Article: Game Thread: Twins @ Indians, 5/13 6:10pm CT

[Riverbrian]

“Total System Failure.” Those words spoken by owner Jim Pohlad are going to ring in our ears for a while.

It’s an apt description for the 2016 Minnesota Twins thus far. Mistakes and failures large and small dominate our recorded history of the human race so the Twins are not the first and only… nor will they be the last.

Mistakes are what inspired the songwriting of the Australian Band “Men at Work”.

If I’m not mistaken… Here are some things to think about:

 

1. Christopher Columbus – Back in the year 1492… Columbus set out in search of an easier route to China and India because airline travel had simply become too cumbersome. His ship, the Santa Maria, landed on the shores of what is now present day Knoxville, Tennessee, and during his exploration of the surrounding area he ran across the native people of this wonderful new land. Not knowing he was in Knoxville instead of Bangalore he addressed the natives he encountered “Indians.” Jethro and his gang of Knoxville hillbillies continued this reference and it was passed on from generation to generation until the term became so wide spread that hats were eventually made. It was this epic mistake that created the baseball team we face tonight.

2. Coca-Cola – Back in the year 1985… The powers that be at Coco-Cola decided that selling billions of units every second wasn’t good enough so they set out to change their fortunes. They conducted a 10 person blind taste test to compare the favorability of their product with the product rival Pepsi… Stevie Wonder, Helen Keller and Jim Joyce were among the participants in this now famous blind taste test. The results were shocking when they found that all 10 were apathetic toward both products and would typically buy whatever was on sale that week at the super market. The response to this new information was the epic mistake of what was known as “New Coke.” This new formula was created, marketed and distributed worldwide at great expense, and the consumers were quickly outraged. The original Coke was loved and had been consistent since 1984 and the protests became violent. Max Headroom was burned at the stake, Contras were funded, and the best and brightest of the music industry banded together and sang “We are the World” until the old Coke formula was returned.

3. Waterloo – Back in the year 1812… Napoleon Bonaparte was the Emperor of France. For clarification… Emperor is similar to what Dave St. Peter does around these parts and the word Emperor is French and it means penguin. All in all… Dave St. Peter has been a fine penguin for us but this thought isn’t about that. Napoleon was an aggressive little leader much like Jose Altuve and he quickly expanded his empire. When he marched all the way into Moscow he had come a long way but he looked around and immediately thought… “Uff Da… There is really nothing here of any use at all.” He retreated into the Russian winter and it was brutal; for reference… just imagine the January conditions in Fergus Falls. The lack of food and frigid conditions caused the loss of over 10,000 soldiers and horses in one night alone. The history books do not specify how many of the 10,000 were soldiers and how many were horses but this would become a problem either way because if the majority were horses… the soldiers were going to have to learn to run much faster… and… if the majority were soldiers… the horses were going to have to learn to carry weapons. This led to the epic mistake of the Battle of Waterloo. His army marched into what is now present day northeast Iowa and he simply didn’t have the strength to battle General Ben Jacobson and his long range bombing and the rest is history. All of this was chronicled by 4 individuals… Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha and Frida, who were granted full access to Napoleon during this key moment in world history.

4. The Leaning Tower of Pisa – Back in 1173… The city of Pisa wanted a tower that would reach over 55 metres into the sky because they struggled to hunt geese with the rakes they were using from the ground. The firm “HKS Architecture”… famous for their work on this beautiful brand new football stadium in Minneapolis was hired. It was the clever use of glass to bring the birds down that intrigued the Pisa city council. However… in what is now an epic historical mistake… the architects working on the new structure were not informed of the intended use of the tower and failed to include glass in their plans. Another problem was that the structure was built on tremendously soft ground… right over a large tract of pudding… tapioca to be exact. To this day… the area around Pisa mines and exports more tapioca pudding than any place else in the world. We have learned over the years that the mining of tapioca is very dangerous for the workers because of its unstableness. They have lost three times as many tapioca miners than we have lost coal miners since data started being collected by Bill James back in the 1960’s. What was I talking about? Oh yeah… the leaning tower of Pisa… It leans because it was mistakenly built on tapioca and it didn’t help hunt geese and turned out to be a historical epic mistake… I hope the Vikings stadium turns out better!!!

