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Game Thread: Twins @ Marlins DEADLINE EDITION 7/31 @ 7:10 PM CST

Vanimal46

By Vanimal46
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Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
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ImperfectInsignificantAmmonite-size_rest

 

ANNNND Welcome! To Minnesota Twins Whine Line: John Wick Edition! I am your host for TODAY, Van Wick... One of the most dangerous assassins in the world! You may be asking yourself why someone would out themselves IMMEDIATELY as an assassin, and why I'm talking about the Twins today! Well, my friends, Derek Falvey hired me to do a very specific job after he learned I killed 77 guys because the wrong guy killed my ******* dog, and stole my car. You'll find out what I did to help the team after the intern tells you about the weather.

 

Uhhh, hi! Long time no chat... Wasn't really prepared for this! They're playing with the roof closed right? Hope so!

 

DYNAMITE drop in, bud! If you're reading this, odds are you know how sloooooow and BORING this trade deadline has been for the Twins... That's all been done INTENTIONALLY! Tons of trades were going to happen, but they weren't going to be trading with the Twins! Follow me on my journey "visiting" opposing GM offices...

 

San Francisco Giants HQ:

 

VW: I'm here to see Farhan Zaidi.
Receptionist: Okay? And you are?
VW: Van Wick... The Boogeyman. You're going to sleep now. Goodbye.

 

*Puts receptionist in sleeper hold... GENTLY*

 

VW: Farhan.... We meet again.
Farhan: Van?? How did you get through? Why am I even asking? I could have 750 people outside and you would find a way in.
VW: You're not negotiating with Mr. Falvey. That's going to change, today.

 

*Elbows Farhan in ribs. Knocks wind out of him*

 

Farhan: Please!! I have a family to think about. What do you want?
VW: I want Bumgarner and Will Smith. Your time to sell is NOW!
Farhan: If I accept, will you spare me my life?
Van Wick: I will, today. Can't promise you tomorrow.

DEAL APPROVED!

 

john-wick.jpg

 

New York Mets HQ:

 

Van Wick: Brodie, you're a joke. You really thought you could get Byron Buxton for Thor??
Brodie: I'm actually getting intel from your intern... He seems to play a ton of MLB The Show and I don't know what I'm supposed to do here...
Van Wick: You INSULTED Mr. Falvey. And you're talking to my intern?!! Now I'm going to embarrass you like the joke you are...

 

* Wrestles Brodie into submission, ties his hands to the desk*

 

Van Wick: I'm going to count to 5, and if you don't approve a trade of Thor for Kirilloff and Duran you're not going to be able to sign anything for the rest of your life.
Brodie: Can you at least untie my hand so I can sign it?
Van Wick: NO! You're signing this as is.
Brodie: Fine...

DEAL APPROVED!

 

acceptance-john-wick.gif?w=618&h=345&cro

 

 

Detroit Tigers HQ:

 

Gardy: Why did someone leave a DQ blizzard in this cage?

Walks into cage

Van Wick: You make this too easy, Ron.
Gardy: Van? Well gosh, you know my kryptonite is an oreo blizzard. How the hell are ya?! I haven't seen you since we hired you to help us with the AJ Pierzynski trade!
Van Wick: Now you work for the enemy, Gardy. I've gotta do something bad to you to intimidate you to act NOW.

 

*Takes DQ Blizzard out of Gardy's hands*

 

Gardy: NOOOOO! I'll do anything! What do you want?
Van Wick: Matthew Boyd, and Shane Greene, and Nick Castellanos.
Gardy: Is that it? What do I care? This team is going no where. They're all yours.
Van Wick: Great! Here's your blizzard back.

Gardy: How long will I be stuck in this cage for?

...

Van Wick: Haven't thought about it... I guess until the next time Vanimal hosts a game thread. 

Gardy: Ah, dang it. That could be a while.... eh?

Van Wick: Could be, pal. I'd get comfortable just in case.

DEAL APPROVED!

 

http://www.thefleamarcat.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/3-4.gif

 

 

With all of this driving and travel, I ran into an old friend in Grand Forks, ND... And BELIEVE IT or not, he still holds a weekly discussion with a special group of friends!

 

Today’s Joe M Conversation:

 

Maddon: Alright guys, Yoga time.

