Jump to content
  • Create Account

John Kelsey

Twins Daily Contributor
  • Posts

    1,705
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About John Kelsey

  • Birthday 01/20/1990

Profile Information

  • Location:
    Minneapolis

Social

  • Twitter
    JohnPKelsey

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

John Kelsey's Achievements

  1. Oh man, the tenderloin trail is now firmly on my radar, thank you for this. Also, "Sloppy Joes without the sloppy" is exactly how I was picturing them, but I figured I was missing something.
  2. Well then I have to ask, what can you tell me about the Maid-Rite loose meat sandwich? I've been meaning to try it for a while and in an effort to save room for BBQ I had to pass it up again. Worth the stop? Better options around Iowa for that type of thing?
  3. I will take extreme, non-sensical measures to spite Iowa.
  4. Q39 was on the list, but I had the same thought that it looked a little hoity-toity. We ended up going to Char Bar that night instead because we wanted to sit outside and enjoy the weather before heading back. (KC was strangely 10-15 degrees cooler than here the whole time we were there).
  5. With fans being welcomed back into stadiums and travel once again becoming a possibility, Twins road trips are back on the menu for the 2021 season. Kansas City was a logical first destination for many Twins fans, so here are some tips and experiences from one such fan who made the trip this past weekend. I’ve always thought of Kansas City as an underrated road trip destination for Twin Cities folks, and it seems that most people don’t realize that it takes roughly the same amount of time as driving to Chicago (6 hours, 15 minutes give or take) and only an hour more than Milwaukee. This time around, my fiancée Sophie was the co-pilot on the trip and we were on the road by about 8:30 on Friday morning. Transport Before I hype up the road trip to Kansas City too much, I should mention that it does require you to drive through Iowa. I looked at every possible route option to see if this was avoidable and unfortunately all roads went through the Hawkeye State. We did stop at a good sandwich spot called Manhattan Deli in Des Moines, which was a perfect place to stop if you need to break up the trip. Also, I’ve done the drive to Cedar Rapids to watch the Kernels and can’t wait to do it again, so Iowa ain’t all bad and I was mostly kidding in that first sentence. However, to give you a sense of the visual stimulation level while driving through Iowa, there was a point where the phrase “Hey, there’s hills now!” was uttered in the car around the time we crossed the Missouri border. Before stopping at our hotel in the Crossroads neighborhood in Kansas City, we drove straight to the original gas station location of Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que to get our fill before the game. We arrived around 3:30 pm and the line was about 20 minutes long despite arriving during the weird not quite lunch, not quite dinner time. Joe’s is a Kansas City BBQ institution and was one of the few Kansas City spots I’d actually been to before, but I had to make a point to stop there again. The food is as good as advertised and it’s also in a gas station that’s serving tap beers, so it provided a great “We’re not in Minnesota anymore” moment to start the trip. After the BBQ feast, we checked in to our hotel, tried to work off some ITIS and had to get moving towards Kaufmann Stadium for the game. We were moving slow and running a tad late so I have to give a special shoutout to our Lyft driver Sam, who took us to the game. I’ve long held a theory that the louder a Lyft/Uber/cab driver’s music is, the faster they will get you to your destination. If they are listening to the band Bread at low volume, it is going to be a long trip. I can say with confidence we heard Sam before we saw him. He picked us up around 6:35, blasting reggaeton and when we told him the game started at 7 he replied, “Oh that won’t be a problem” and proceeded to gun it the entire way. I had heard the stadium was out in the middle of nowhere and was thinking it would have a similar vibe to the stadium formerly known as Miller Park, knowing it’s a ballpark with a large tailgating parking lot outside the city, but Kaufmann is REALLY in the middle of nowhere. On top of that, the transportation situation seems to be a bit of a cluster**** based on my very limited experience, especially if you’re not driving your own car. I was hoping there would be some sort of bar shuttle from downtown Kansas City to the stadium that we could hop on, but didn’t find any such options. I rarely have to utter the phrase “be more like Wisconsin” but when comparing the availability of bar shuttles and logistics of transport from Milwaukee out to their baseball stadium, Kansas City lagged way behind. (By the way I'm fully expecting someone in the comments to point out that I'm an idiot and missed an easy way to get there). We found out later there was a rideshare drop-off area that somehow neither of our Lyft drivers knew about or knew how to