Phil Cuzzi Ready to Hose Twins Again

[RandBalls Stu]

“Their playoff losing streak is formidable,” said Cuzzi. “I’d like to help keep it going.”

Image courtesy of © Darren Yamashita-USA TODAY Sports

The Minnesota Twins are about as set to break their record-breaking playoff losing streak as they could possibly be. Excellent starting pitchers, a young lineup that was in daycare when the losses began mounting, and an early clinch to get their rotation set and ailing starters rehabbed for Game 1 of the ALDS.

Umpire Phil Cuzzi can’t wait to turn those expectations into a weeping, caterwauling sadness.

“It’s funny how you hear teams say, ‘they control their own destiny,’” said Cuzzi, whose infamous botched call of a Joe Mauer hit in the 2009 ALDS changed the course of that series and helped continue what is now an 18-game playoff skid. “No one controls their own destiny. That’s why it’s called destiny. And to be very clear, I control the Minnesota Twins destiny, should I choose to.”

Although crews have not been announced for the upcoming wild card series, Cuzzi has let his fellow umpires know he’s ready to step in and step on the neck of any Twins rally.

“Their playoff losing streak is formidable,” said Cuzzi, smiling while stroking a hairless cat and wearing a burgundy smoking jacket. “I’d like to help keep it going.”

When told that many local fans blame him for the worst loss in that 18-game stretch, Cuzzi declined to take credit.

“It’s a team game, period,” said Cuzzi. “Many hands make light work. It wasn’t me who told them to start an Uber driver in 2019. It wasn’t me who told Torii Hunter to swan dive for that liner in 2006. Phil Cuzzi didn’t say, ‘Hey, let’s have Joe Nathan throw 100 [expletive] pitches in relief’ in 2004. Everyone must do their job for something this beautiful to take place.”

Cuzzi drew the ire of the Twins earlier this season when he helped the Los Angeles Dodgers defeat the Twins by extending Alex Kirilloff’s strike zone to both dugouts.

“Oh, right, the Dodgers game,” said Cuzzi, chuckling. “Sometimes you want to sharpen your skills during the regular season. They needed a reminder that, should they be so lucky as to return to the postseason, I could end them with a mere strike call.

“There’s nothing they can do. There’s nothing you can do. I look forward to reminding everyone when the time comes.”

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[Oldgoat_MN]

Not sure if we have a Cuzzi-proof team. We'll need to score runs in some way Phil can't stop us.

Any ideas?

[Hrbeks Divot]

You just HAD to bring up Cuzzi…😂

[BobAzar]

Cuzzi was on the crew for the Angels series. when they announced the crew before the game I loudly booed him. a few people seemed confused a few people gave me a knowing head nod. My kids asked why I booed him. I showed them the video of Mauer's "foul". both kids (8 and 5 years old) said, "that was obviously fair. he's not a good umpire". 

So, in conclusion, screw Cuzzi. 

[Patzky]

There is nothing fun about the prospect of coming out of the clubhouse on Tuesday afternoon and seeing Phil Cuzzi behind the plate. 

If You're the Twins, that prospect is even worse than seeing CB Bucknor, Laz Diaz, or Angel Hernandez. Cuzzi is Khan to Captain Kirk Baldelli.

[Cave Bear]

Hard to believe MLB is not coming down hard on him for this obvious bias. That has no place in the game.

[Logi_Clevs]

Legend has it Cuzzi's hairless cat is the same black cat from the 1969 Cub's black cat curse. 

[sorney]

You evil genius...well done.

[spanman2]

Sorry...instant replay isn't available on any Cuzzi controversial calls.  

[ValleySpringsFan]

I don't understand how Phil Cuzzi and 2 other umpires (I won't name them, but their initials are A.H. and H.W.) still have jobs as major league umpires.

[Guest]

F.P.C.

[Dave The Dastardly]

Word is that Cuzzi is slated to be the overseer of MLB's computer-generated strike zone when the new rule goes into effect and Wally the Wobbler, a video gamer who holds audience down at Mickey Finn's Rock Bottom Whiskey Emporium over in St. Paul, has been retained by Cuzzi to develop a software patch that will allow Cuzzi to move the strike zone box a few inches either way with the touch of a computer key before the catcher gloves the pitch. Cuzzi's calling the illegal feature his "Twinsinator" and says it'll be a useful tool for making sure the Twins loose in the playoffs; should they get that far. The visually challenged umpire said it takes balls to call strikes that aren't there but being able to move the electronic strike zone to match the call offers some protection. He likened it to wearing a cup, or shatter-proof trifocals.

 

[insagt1]

Cuzzi's comments border on getting fired material. I can't believe he said those things. Umps have to be non-biased...period. What he said shows he isn't. Thats just plain wrong.

A.H. is a terrible ump too. His recent strike 3 to the Phillies this week was deplorable. How can some of these guys keep their jobs. But Cuzzi is over the top disgusting. MLB had better keep him away from Twins games.

[Morneau for Gov]

Wonderful article! Well done!

A broken, scarred fanbase needs sarcasm like this.

[Firehall]

Really? I've seen a lot more class at high school level by far.

[Nine of twelve]

Unfortunately Phil Cuzzi umpires badly and unfairly without trying.

[DJL44]

4 hours ago, insagt1 said:

Cuzzi's comments border on getting fired material. I can't believe he said those things. Umps have to be non-biased...period. What he said shows he isn't. Thats just plain wrong.

You may want to re-read the bright red text above the headline.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

Two there are... But is he the master, or the apprentice?

[ashbury]

13 hours ago, Patzky said:

Cuzzi is Khan to Captain Kirk Baldelli.

[ashbury]

2 hours ago, DJL44 said:

You may want to re-read the bright red text above the headline.

When one comes to an article via the Forums rather than the front page, there may not be bright red text to read.

One mark of good satire is that when there isn't sufficient warning, some readers will think it's legit.

[insagt1]

16 hours ago, DJL44 said:

You may want to re-read the bright red text above the headline.

Did not have any red text. And if that was all 'sarcasm' that was awful. Particularly when the ump is actually not very good. Not real impressed.

[Nine of twelve]

4 hours ago, insagt1 said:

Did not have any red text. And if that was all 'sarcasm' that was awful. Particularly when the ump is actually not very good. Not real impressed.

Make this note to yourself for future reference: Rand Balls Stu writes only sarcasm.

[DJL44]

On 9/30/2023 at 4:46 PM, Nine of twelve said:

Make this note to yourself for future reference: Rand Balls Stu writes only sarcasm.

He usually writes parody or satire, not sarcasm.