ryan threw a pick six as time expired before the half.

[Brock Beauchamp]

I laugh, but it hurts.

[Otto von Ballpark]

 

I think that would’ve been a 56-yard FG, which isn’t easy at all, on the road, in a dome with probably ~130 dB of noise. But no question that would be better than the interception.

It was only 51 yards before the 12 men in the huddle penalty!

 

But yeah, the "easy field goal" example is the Blair Walsh playoff game, not the Saints NFC title game. I suppose they can all blur together after awhile...

[Don't Feed the Greed Guy]

These claims of "pure content theft" fly 'wide right' of the mark.

[joefish]

Good one.

[adjacent]

 

It was only 51 yards before the 12 men in the huddle penalty!

 

But yeah, the "easy field goal" example is the Blair Walsh playoff game, not the Saints NFC title game. I suppose they can all blur together after awhile...

So many Minnesota teams games, so many examples!