find. There’s no signs for it and it’s just a row of orange cones in the middle of the parking lot. Because our driver didn’t know about it, we just hopped out of the car and hoofed it about 5 minutes to the stadium instead of waiting in a huge line of cars when we were about a half mile away. Soler Power Upon entering the stadium we found out it was Jorge Soler bobblehead night and dollar dog night. At this point everything was coming up Milhouse for me, as bobbleheads and dollar dogs are two of my favorite promotions. Now I can finally say I am the proud owner of a Jorge Soler light-up bobblehead that I will undoubtedly throw away in a year or less. Notice how the box conveniently lists his 2019 stats instead of mentioning that he’s currently hitting well below the Mendoza line and has been one of the worst players in baseball this year with a WAR of -1.4. I guess that doesn't mesh with the "Soler Power" marketing campaign. Regrettably, I never found room for any dollar dogs, and as a person who regularly pounds five or six dollar dogs at Twins games, it pained me to have to pass on those all night with Joe’s BBQ still kicking around in my stomach. You may have already noticed this, but I’m making a concerted effort to not discuss the actual game that was occurring on Friday night in this article. You all know what happened, and Twins Daily has great game recaps if you really want to read up on the disaster that took place. I will say I consider myself fortunate to have witnessed history, albeit a historically awful start from Matt Shoemaker and possibly the worst first two innings of a game I’ve ever seen in my life. I even had to snap a picture because I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the scoreboard. MOVING ON….. For those who haven't seen a game at Kauffman Stadium, it is a legitimately great ballpark to watch a game, especially when you consider it was built in 1973. There have been some significant renovation projects since that time, but there are still great quirks that give it character. The fountains are the obvious one; the concept of having giant fountains in the outfield is maybe a little dated and sure, they look like something that Tony Montana might have included in the design of a ballpark, but they are still charming, especially when you consider how much space they take up in what would be prime seating areas. It is hard to imagine a major league stadium designed today would ever consider using that space in the same way. I’m a sucker for between-inning crowd participation games and the best one featured a guy pulled from the crowd who had thirty seconds to guess the exact prices down to the cent of two items from local grocery store chain “Price Chopper”. The first item was a Red Baron pizza, which took about ten guesses and 12 seconds to guess the exact price. When he guessed over the price host would say “Over”, and when he went under the price the host would say “Under”, until the actual price was reached. This was a strong start and he was well on his way to a victory here, but better things were yet to come. The next item was a pound of cherries. I could probably ballpark the price of frozen pizzas pretty well, but you’ve lost me if I’m guessing the price of bulk cherries, but not this Kansas City legend. He grabbed the mic and proceeded to guess the exact price of a pound of cherries at $2.99 on his FIRST GUESS. The crowd went bonkers, but it still wasn’t enough of a reaction for me. I thought the game should have ended and we should have all just gone home at that point. This was honestly the highlight of my night and I hope they sell the team to this guy, clearly he knows the value of a dollar. John Fogerty, the Mayor of Kansas City Speaking of the crowd going crazy, I’ve never seen a crowd get so excited for “Centerfield” by John Fogerty coming on over the loudspeakers. You would have thought George Brett had just teleported into the stadium based on the crowd reaction when that song came on. I took some basic notes on my phone on Friday night because I was thinking about putting this article together afterward, and my note for this just says “Kansas City really likes John Fogerty?” Other Kansas City stuff With very little desire to subject ourselves to another potentially awful Twins game, on Saturday we just explored the city. In the morning, we walked over to the City Market in the River Market neighborhood (about a 30-35 minute walk from downtown). The Farmer’s Market in Lowertown St. Paul would be a good comparison but this one was quite a bit larger and featured better food vendors. This also was my only meal all weekend that wasn’t BBQ so I relished the opportunity to eat some vegetables and had a nice chicken shawarma wrap with salad and rice at a vendor called Tikka House. Afterward, we stopped at a nearby bar called Harry’s Country Club that I would wholeheartedly recommend if you’re in the area. The drinks and beer selection were great and affordable and it also was where I overheard this conversation featuring a guy in a Royals jersey and another guy who was asking him about the game