Twins Fan Furious Team Too Good to Win Waiver Claim

[RandBalls Stu]

'Typical Pohlads, win just enough so you don’t have to take on salary,' said the yokel.

Image courtesy of © Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

 

The Minnesota Twins were primed to improve their team on Thursday, as an unusual number of quality veterans were available via the waiver wire. Their claims were stymied, most notably by AL Central rival Cleveland, who snagged starting pitcher Lucas Giolito and relievers Matt Moore and Reynaldo Lopez.

While it may not be enough for the Guardians to catch the Twins, it doesn’t hurt those efforts, and it definitely throws a wrench into any plans the Twins had for improving their bullpen and outfield depth from the outside for a likely postseason series.

Local fan and half-drunk bozo Aaron Rylander won’t stand for it, and the 28-year-old wholesale mattress sales associate knows exactly who to blame.

“Every year, the boy geniuses (Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey and General Manager Thad Levine) figure out a different way to screw us,” said Rylander. “Last year we traded all our good prospects for the two worst pitchers in baseball. This year, they decide to not only sleep through the trade deadline, but they also tell the team to go out and be just good enough that they’re not bad enough.”

Rylander, who was on his seventh beer of the day, tried to explain what he meant, rising unsteadily from his chair, weaving perilously close to the unattended bonfire at his buddy Torpedo’s Gophers/Cornhuskers tailgate party.

“You want to know what’s happening? I’ll tell you what’s happening: Ownership didn’t want to spend any more money. Typical Pohlads, win just enough so you don’t have to take on salary,” said the yokel, who goes by PrimeLohse69 on the social media platforms he hasn’t been kicked off yet for truly horrifying TOS violations.

Twins Daily asked the Minnesota front office for comment on Rylander’s alcohol-and-internet-fueled claims but has not heard back from them as of this writing.

Rylander, a Blaine native, says he’s got a few more things to say about the Twins, Gophers hockey, politics, and the city of St. Paul’s policy on unpaid parking tickets, but that he “really needs to eat something first, chief.”

 

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[Hrbeks Divot]

“Just good enough that they’re not bad enough.” Love it. You should trademark that phrase.

[Craig Arko]

Nailed it.

[HoskenPowell]

Moore would have improved the pen , but the others don't seem like they would be any improvement.

[purplesoldier4u]

Hahahaha! Those passionate Twins fans sure are simpletons, right? I mean, the team did so well at the trade deadline and, with the easiest schedule in the league, is running away in a horrible division. Also, it's not like they are running with leading the league in their hitters striking out and still continue to roll out a strike-out prone hitter a handful of times per week.

[saviking]

I get that Cleveland is ahead of us in the waiver wire but how is it they can take 3 players ahead of us? Seems like the fair thing to do is let a team pick one and then have to wait for the others if they go unclaimed. 

[Vanimal46]

3 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

Rylander, a Blaine native

Ah, you met my cousin!

3 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

Rylander, who was on his seventh beer of the day, tried to explain what he meant

Yep, that’s him alright. 

[MABB1959]

20 minutes ago, purplesoldier4u said:

Hahahaha! Those passionate Twins fans sure are simpletons, right? I mean, the team did so well at the trade deadline and, with the easiest schedule in the league, is running away in a horrible division. Also, it's not like they are running with leading the league in their hitters striking out and still continue to roll out a strike-out prone hitter a handful of times per week.

You are joking about running away right?  I don't see them as running away, Seems like they slowed down.  They really needed to win 6/6 of the Cleveland.  

[Rod Carews Birthday]

I feel like we all know that guy.  There seems little doubt that someday he will become old man yelling at cloud. 

[beckmt]

Cleveland has done what I thought other clubs should do.  Make it a 5 inning game and force adjust opposing manager's thinking.  After 5 with that bullpen a 2 run lead will look like 5.  Force small ball early and stay close and win late.  Or have a very good offense club and force the opposition to score a lot early.

This works, ran a Strato-Matic baseball team this way.  Beat up a lot of teams, yes relievers can be fickle , but know can see the Twins losing the division by 2 - 3 games, because Rocco cannot handle a pen. 

[Mortimerkenny21]

I find it comical that the satire article still sparks serious debate in the comments section. And I'm surprised Rylander was only on his 7th beer..must of just got started.

[Fire Dan Gladden]

Yet another sadly true article from Stu.   Still waiting on the satire...

[Jocko87]

Quote

PrimeLohse69

Deep cut.  Well done.