Article: Cleveland Starts 3-Game Series Against Team of Only Babies

[RandBalls Stu]

Soft schedule gets softer for the AL Central’s defending champs.Minnesota's mild slump over the last month has coincided with a Cleveland surge. Terry Francona's team has feasted on the worst of the worst in Major League Baseball, narrowing the gap in the AL Central to a mere four games.

 

That easy stretch shows no signs of abating, as Major League Baseball announced on Thursday that Cleveland’s opponent this weekend will be the attendees of Sunshine Kidz, a day care center in Xenia, Ohio.

 

“We’re always looking for ways to grow the game with a younger audience,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “This effort looks to raise baseball’s profile with the youngest audience.”

 

The children, aged between two months and one year, will be outfitted with tiny gloves and bats and “next generation safety equipment and plenty of blankies” per Manfred. Despite this, some child safety advocates are concerned.

 

“This has to be illegal,” said Karen Lund, a spokesperson for the Ohio Department of Social Services. “How can this be happening? This can't be happening.”

 

Lund’s concerns, echoed by all the parents and guardians of the children, are much ado about nothing according to “Dirty” Gabe Dalton, co-host of Dirty Gabe and The Blurt’s Morning Meltdown on Cleveland’s 640 AM The Huddle.

 

“The political correctness in this country is out of control,” said Dalton. “First they want nets all over the place, and now they don’t even want the games to be played. It’s a classic slippery slope, big government crackdown on the free market. Welcome to Venezuela, folks.”

 

Manfred says that the utmost care will be taken to make sure the games are both safe and highly competitive.

 

“We're not going to put a 2-month-old on the mound, that's ridiculous, they don't have the arm strength. They've got a kid, Tyler, his first birthday is Sunday, and he once threw a pacifier so hard it broke another kid's skin. He's a rascal! The crowd is going to love him. If his brain was developed enough to create memories, he’d remember his first pitch for the rest of his life. To be clear though, he won’t. We should have probably considered this.”

 

Image license here.

 

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[RedBull34]

Seems about right.

[USAFChief]

This is what happens when you put Republicans in charge. Child labor laws? pffft

[JW24]

 

“The political correctness in this country is out of control,” said Dalton. “First they want nets all over the place, and now they don’t even want the games to be played. It’s a classic slippery slope, big government crackdown on the free market. Welcome to Venezuela, folks.”

 

Dad?

[ashbury]

Venezuelan baseball is quite good. Welcome to the Slippery Slope to Excellence, folks!

[jkcarew]

To date, three of the four weakest SoS in MLB are from the AL Central. Cleveland weakest, Twins basically tied for 3rd weakest. This was expected. Cleveland more or less not trying to win games, but will likely continue to track toward a playoff appearance that they'd just as soon defer.

Edited July 19, 2019 by jkcarew

[twinsnorth49]

Is it possible for these kids to be worse than the Tigers?

 

I don't think so. 

[lukeduke1980]

 

Is it possible for these kids to be worse than the Tigers?

 

I don't think so. 

You mean the team coached exclusively by disgruntled ex Twins coaches?

[theBOMisthebomb]

Why is the baby's onesie in the picture inside out?

[spanman2]

 

Is it possible for these kids to be worse than the Tigers?

 

I don't think so. 

I wonder what goes through Gardy's mind during a typical Tigers game?  

[USAFChief]

 

I wonder what goes through Gardy's mind during a typical Tigers game?  

"...not. one. tail. battled. off. Not one...."

[twinsnorth49]

 

I wonder what goes through Gardy's mind during a typical Tigers game?  

[Richie the Rally Goat]

Why is the baby's onesie in the picture inside out?

Clearly you aren’t a parent

[howeda7]

 

I wonder what goes through Gardy's mind during a typical Tigers game?  

"Must resist the urge to call Punto and talk him out of retirement."

[h2oface]

Love your articles, RandBall's Stu!

 

Our Twins have split the last 4 game series with KC and lost the last series to the White Sox 2-1. Winning against Detriot, Chicago, and KC is very important. I hope they approach them with focus and the killer instinct.

[ashbury]

According to wire service reports, tonight's game for Cleveland is in jeopardy. The opponent's players are threatening a walkout crawlout if certain demands are not met.

 

Apparently only apple juice is being provided during mid-inning nutrition breaks, and a radical faction of the young players' union is insisting grape juice be offered as an option as well.

 

Also, a Designated Napper is being demanded by the babies, for both teams' lineups. The Indians are not totally averse to the idea, since third baseman Jose Ramirez has been caught napping several times on defense this season, but the league is not yet on board with this.

 

Finally, the Sunshine Kidz are holding firm that all sliding be done on actual playground slides, to be installed at each base.

 

In one concession, the babies are dropping their demand that Cleveland players change their diapers when needed. "I'm not taking **** from any team," second baseman Jason Kipnis stated, claiming to speak for others as well.

 

At press time, agreement had been reached that brand-name Crayola crayons will be used by both teams in writing out the starting lineups, and not those waxy ones you find at the dollar store - observers were surprised that Manfred let the Indians cave, on this cost-be-damned initiative.

 

These are no babes in the woods, at the negotiating table.

[theBOMisthebomb]

Clearly you aren’t a parent

The bank account and mental health say otherwise: 6 children, the oldest is 22 and the youngest is 6. Why is looking for details the sign of not having children?

[Richie the Rally Goat]

The bank account and mental health say otherwise: 6 children, the oldest is 22 and the youngest is 6. Why is looking for details the sign of not having children?

not sympathizing with a parent who is too exhausted to care if their child’s shirt is inside out is typically a sign of not having been through it

[ashbury]

not sympathizing with a parent who is too exhausted to care if their child’s shirt is inside out is typically a sign of not having been through it

Yeah, my brother was always full of statements that began, "no child of mine would ever...". Then he married a gal with a young daughter. I didn't hear any of those pronouncements anymore.

[theBOMisthebomb]

Yeah, my brother was always full of statements that began, "no child of mine would ever...". Then he married a gal with a young daughter. I didn't hear any of those pronouncements anymore.

No. I have plenty of slack for all parents. You need to enjoy them while they are young and not sweat the small things. Although, a seasoned parent would know it is darn near impossible to zip up a onesie to the top when it is inside out. You sound like you aren't a parent. I thought maybe the picture was transposed.

[Platoon]

I wonder what goes through Gardy's mind during a typical Tigers game?

 

Golf. Camping. Bowling. Not necessarily in that order.

[Platoon]

Yeah, my brother was always full of statements that began, "no child of mine would ever...". Then he married a gal with a young daughter. I didn't hear any of those pronouncements anymore.

My oldest daughter long proclaimed that "there is no way she is chasing around to a sporting event every night". I remind her of this while we sit at the games!! The good news is she now knows which side of second base the SS stands. (Or at least used to)

[Platoon]

I wonder if during the game they will track the exit velocity of the young player who OD'ed on prune juice between innings?