from the night before. Guy 1: “Good game last night, right?” Royals jersey guy: “Yeah, we were up 9-0 after the first inning and I heard that was the most runs the Royals have scored in a first inning ever” Guy 1: “When did they pull the starting pitcher?” Royals jersey guy: “He only got one out before they pulled him, he probably doesn’t have a job anymore” Me, to bartender: “I’ll have another old fashioned, please” We finished out the day by heading over to the Westport neighborhood for a BBQ spot called Char Bar that had a huge outdoor patio area outside the restaurant. There were a strange amount of people in Twins jerseys there, so apparently this place is no secret for fellow out-of-towners. The food there was still great and it was a great hangout spot. However, it didn’t quite match up to the solely BBQ-focused spots we visited, the previously-mentioned Joe’s and a place called Slap’s, which is where we stopped on our way out on Sunday. So after eating barbecue all three days I spent in Kansas City and still somewhat regretting it on Monday while writing this, I present to you my final rankings and hope it prepares you for a Kansas City-based Twins road trip in your future. BBQ rankings Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que Slap’s BBQ Char Bar View full article
  6. I’ve always thought of Kansas City as an underrated road trip destination for Twin Cities folks, and it seems that most people don’t realize that it takes roughly the same amount of time as driving to Chicago (6 hours, 15 minutes give or take) and only an hour more than Milwaukee. This time around, my fiancée Sophie was the co-pilot on the trip and we were on the road by about 8:30 on Friday morning. Transport Before I hype up the road trip to Kansas City too much, I should mention that it does require you to drive through Iowa. I looked at every possible route option to see if this was avoidable and unfortunately all roads went through the Hawkeye State. We did stop at a good sandwich spot called Manhattan Deli in Des Moines, which was a perfect place to stop if you need to break up the trip. Also, I’ve done the drive to Cedar Rapids to watch the Kernels and can’t wait to do it again, so Iowa ain’t all bad and I was mostly kidding in that first sentence. However, to give you a sense of the visual stimulation level while driving through Iowa, there was a point where the phrase “Hey, there’s hills now!” was uttered in the car around the time we crossed the Missouri border. Before stopping at our hotel in the Crossroads neighborhood in Kansas City, we drove straight to the original gas station location of Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que to get our fill before the game. We arrived around 3:30 pm and the line was about 20 minutes long despite arriving during the weird not quite lunch, not quite dinner time. Joe’s is a Kansas City BBQ institution and was one of the few Kansas City spots I’d actually been to before, but I had to make a point to stop there again. The food is as good as advertised and it’s also in a gas station that’s serving tap beers, so it provided a great “We’re not in Minnesota anymore” moment to start the trip. After the BBQ feast, we checked in to our hotel, tried to work off some ITIS and had to get moving towards Kaufmann Stadium for the game. We were moving slow and running a tad late so I have to give a special shoutout to our Lyft driver Sam, who took us to the game. I’ve long held a theory that the louder a Lyft/Uber/cab driver’s music is, the faster they will get you to your destination. If they are listening to the band Bread at low volume, it is going to be a long trip. I can say with confidence we heard Sam before we saw him. He picked us up around 6:35, blasting reggaeton and when we told him the game started at 7 he replied, “Oh that won’t be a problem” and proceeded to gun it the entire way. I had heard the stadium was out in the middle of nowhere and was thinking it would have a similar vibe to the stadium formerly known as Miller Park, knowing it’s a ballpark with a large tailgating parking lot outside the city, but Kaufmann is REALLY in the middle of nowhere. On top of that, the transportation situation seems to be a bit of a cluster**** based on my very limited experience, especially if you’re not driving your own car. I was hoping there would be some sort of bar shuttle from downtown Kansas City to the stadium that we could hop on, but didn’t find any such options. I rarely have to utter the phrase “be more like Wisconsin” but when comparing the availability of bar shuttles and logistics of transport from Milwaukee out to their baseball stadium, Kansas City lagged way behind. (By the way I'm fully expecting someone in the comments to point out that I'm an idiot and missed an easy way to get there). We found out later there was a rideshare drop-off area that somehow neither of our Lyft drivers knew about or knew how to find. There’s no signs for it and it’s just a row of orange cones in the middle of the parking lot. Because our driver didn’t know about it, we just hopped out of the car and hoofed it