 

Morgan: C’mon, you’ve got to be kidding me.

 

Maddon: I’m not.

 

Montana: I absolutely hate it when it’s your turn to pick the activities.

 

Maddon: Let’s start with the Bharadvaja’s twist.

 

Morgan: How do you spell that?

 

Maddon: I don’t know, why do you ask?

 

Morgan: I’m not doing it but I want to document the abuse you are putting us through.

 

Maddon: Tuck your left leg under and cross your right leg across your lap. Then slowly twist to the right while placing your left arm behind your back, grabbing the toes on your right leg.

 

McCarthy: I can’t

 

Mauer: Just remove your right leg and it’ll be easier.

 

McCarthy: Thanks that helps.

 

Montana: Joe… Why are we doing this?

 

Maddon: Position Flexibility… it’s very important.

 

Morgan: Here we go again… Position Flexibility... you’ve been talking with Riverbrian. We’ve been through this… he’s insane.

 

Maddon: If you are shallow you don’t need it… but if you are deep… you must be flexible. It’s the trade deadline… teams will be acquiring depth. We must get ready for it.

 

McCarthy: Guys… I’m stuck. Seriously… I can’t move.

 

Maddon: If you have a first basemen who only plays first base and you have a chance to acquire Jose Abreu for a fair price, you can if your first basemen has some positional flexibility.

 

Mauer: Why is everyone looking at me?

 

Let's make a trade TODAY Twins!!! In case if a trade doesn't happen, we wanted to give you PLENTY to think about! If you don't want to think at all.... Well, turn up the tunes, man!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcnHcuXhgvo

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Jerr FCL Twins

Jerr

Verified Member
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I hope the Twins come out with as much energy, as was put into the the OP's post! Great job "Vanimal 46"!!!

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
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Well, done, Van!

 

This is for you in recognition of a job well done:

 

You can thank a long time game thread opener for the Joe M conversation! Both of us came out of retirement for the annual trade deadline thread!

Blake All-Star

Blake

Verified Member
Posted
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You can thank a long time game thread opener for the Joe M conversation! Both of us came out of retirement for the annual trade deadline thread!

I truly look forward to your trade deadline game thread openers because they're always a hoot.

 

Again, well done!

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
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Side note: if Keanu Reaves asked me out to dinner I'd definitely say yes. Dude is a handsome man. And he does all of his own stunts!

Squirrel GOAT

Squirrel

Community Moderator
Posted
Posted

 

Side note: if Keanu Reaves asked me out to dinner I'd definitely say yes. Dude is a handsome man. And he does all of his own stunts!

Lol ... so would I!

Squirrel GOAT

Squirrel

Community Moderator
Posted
Posted

 

You can thank a long time game thread opener for the Joe M conversation! Both of us came out of retirement for the annual trade deadline thread!

I was going to ask if you received permission for that, otherwise I was going to charge you with copyright infringement or plagiarism or something.

David HK Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

David HK

Verified Member
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Sweet opener, Van- hats off.

 

Now, if Falvine can come through... it's nearing 2AM here in HK, so our trade deadline has already passed, and I can't stay awake a moment longer.

 

Heh... also sweet yesterday-did you see where Bux's homerun went? Right over the sign for the Clevelander Hotel. I figger it's an omen, baby.

Squirrel GOAT

Squirrel

Community Moderator
Posted
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Who wouldn't? What's Keanu's best role in movies he's been in? John Wick ranks up at the top for me.

I have to say ... I loved 'The Lake House.' :) 

twinsnorth49 St Paul Saints

twinsnorth49

Old-Timey Member
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Side note: if Keanu Reaves asked me out to dinner I'd definitely say yes. Dude is a handsome man. And he does all of his own stunts!

Well he is Canadian......just saying.

ashbury GOAT

ashbury

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Side note: if Keanu Reaves asked me out to dinner I'd definitely say yes.

If I'm not paying, I've been known to accept invitations from ugly people too.

big dog FCL Twins

big dog

Verified Member
Posted
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I thought Keanu Reeves was good in Parenthood.  But I'll go with Speed.  I've been meaning to watch the Wick trilogy- thanks, Van, for the motivation and a great opener.

 

Go Twins!  I'm glad to have Dyson and Romo on the team and feel much better about the bullpen.

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