5. The Incredible Flip and the Aftermath – True Story – I have spent many years goofing around with various rock bands just for the fun of it. At no point did we take ourselves very seriously but we enjoyed each other’s company and it was a great way to spend a weekend at different venues around the area and meet new people. This was my typical rock band experience and it was really good enough for me. But back in 1987… my job had taken me to a land far away and I auditioned for an open front man job with what was… without a doubt… the best rock band in the area. This band did take itself seriously and I really had no business being in this band because serious is hard for me, but I got the gig anyway. Every musician in this band was incredible and this is what they did for a living. I was trying to do it on the side and that was consuming my time because the band practiced hard and frequently. Every member of the band would agonize over wrong notes and what we were doing to entertain besides the music. Nobody was allowed to just stand there and play the notes… they had to at least stick their tongues out or something and at least look like they were into what they were doing. Clothing was a heavy topic of discussion to the point that one of the girlfriends was put in charge of dressing me. We would use pyrotechnics if the room allowed and we constantly re-invested in the overall product by purchasing anything new in the stage lighting world (Fast Forward SFX). One day… I showed up at our practice place early. I was there by myself for a bit of time and this gave me a window to try and think of something new and spectacular for our upcoming show.

I was 21 years old and fairly athletic and we had this song we did with driving drums and a dramatic building intro and the first thing that I had to do was sing a high note and hold it. I thought that I could make this better by running from the back of the stage full speed to the edge of it and planting my mic stand on the floor below and using my momentum and the mic stand to flip myself high into the air… timing it perfectly… landing on my feet and hitting the high note exactly when I landed.

Go ahead and re-read that last paragraph so you can imagine it in your head. (Pausing here so you can go back and re-read the last paragraph)

Yes… I could do this back then… just a low percentage of attempts... not every time. I honestly thought the hard part was going to be holding on to the wireless microphone while planting the mic stand and flipping myself into the air… dropping the mic would have been a disaster and the sound guy would have been pissed by the loud thud it would have made when it hit the ground. So… I practiced it like 10 times on our long drum riser alone before anybody showed up to practice and I nailed it… maybe twice, so I decided it needed some more work. (Fast forward SFX).

During the upcoming gig we were about to start the song. I wasn't planning on it at all... it wasn't ready, but I just noticed that there was space on the floor to execute, and I thought… "What the hell," and decided to give it a try. Keep in mind… nobody knew I was going to attempt this… I told no one that I was thinking of this or had even tried it… nobody in the band knew… the sound guy… the light guy… the club owner… nor the entire crowd in attendance, and the place was packed… I was about to spring the most incredible thing on them and blow the room away. Everything went perfectly… the run off the stage… the mic stand plant… the high flip in the air… I held on to the microphone and the timing was absolutely spot on. I flipped into the air… landed directly on my feet and was about to hit that high note on beat but my momentum carried me forward and I flew across the front table… knocking every drink off that table... ending up face first in some surprised girls lap with my feet up in the air. I couldn’t see anything but someone else’s pants, but I could hear the band come to that unplanned stop with each instrument stopping just a little bit behind each other until there was silence. For everyone who was lucky enough to witness this… they are not impressed by the stuff posted on YouTube today because they saw this in-person. In the end… what ended up happening was better, because if I would have nailed it perfectly… they would have talked about it for a week. Because I didn’t… I know they are still talking about it today. True Story.

--------------------
Lineups:

TWINS
Joe Mauer(L) 1B
Eduardo Nunez(R ) SS
Miguel Sano(R ) RF
Trevor Plouffe(R ) 3B
Byung-ho Park(R ) DH
Brian Dozier(R ) 2B
Oswaldo Arcia(L) LF
Kurt Suzuki(R ) C
Danny Santana(S) CF

Ricky Nolasco(R ) P

INDIANS
Carlos Santana(S) DH
Jason Kipnis(L) 2B
Francisco Lindor(S) SS
Mike Napoli(R ) 1B
Jose Ramirez(S) LF
Marlon Byrd(R ) RF
Yan Gomes(R ) C
Juan Uribe(R ) 3B
Rajai Davis(R ) CF

Josh Tomlin(R ) P

Game-time forecast: 62 deg F, partly cloudy, rain is coming ... tomorrow, winds from the west at 10mph.

Click here to view the article

[sampleSizeOfOne]

Fist!

 

Er... Bump!

 

I mean first!

 

Get it right one of these days.

[diehardtwinsfan]

Seriously Brian, how in the world do you think some of this up... absolutely hilarious. 

[Danchat]

Twins lineup:
 

1. Joe Mauer (L) 1B
2. Eduardo Nunez ® SS
3. Miguel Sano ® RF
4. Trevor Plouffe ® 3B
5. Byung Ho Park ® DH
6. Brian Dozier ® 2B
7. Oswaldo Arcia (L) LF
8. Kurt Suzuki ® C
9. Danny Santana (S) CF

 

 

Wow. This might be one of the first lineups that I actually like. Good job, Molitor, you finally bumped Dozier down in the lineup.

[HitInAPinch]

Damnit people.  For the reading impaired:

 

There is not now, nor has there ever been a Bonaparte living in Waterloo, Iowa!!!

There is, however, a bread & breakfast with that name......

 

[Blake]

Brian, another head injury? 