about 5 minutes to the stadium instead of waiting in a huge line of cars when we were about a half mile away. Soler Power Upon entering the stadium we found out it was Jorge Soler bobblehead night and dollar dog night. At this point everything was coming up Milhouse for me, as bobbleheads and dollar dogs are two of my favorite promotions. Now I can finally say I am the proud owner of a Jorge Soler light-up bobblehead that I will undoubtedly throw away in a year or less. Notice how the box conveniently lists his 2019 stats instead of mentioning that he’s currently hitting well below the Mendoza line and has been one of the worst players in baseball this year with a WAR of -1.4. I guess that doesn't mesh with the "Soler Power" marketing campaign. Regrettably, I never found room for any dollar dogs, and as a person who regularly pounds five or six dollar dogs at Twins games, it pained me to have to pass on those all night with Joe’s BBQ still kicking around in my stomach. You may have already noticed this, but I’m making a concerted effort to not discuss the actual game that was occurring on Friday night in this article. You all know what happened, and Twins Daily has great game recaps if you really want to read up on the disaster that took place. I will say I consider myself fortunate to have witnessed history, albeit a historically awful start from Matt Shoemaker and possibly the worst first two innings of a game I’ve ever seen in my life. I even had to snap a picture because I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the scoreboard. MOVING ON….. For those who haven't seen a game at Kauffman Stadium, it is a legitimately great ballpark to watch a game, especially when you consider it was built in 1973. There have been some significant renovation projects since that time, but there are still great quirks that give it character. The fountains are the obvious one; the concept of having giant fountains in the outfield is maybe a little dated and sure, they look like something that Tony Montana might have included in the design of a ballpark, but they are still charming, especially when you consider how much space they take up in what would be prime seating areas. It is hard to imagine a major league stadium designed today would ever consider using that space in the same way. I’m a sucker for between-inning crowd participation games and the best one featured a guy pulled from the crowd who had thirty seconds to guess the exact prices down to the cent of two items from local grocery store chain “Price Chopper”. The first item was a Red Baron pizza, which took about ten guesses and 12 seconds to guess the exact price. When he guessed over the price host would say “Over”, and when he went under the price the host would say “Under”, until the actual price was reached. This was a strong start and he was well on his way to a victory here, but better things were yet to come. The next item was a pound of cherries. I could probably ballpark the price of frozen pizzas pretty well, but you’ve lost me if I’m guessing the price of bulk cherries, but not this Kansas City legend. He grabbed the mic and proceeded to guess the exact price of a pound of cherries at $2.99 on his FIRST GUESS. The crowd went bonkers, but it still wasn’t enough of a reaction for me. I thought the game should have ended and we should have all just gone home at that point. This was honestly the highlight of my night and I hope they sell the team to this guy, clearly he knows the value of a dollar. John Fogerty, the Mayor of Kansas City Speaking of the crowd going crazy, I’ve never seen a crowd get so excited for “Centerfield” by John Fogerty coming on over the loudspeakers. You would have thought George Brett had just teleported into the stadium based on the crowd reaction when that song came on. I took some basic notes on my phone on Friday night because I was thinking about putting this article together afterward, and my note for this just says “Kansas City really likes John Fogerty?” Other Kansas City stuff With very little desire to subject ourselves to another potentially awful Twins game, on Saturday we just explored the city. In the morning, we walked over to the City Market in the River Market neighborhood (about a 30-35 minute walk from downtown). The Farmer’s Market in Lowertown St. Paul would be a good comparison but this one was quite a bit larger and featured better food vendors. This also was my only meal all weekend that wasn’t BBQ so I relished the opportunity to eat some vegetables and had a nice chicken shawarma wrap with salad and rice at a vendor called Tikka House. Afterward, we stopped at a nearby bar called Harry’s Country Club that I would wholeheartedly recommend if you’re in the area. The drinks and beer selection were great and affordable and it also was where I overheard this conversation featuring a guy in a Royals jersey and another guy who was asking him about the game from the night before. Guy 1: “Good game last night, right?” Royals jersey guy: “Yeah, we were up 9-0 after the first inning and I heard that was the most runs the Royals have scored