Dozens Punctured in Twins Spring Training Sharp Knife Toss

[RandBalls Stu]

Officials called the team-building exercise ‘misguided’ and ‘very painful.’

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Joshua Coleman

The monotony of spring training can test veterans and rookies alike. Twins manager Rocco Baldelli alleviated the boredom these past few seasons with an Egg Toss Challenge, as groups of two teammates competed to be the last duo with an uncracked egg.

Hopes to build on this initiative ended in chaos and a parade of ambulances on Thursday, as the team’s inaugural Sharp Knife Toss sent 17 Twins and multiple onlookers to the hospital. Remarkably, none of the wounds proved fatal, and all are expected to make a full recovery, much to the surprise of eyewitnesses.

“As the gleaming blades whirled through the hot Florida morning, the sun reflecting on polished steel, it was frankly breathtaking,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “Then the screaming began.”

“They were trying to catch these knives with their gloves,” said Twins fan Ross Umansky. “Which most of them did. Some of them winced right away; the rest howled in agony when they removed the knife and literal geysers of blood burst forth.”

As the knives landed with soft, squelching thuds, the novel team-building exercise quickly became a stress test of the Lee County EMT Service, as emergency vehicles soon swarmed the blood-soaked parking lot.

“Frankly, I don’t know how anyone wasn’t more seriously hurt,” said Lee County Director of Health Frank Towers. “Byron Buxton was there. You’d think 4-6 knives would have hit his knee alone, but he didn’t even get stitches.”

Witnesses say the worst part of the incident was on the return throw.

“I think the carnage would have been more limited if we weren’t dealing with some of the most competitive athletes in the world,” said Hayes. “Despite the gaping wounds, every one of them threw the knife back. Unfortunately, the searing pain lessened their accuracy, and what I can only describe as a hailstorm of knives soon skewered the attendees. John (Bonnes, Twins Daily co-founder) got hit in both feet and was stuck to the pavement, waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys you see at a used car lot.”

In a statement, Baldelli denied the knife toss was his idea, and asked that people focus on more important matters, like Phish playing The Sphere in Las Vegas on April 18th, when the Twins have a scheduled off-day. Baldelli asked for “good weather vibes” so the team doesn’t have to play a make-up game that day.

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[AlwaysinModeration]

This is some cutting edge satire, any way you slice it.  You know what they say, don’t bring eggs to a knife fight.

[Cory Engelhardt]

29 minutes ago, AlwaysinModeration said:

This is some cutting edge satire, any way you slice it.  You know what they say, don’t bring eggs to a knife fight.

AI, the idea of it and all, kind of freaks me out a bit. That said, reading of Bonnes as one of these makes me want to put that request in an ai generator to see what it looks like.

Can anyone do that for us?

[sweetmusicviola16]

Just don't let Ryan Jensen toss. I've heard he can be a little wild.

[Riverbrian]

1 hour ago, RandBalls Stu said:

John (Bonnes, Twins Daily co-founder) got hit in both feet and was stuck to the pavement, waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys you see at a used car lot.”

I don't believe Twinsdaily has a great quote hall of fame. 

This Sentence illustrates the need for one. 

[Riverbrian]

[sweetmusicviola16]

After reading more of the article and I now know that no one actually died, with 17 injuries, the roster would now appear to be in flux rather than set in stone as it had been. So perhaps guys like Martin, Lee, Kiersay, EmRod could still make the opening day roster. Maybe even Jenkins could??? Who would have thought that such a disaster would be the break that some of these young guys needed. No matter how you slice it, crazy things can happen in baseball.

[Johnny Ringo]

I get the feeling you have been carrying that Rocco/Phish joke around in your pocket for awhile but that doesn't make it less great.

[ToddlerHarmon]

“Byron Buxton was there..., but he didn’t even get stitches.”

^ My suspension of disbelief was pierced right here

[sampleSizeOfOne]

15 minutes ago, ToddlerHarmon said:

“Byron Buxton was there..., but he didn’t even get stitches.”

^ My suspension of disbelief was pierced right here

Which part of your suspension failed? The struts or the shocks?

[sampleSizeOfOne]

The egg throw reminded me of a camp experience where i was a junior counselor and we were running a egg toss competition when hosting another camp.

The senior counselor had us join in the last round and we out lasted the rest and kept backing up to teh edges of the space available, where i started loosing them in the overhead branches. (which resulted in sporting a yolk stain on my shorts the rest of the day) he gave me a second and third try and i got 1 of 3 at that distance.

 

It wasn't until later the senior counselor told me he had someone feeding him new eggs, which he just wanted to use them all up, and he was surprised i was actually catching them and throwing them back.

[IndianaTwin]

Thank goodness Ed Ames isn't on the roster. 

 

 

[Heiny]

I just can't believe the team would allow them to do this.  Rocco should know better.  If the players are out for the whole year, do the Twins still have to pay their salaries?  The wives should have put their foot down.  These young people are just going too far to try to be different.  I don't even think I'm going to follow this team anymore if they can't use a little common sense.   Sheeesh.  P.S.  Start practicing bunting again.  P.S.S  and the hit and run.

 

[ashbury]

Sounds like the Twins got the point.

[Fatbat]

We know how these things escalate. Please stop before we have a biggest cannon shot at the fort.