Dozens Injured as Twins Bullpen Attempts to Prepare Salad

[RandBalls Stu]

“The burning,” said a team source. “The burning.”

 

Thursday’s off day provided the Minnesota Twins with some much-needed downtime, including their annual Summer Potluck. But the charcuterie turned to carnage when members of the Twins bullpen botched their dish, injuring dozens in the clubhouse.

“We had a real nice spread laid out,” said a team source. “Buffalo chicken dip, sliders, Minnesota sushi, you name it. Then all of a sudden I just hear shouting and screaming and then the burning. The burning.”

Sources say the bullpen was assigned chips and ice, but when reliever Emilio Pagan got lost on his way to Kowalski’s and drove to Fort Smith, Arkansas instead, they improvised a pasta salad. That’s when the trouble began.

“First of all, they didn’t have any of the ingredients one would need to make a pasta salad,” said a clubhouse source. “They had plenty of enthusiasm, but noodles? No. Veggies? No. Dressing? No. A pot and water? Again, no.”

“I can’t stress this enough: the clubhouse doesn’t have a stove,” said former Twin and current Bally Sports North analyst Glen Perkins. “They removed it after they found out (Carl) Pavano was living there for a couple years to in his words ‘let some things sort themselves out.’ You couldn’t even start a fire if you wanted to. And yet.”

Multiple cell phone videos appear to show Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar and other unidentified relief pitchers pouring a Ziploc bag labeled “MAKE CAR GO WATER, DON’T DRINK” on a bucket of gum and sunflower seeds, then attempting to light the unconventional salad with a road flare.

“If I heard them correctly, they said they were marinating the gum and seeds mixture and hoping to sear it to seal in the juices,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Right before the flames engulfed us, I heard Thielbar call it a Goodhue County sous vide. I don’t think that’s right.”

A team spokesperson said that no decision has been made about rescheduling Friday’s game at Texas. Although the injuries are minor, the spokesperson said the bullpen is entirely healthy and they must consider that before making the final call.

 

View full article

[Jeff D.]

Wow...........no wonder we don't know what to expect when the BP door opens! 

Twins Geezer...out!

[wsnydes]

Leave it to the bullpen to ruin a perfectly good spread.  I guess it's true when they say they ruin everything.  

[wsnydes]

And can Pagan stay lost in Fort Smith?  

[Mark G]

Back in the day, the ace reliever (aka closer) was called a fireman, because he was the guy who came into the game to put out the fire.  Our candidate for "fireman of the year" couldn't make it out of the clubhouse.    

[Samuel]

Honest to God. Does this not speak volumes. Give directions to Pagan to just keep driving. Don't tell where the team is.

[Richie the Rally Goat]

I laughed so hard!

new vocabulary word too. It’s a good day when you learn what Minnesota sushi is!

[sampleSizeOfOne]

W.E. Bowman suggests next salad should include Binder's Butter Beans.

[mikelink45]

Time to call Uber Eats and order new BP pitchers - forget the salad.

[Rosterman]

You mean they don't grill out in the bullpen during the game anyways?

 

Always thought the only reason a relief pitcher came into a game was to bring in a few burgers and dogs for the dugout.

[ashbury]

2 hours ago, Richie the Rally Goat said:

I laughed so hard!

new vocabulary word too. It’s a good day when you learn what Minnesota sushi is!

Ditto.  Also "sous vide".  I learned a lot of "haute cuisine" (another new bit of vocabulary) today!

[sampleSizeOfOne]

2 hours ago, ashbury said:

5 hours ago, Richie the Rally Goat said:

I laughed so hard!

new vocabulary word too. It’s a good day when you learn what Minnesota sushi is!

Ditto.  Also "sous vide".  I learned a lot of "haute cuisine" (another new bit of vocabulary) today!

Wait, there's learning afoot?!

 

"We aughta file that under educational, too"

 

ps. if i select text through the interface from someone quoting someone else (like "Minnesota sushi" above) to respond to it, it attibutes it to ashbury rather than richie... now i ask ya, is that right?

[Mike Sixel]

One of your best. Hat tip.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

35 minutes ago, Mike Sixel said:

One of your best. Hat tip.

(Who's Hat tip?)

[Craig Arko]

Minnesota sushi is walleye, wild rice, and tater tot hot dish.

[insagt1]

It's still hilarious when you are 4.5 games ahead! The pen is a trainwreck..but what ever happened to the player they called 'starting pitcher'.. he's gone. No one has any. Every game requires 5 or 6 pitchers. That's just plain wrong.

[Richie the Rally Goat]

2 hours ago, Craig Arko said:

Minnesota sushi is walleye, wild rice, and tater tot hot dish.

Nope

[KBJ1]

This bullpen is Indeed worthy of a Borrowicz satire.

I think TCBear needs to carry around a fire extinguisher