in a first inning ever” Guy 1: “When did they pull the starting pitcher?” Royals jersey guy: “He only got one out before they pulled him, he probably doesn’t have a job anymore” Me, to bartender: “I’ll have another old fashioned, please” We finished out the day by heading over to the Westport neighborhood for a BBQ spot called Char Bar that had a huge outdoor patio area outside the restaurant. There were a strange amount of people in Twins jerseys there, so apparently this place is no secret for fellow out-of-towners. The food there was still great and it was a great hangout spot. However, it didn’t quite match up to the solely BBQ-focused spots we visited, the previously-mentioned Joe’s and a place called Slap’s, which is where we stopped on our way out on Sunday. So after eating barbecue all three days I spent in Kansas City and still somewhat regretting it on Monday while writing this, I present to you my final rankings and hope it prepares you for a Kansas City-based Twins road trip in your future. BBQ rankings Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que Slap’s BBQ Char Bar
  7. The player walk-up song list for the Twins was recently revealed, so let's take this opportunity to dissect some of these selections.In an effort to break it all down, I’ve grouped them into three sections: new Twins players, returning players with new songs, and returning players with the same song, sometimes referencing my article from last year for the latter category if I haven’t had a big change of heart over the past nine months. NEW PLAYERS Hansel Robles: Give this man the closer role based on song choice alone. I am of the opinion that more relief pitchers should use wrestling intro songs, due to the nature of their position and the similarities in the way they enter the field of play. I know I’d be much more excited for a Cody Stashak appearance if it was preempted by . We just need to train Justin Morneau to yell “BAH GOD THAT’S HANSEL ROBLES’ MUSIC!” like Jim Ross used to. Also I love that the Undertaker’s intro song is listed as being BY The Undertaker. I like to imagine that the ‘Taker jumped on Ableton for an afternoon and threw together a composition befitting his greatness. Andrelton Simmons: I won’t even pretend to know this song, but based on what I know about Andrelton’s Twitter feed, I think we should just consider ourselves lucky that he didn’t choose to play 30 seconds of Joe Rogan telling us that vaccinations aren't nearly as effective as eating bear meat. Kyle Garlick: I like Glass Animals just fine, but all of their songs sound the same to me. When I looked this song up I was wondering if it would be the Gooey one or the Pineapple one; turns out it is neither. Not really sure where I’m going with this, but just know I’m sparing you all from making a Garlick/Vampire Weekend joke here, and I’ll say it’s because I’m above it, but really it’s because I couldn’t think of a good one. RETURNING PLAYERS, NEW SONGS Jake Cave: The first thing I did when I saw this choice was furiously Google if Jake Cave is from Houston. He’s not, and how he settled on this song from Slim Thugga that loosely samples instead of some other Houston hits from the era by Mike Jones or Paul Wall, I will never know. The biggest surprise here, however, is that Cave didn’t pick another Eminem song. You may recall that a few years ago, Cave claimed to know all the words to every Eminem song. First of all, there’s just no way that is true. Eminem has released roughly 200 songs in his career. Second of all, there’s a guy who lives on my street who blasts Eminem, and only Eminem, from his basement apartment window every Saturday when the weather is nice. All this to say, I’m not fully convinced that Jake Cave is not living down the block from me in a small basement apartment. Moving forward, I plan on referring to that apartment as “The Jake Cave”. Byron Buxton: Byron Buxton’s song choices are going in reverse chronologically. Buck has now gone from choosing “Flashlight” by Parliament as a rookie, to “Return of the Mack” in his mid-20s, to now choosing a rap song that just came out in his seventh season in the league. I don’t know a single person alive who has started to like newer music as they’ve gotten older. I think there might be a Benjamin Button situation going on here; someone get me a baby picture of Byron Buxton so I can rule this out. Willians Astudillo: I just knew La Tortuga would not mess this up. The man clearly has impeccable taste in all facets of life and I cannot wait to watch him walk up to the plate with this song playing. It’s fast, it’s fun, and best of all it's easy to picture him dancing to it. The video is also great and could have been made with the cheapest music video budget of all time. It features our protagonists Chimbala and Bulin 47, who both happen to have the same body type as Willians, running away from a woman with a skillet, and most of it is filmed in an 18 inch-wide alleyway. I am not kidding when I say I watched this video seven times back-to-back. Bulin 47 is wearing a Yankees hat in it, so my only guess is that the angry skillet