 

2 so far this year that we know of.

 

Not that I'm counting or anything.

[HitInAPinch]

 

 

Twins lineup:
 

1. Joe Mauer (L) 1B
2. Eduardo Nunez ® SS
3. Miguel Sano ® RF
4. Trevor Plouffe ® 3B
5. Byung Ho Park ® DH
6. Brian Dozier ® 2B
7. Oswaldo Arcia (L) LF
8. Kurt Suzuki ® C
9. Danny Santana (S) CF

 

 

Wow. This might be one of the first lineups that I actually like. Good job, Molitor, you finally bumped Dozier down in the lineup.

Was kinda hoping Santana would get a break some day.  His stats keep sinking.

[Broker]

The photo pretty well sums it up.

[Craig Arko]

Damnit people.  For the reading impaired:

 

There is not now, nor has there ever been a Bonaparte living in Waterloo, Iowa!!!

There is, however, a bread & breakfast with that name......

 

What about a von Blucher?

[Guest]

So. . . lead singer RB lands face first in some poor girl's lap. . . Best concert experience of her life or worst concert experience of her life?

[Riverbrian]

 

Seriously Brian, how in the world do you think some of this up... absolutely hilarious. 

 

I just start typing and whatever spills out... stays. 

 

BTW... What does "Seriously" mean? 

 

[HitInAPinch]

 

What about a von Blucher?

He has a deli in town:  The Blucher Shop

[Riverbrian]

 

Brian, another head injury? 

 

2 so far this year that we know of.

 

Not that I'm counting or anything.

 

There's More... I've got one of the finest collections in the world. 

[Riverbrian]

 

So. . . lead singer RB lands face first in some poor girl's lap. . . Best concert experience of her life or worst concert experience of her life?

 

Come On

 

Best!!! 

 

Without a doubt

 

She called me twice a day for a month after that.

 

I had to have someone tell her that I died while trying to get to the phone to get her to finally stop. 

[diehardtwinsfan]

 

So. . . lead singer RB lands face first in some poor girl's lap. . . Best concert experience of her life or worst concert experience of her life?

 

And then the converse, best memory of RB's life, or worst. 

[Pardon My Dinger]

Do you mean to tell me that you lived the movie Rockstar starring Timothy Spall shot-for-shot?

[sampleSizeOfOne]

And then the converse, best memory of RB's life, or worst.

Yes.

 

Unless you mean the shoes.

 

They're good too.

Edited May 13, 2016 by sampleSizeOfOne

[Riverbrian]

 

Do you mean to tell me that you lived the movie Rockstar starring Timothy Spall shot-for-shot?

 

Timothy Spall

 

I had to google him

 

And then I laughed at his selection. 

[Guest]

And then the converse, best memory of RB's life, or worst.

 

The things he doesn't remember are a lot better.

[Mr. Brooks]

And another prospect rots on the bench.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

So... if i got this right...

 

If we don't win tonight, is it Columbus' fault?

 

Or Napoleon?

 

Speaking of Napoleon, i got fond memories of Brigadier Gerard stories when i was young. I mean younger.

[ScrapTheNickname]

^_ROUGH draft

Edited May 13, 2016 by ScrapTheNickname

[Comrade Bork]

Great read! It seems like your mind has had some time to wander while the twins struggle. .

 

Trying Dozier lower in the order 0_o

[Danchat]

 

Was kinda hoping Santana would get a break some day.  His stats keep sinking.

Rosario has been terrible and Mastroianni shouldn't be starting. So Santana's kinda the main guy at CF, unfortunately.

 

And another prospect rots on the bench.

Yeah, Polanco needs to be in the lineup. It has to suck for him to finally get a chance but then Nunez starts hitting .350 so he's glued to the bench.

[Blake]

Speaking of Waterloo.

 

Where the recording legend began:

 

Edited May 13, 2016 by Blake

[70charger]

 

Seriously Brian, how in the world do you think some of this up... absolutely hilarious. 

 

Seriously. This is some Dave Barry kinda stuff. From now on that's my story of how the Cleveland Indians came to be.

[Dr. Evil]

Polanco looks like a very competent hitter to me. Hope he gets a shot soon. I would like to see him in there twice a week for Dozier and twice for Escobar at this point.

[Lee-The-Twins-Fan]

I'd like to see Polanco play SS about 6 days a week, to see what he can do.

[twinssporto]

Nice work River man!  Made my day!

[nicksaviking]

I read a pretty compelling conspiracy theory that New Coke was designed to fail. As the theory goes, Coke was switching from sugar to the much cheaper corn syrup but knew folks would flip out. So instead they changed the entire formula knowing there would be riots. After a few months of looting and anarchy they "caved in" and brought back original Coke -wink wink-* and everyone rejoiced.

 

*wink = corn syrup