lady is a Twins fan. Jorge Alcala: I am immediately forced to take back the “least expensive video ever filmed” title that I just bestowed. My guy El Jeffrey shot a good portion of this video standing in front of a wall with ladders hanging in the background, wearing what looks to be the shirt for a Warners' Stellian delivery person. I had to double and triple check to make sure that this was the real video. As Jackie Chiles would say, it is real and it is spectacular. The highlight for me was a stock photo of Juan Luis Guerra(!!!!), the artist you may remember from Nelson Cruz’s walk-up song (more on him later). I think I woke up my neighbors when that inexplicably showed up in the video at . Other highlights include pictures of Pedro Martinez, Sammy Sosa, David Ortiz, and Manny Ramirez hanging alongside a picture of Mother Teresa, El Jeffrey dancing in front of the ladder wall and a giant backgammon board, and a rare glimpse at an electrifying El Jeffrey live show. I could write 2000 more words about this but I'll close by saying El Jeffrey forever, thank you Jorge Alcala for bringing him into my life. Mitch Garver: After struggling through a rough 2020 season, Garver pulls a genius move here selecting a local anthem in an overt attempt to get us to love him again. I’m actually surprised more players haven’t played this card in the past, considering how much Minnesotans love the local angle. The song, which revels in civic pride while still acknowledging that there may be more desirable locations out there for those who don’t get what makes Minnesota special, is a strong choice and may go a long way towards earning Garver a “One of Us” lifetime pass like a select few former Twins have received. If Mitch isn’t careful we’re going to carve his face out of butter and make him learn about the 1991 Halloween snow storm. Jose Berrios: Berrios goes with his Puerto Rican countryman Daddy Yankee who is still out there doing it at the age of 45. This song just came out two months ago and already has almost 60 million views on Youtube, which is nearly 25 times the population of Puerto Rico. The video features a nice but somewhat strange tribute to another Puerto Rican legend, Roberto Clemente. Daddy Yankee dons a Pirates hat with the number 21 adorned on the wall alongside Daddy Yankee’s record label. A fitting tribute, because as we all know Roberto Clemente loved three things: humanitarian relief efforts, baseball, and El Cartel Records. Max Kepler: This is a pretty good song that samples better songs by My Morning Jacket and Nas, and is a nice way to pay tribute to Mac Miller. However, out of principle, I’m once again refusing to use this space to break down Kepler’s actual song choice, but instead will choose to lament the missed opportunity by everyone’s favorite German Major Leaguer. Still no Kraftwerk, still no grimy Berlin techno music, and still no Rammstein. Which once again dashes my dream of Vin Diesel’s character from “XXX” charging the mound and fighting Aroldis Chapman as “Du Hast” courses through the Target Field loudspeakers when Max comes up to bat. With the way VR and holograms are progressing, I can probably make this happen on my own without Max’s help anyways. RETURNING PLAYERS, REPEAT SONGS AKA "THE MAUER CATEGORY" My reactions from last year in Italics Nelson Cruz: Nelson Cruz can do no wrong right now, and that streak continues as he keeps this merengue banger by Juan Luis Guerra as his walk-up music for another season. Juan Luis Guerra also gets bonus points for looking like the type of guy that moms would be really into, like Jimmy Smits or Andy Garcia. El Jeffrey loves this song, I still love this song, I still love Nelly Cruz, and moms still love Jimmy Smits and Andy Garcia. Nothing but love when Nelson comes to the plate this year. Kenta Maeda: A much-needed change of pace from Maeda here. My Japanese is a little rusty, so I have no idea what they’re saying but I dig it, right down to the Tom Morello-esque guitar solo. King Kenta sticks with King Gnu for another season, which is great, but realistically after the way he pitched last year he could pick anything and I'd be fine with it. You want something from ? You got it, Kenta. Taylor Rogers: I would argue that closer walk-up music may be more important than any other member of the team, and we as Twins fans are in good hands with Taylor Rogers. Picking any song from "Rumours", the album that everyone’s parents own five copies of on vinyl, seems like a can’t miss proposition, but this might be the only track that would work for a closer. Now the question becomes do they have time to play the whole song, or can we just cut to the chase and start it at the bassline around the 3:00 mark? Rogers has some serious competition from Robles for the best reliever intro music crown this year. Hopefully this does not lead to a feud between the two. But if we learned anything from Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks, it’s that periods of stress and petulant feuding can lead to great art. Bonus: Before I wrap this up, I’d like to give a bonus shoutout to Devin Smeltzer aka “Deep Cut Devin” aka “The Outlaw Man” who did not crack the Twins initial roster and therefore was not listed. I hope when he does inevitably get the call back to Target Field this year we get the chance to see him walk out to once again. Or maybe he will go for an even earlier and even more unknown Eagles song. Give us “Earlybird” Hipster Devin, all three people who like that song are clamoring for it! Click here to view the article
  8. In an effort to break it all down, I’ve grouped them into three sections: new Twins players, returning players with new songs, and returning players with the same song, sometimes referencing my article from last year for the latter category if I haven’t had a big change of heart over the past nine months. NEW PLAYERS Hansel Robles: Give this man the closer role based on song choice alone. I am of the opinion that more relief pitchers should use wrestling intro songs, due to the nature of their position and the similarities in the way they enter the field of play. I know I’d be much more excited for a Cody Stashak appearance if it was preempted by . We just need to train Justin Morneau to yell “BAH GOD THAT’S HANSEL ROBLES’ MUSIC!” like Jim Ross used to. Also I love that the Undertaker’s intro song is listed as being BY The Undertaker. I like to imagine that the ‘Taker jumped on Ableton for an afternoon and threw together a composition befitting his greatness.Andrelton Simmons: I won’t even pretend to know this song, but based on what I know about Andrelton’s Twitter feed, I think we should just consider ourselves lucky that he didn’t choose to play 30 seconds of Joe Rogan telling us that vaccinations aren't nearly as effective as eating bear meat. Kyle Garlick: I like Glass Animals just fine, but all of their songs sound the same to me. When I looked this song up I was wondering if it would be the Gooey one or the Pineapple one; turns out it is neither. Not really sure where I’m going with this, but just know I’m sparing you all from making a Garlick/Vampire Weekend joke here, and I’ll say it’s because I’m above it, but really it’s because I couldn’t think of a good one. RETURNING PLAYERS, NEW SONGS Jake Cave: The first thing I did when I saw this choice was furiously Google if Jake Cave is from Houston. He’s not, and how he settled on this song from Slim Thugga that loosely samples instead of some other Houston hits from the era by Mike Jones or Paul Wall, I will never know. The biggest surprise here, however, is that Cave didn’t pick another Eminem song. You may recall that a few years ago, Cave claimed to know all the words to every Eminem song. First of all, there’s just no way that is true. Eminem has released roughly 200 songs in his career. Second of all, there’s a guy who lives on my street who blasts Eminem, and only Eminem, from his basement apartment window every Saturday when the weather is nice. All this to say, I’m not fully convinced that Jake Cave is not living down the block from me in a small basement apartment. Moving forward, I plan on referring to that apartment as “The Jake Cave”.Byron Buxton: Byron Buxton’s song choices are going in reverse chronologically. Buck has now gone from choosing “Flashlight” by Parliament as a rookie, to “Return of the Mack” in his mid-20s, to now choosing a rap song that just came out in his seventh season in the league. I don’t know a single person alive who has started to like newer music as they’ve gotten older. I think there might be a Benjamin Button situation going on here; someone get me a baby picture of Byron Buxton so I can rule this out. Willians Astudillo: I just knew La Tortuga would not mess this up. The man clearly has impeccable taste in all facets of life and I cannot wait to watch him walk up to the plate with this song playing. It’s fast, it’s fun, and best of all it's easy to picture him dancing to it. The video is also great and could have been made with the cheapest music video budget of all time. It features our protagonists Chimbala and Bulin 47, who both happen to have the same body type as Willians, running away from a woman with a skillet, and most of it is filmed in an 18 inch-wide alleyway. I am not kidding when I say I watched this video seven times back-to-back. Bulin 47 is wearing a Yankees hat in it, so my only guess is that the angry skillet lady is a Twins fan. Jorge Alcala: I am immediately forced to take back the “least expensive video ever filmed” title that I just bestowed. My guy El Jeffrey shot a good portion of this video standing in front of a wall with ladders hanging in the background, wearing what looks to be the shirt for a Warners' Stellian delivery person. I had to double and triple check to make sure that this was the real video. As Jackie Chiles would say, it is real and it is spectacular. The highlight for me was a stock photo of Juan Luis Guerra(!!!!), the artist you may remember from Nelson Cruz’s walk-up song (more on him later). I think I woke up my neighbors when that inexplicably showed up in the video at . Other highlights include pictures of Pedro Martinez, Sammy Sosa, David Ortiz, and Manny Ramirez hanging alongside a picture of Mother Teresa, El Jeffrey dancing in front of the ladder wall and a giant backgammon board, and a rare glimpse at an electrifying El Jeffrey live show. I could write 2000 more words about this but I'll close by saying El Jeffrey forever, thank you Jorge Alcala for bringing him into my life.Mitch Garver: After struggling through a rough 2020 season, Garver pulls a genius move here selecting a local anthem in an overt attempt to get us to love him again. I’m actually surprised more players haven’t played this card in the past, considering how much Minnesotans love the local angle. The song, which revels in civic pride while still acknowledging that there may be more desirable locations out there for those who don’t get what makes Minnesota special, is a strong choice and may go a long way towards earning Garver a “One of Us” lifetime pass like a select few former Twins have received. If Mitch isn’t careful we’re going to carve his face out of butter and make him learn about the 1991 Halloween snow storm. Jose Berrios: Berrios goes with his Puerto Rican countryman Daddy Yankee who is still out there doing it at the age of 45. This song just came out two months ago and already has almost 60 million views on Youtube, which is nearly 25 times the population of Puerto Rico. The video features a nice but somewhat strange tribute to another Puerto Rican legend, Roberto Clemente. Daddy Yankee dons a Pirates hat with the number 21 adorned on the wall alongside Daddy Yankee’s record label. A fitting tribute, because as we all know Roberto Clemente loved three things: humanitarian relief efforts, baseball, and El Cartel Records. Max Kepler: This is a pretty good song that samples better songs by My Morning Jacket and Nas, and is a nice way to pay tribute to Mac Miller. However, out of principle, I’m once again refusing to use this space to break down Kepler’s actual song choice, but instead will choose to lament the missed opportunity by everyone’s favorite German Major Leaguer. Still no Kraftwerk, still no grimy Berlin techno music, and still no Rammstein. Which once again dashes my dream of Vin Diesel’s character from “XXX” charging the mound and fighting Aroldis Chapman as “Du Hast” courses through the Target Field loudspeakers when Max comes up to bat. With the way VR and holograms are progressing, I can probably make this happen on my own without Max’s help anyways. RETURNING PLAYERS, REPEAT SONGS AKA "THE MAUER CATEGORY" My reactions from last year in Italics Nelson Cruz: Nelson Cruz can do no wrong right now, and that streak continues as he keeps this merengue banger by Juan Luis Guerra as his walk-up music for another season. Juan Luis Guerra also gets bonus points for looking like the type of guy that moms would be really into, like Jimmy Smits or Andy Garcia. El Jeffrey loves this song, I still love this song, I still love Nelly Cruz, and moms still love Jimmy Smits and Andy Garcia. Nothing but love when Nelson comes to the plate this year. Kenta Maeda: A much-needed change of pace from Maeda here. My Japanese is a little rusty, so I have no idea what they’re saying but I dig it, right down to the Tom Morello-esque guitar solo. King Kenta sticks with King Gnu for another season, which is great, but realistically after the way he pitched last year he could pick anything and I'd be fine with it. You want something from ? You got it, Kenta.Taylor Rogers: I would argue that closer walk-up music may be more important than any other member of the team, and we as Twins fans are in good hands with Taylor Rogers. Picking any song from "Rumours", the album that everyone’s parents own five copies of on vinyl, seems like a can’t miss proposition, but this might be the only track that would work for a closer. Now the question becomes do they have time to play the whole song, or can we just cut to the chase and start it at the bassline around the 3:00 mark? Rogers has some serious competition from Robles for the best reliever intro music crown this year. Hopefully this does not lead to a feud between the two. But if we learned anything from Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks, it’s that periods of stress and petulant feuding can lead to great art. Bonus: Before I wrap this up, I’d like to give a bonus shoutout to Devin Smeltzer aka “Deep Cut Devin” aka “The Outlaw Man” who did not crack the Twins initial roster and therefore was not listed. I hope when he does inevitably get the call back to Target Field this year we get the chance to see him walk out to once again. Or maybe he will go for an even earlier and even more unknown Eagles song. Give us “Earlybird” Hipster Devin, all three people who like that song are clamoring for it!
  9. Horrible trade for sure, but Hicks has fewer ABs than Buxton the past two years and has been worse than Buxton while doing so. The Twins kept the better (currently) and younger of two extremely injury-prone CFs, I think the time to lament his departure was 4-5 years ago.
  10. Rogers, always great on back to back days. Who could have seen it coming?
×
×
  • Create New...