Marriage advice

[DaveW]

So I realized today it's 2 months on the dot til I marry the future Mrs. DaveW

 

Also today ended the three day bender otherwise known as MTL bachelor party/F-1 weekend (highly reccomend both) so it was quite a moment of clarity.

 

I have been online "buds" with a lot of you for 10+ years and figured this would be an interesting expirement to see if you have any advice for a happy marriage. For the sake of this excersize maybe we limit it to a couple tips max.

 

Overall I'm excited, ready, and all of that, literally the only thing I am nervous about is the first dance and not messing up a line or something during th ceremony.

[ashbury]

1) Never take for granted that your interpretation of a word is the same as your spouse's. Couples can go for years without realizing that they don't mean the same thing by the word "vacation", for example; one likes to spend a week reading under a beach umbrella, while the other talks the first into seeing every sight that the area has to offer, and the entire time goes by and the first one keeps waiting for the actual vacation to start. Family gatherings at holidays, financial choices, sharing of housework - all of these things can require talking out, and sometimes require you to realize you had assumptions you never dreamed weren't absolutes.

 

2) Respect for your spouse is expected in everything you say, and personal attacks are not allowed. Do not be disruptive through trolling, flame-baiting, and thread-jacking.

 

 

[Badsmerf]

Marriage is hard. You have to work at it to be successful. Reading books about marriage, being intentional about your time, truly listening to whatever she wants to talk to you about, making her feel special... the list is long. Again, its not easy. Some marriages are easier I imagine, but why would you want to be married to a roommate? Your partner should be just that, a partner in everything. Good luck, believe me, you'll need it at some point. I'll always be willing to support you, so pm if need anything.

[Squirrel]

The only advice I have as someone who never wanted to be married and has seen friends miserable or through horrible divorces ... know yourself and be honest with yourself because it's not just your life anymore. And it's never too late to change your mind.

 

I guess beneath my hopeful exterior lies the heart of a cynic.

[glunn]

 

 

 

2). Do not be disruptive through trolling, flame-baiting, and thread-jacking.

Uh oh.

[glunn]

I have been married for 35 years.

 

There are 3 key phrases:

 

1.  Yes, dear.

 

2.  Whatever you say, honey.

 

3 (for when you have kids) Ask your mom.

[gunnarthor]

Just understand that you aren't going to change for her and she isn't going to change for you. So if there's something you are hoping will change after getting married, it's not going to happen. Make sure you've talked about the important stuff beforehand - religion, money, sex.

 

I think it's good to have things to do in common - my wife and I both love board games, for example - but it's also important to be able to do things separately.  I have a friend whose GF of four years still can't be alone without him so she's constantly texting him and calling him if he's out with me or other guys. Not a good relationship.

[Pardon My Dinger]

I myself am a relative newlywed, so, here's a nugget that I could have used:

 

Get yourself ready for the ennui that is going to set in 2-3 months after the date. This has likely been a very exciting year, what with all the planning and anticipation. There's kind of an 'alright, well, here we are, this is it,' thing. Not a very romantic thought, but not a bad thing either. Just understand that the wedding is not a culmination, but rather, a beginning.

[Craig Arko]

Get a dog that you both like.

[DaveW]

 

Just understand that you aren't going to change for her and she isn't going to change for you. So if there's something you are hoping will change after getting married, it's not going to happen. Make sure you've talked about the important stuff beforehand - religion, money, sex.

 

I think it's good to have things to do in common - my wife and I both love board games, for example - but it's also important to be able to do things separately.  I have a friend whose GF of four years still can't be alone without him so she's constantly texting him and calling him if he's out with me or other guys. Not a good relationship.

Yeah I think that is the best advice I could give anyone in a relationship. Having a few different interests and not spending every second together isn't bad thing at all, and in fact makes you appreciate the time you do have together even more.

Frankly, I love it when she has a girls night or dinner with friends etc, allows me a chance to put the Twins game on the living room TV instead of the Ipad or bedroom TV 

Good point on the "change" part as well, we have been together 4 years so I think we sort of know the areas that will never change (she will never care about NASCAR, I will never organize my closet) I think co habitation has helped a lot as well as we have lived together for 3 years, I think that is the period you learn a TON about what another and various little details.

[DaveW]

 

Get a dog that you both like.

Already crossed that one off the list.

We treat Mauer like a freaking price, and I think we are going to adopt a senior dog sometime shortly after the wedding.

[DaveW]

 

 

 

 

1) Never take for granted that your interpretation of a word is the same as your spouse's. Couples can go for years without realizing that they don't mean the same thing by the word "vacation", for example; one likes to spend a week reading under a beach umbrella, while the other talks the first into seeing every sight that the area has to offer, and the entire time goes by and the first one keeps waiting for the actual vacation to start. Family gatherings at holidays, 

Yeah this is great advice, we sort of figured out the vacation mojo somewhat early on, but yeah, it took one trip to realize that her ideal vacation isn't a "lets just go camp at a NASCAR race all weekend and BBQ" type, but rather a "lets goto Europe" type.

That was one change I happily made

[Pardon My Dinger]

Oh, one more: when you're on your moneymoon, you be sure and let those MFers know you're on your honeymoon every chance you get and take them for everything they're worth.

[ashbury]

Yeah this is great advice

I can't claim it as my own. I'm not religious but we got married in my wife's church, and the pre-marriage class they required had that little nugget of wisdom which I carried with me.

 

If you are planning on having children, I will share another nugget from a co-worker many years ago: when you go from 2 kids to 3, remember that you have to go from a man-to-man defense to a zone. We wound up with 3, and I thought of that principle many times during the years of soccer practice, PTA meetings and cub scout camps.

[DaveW]

 

I can't claim it as my own. I'm not religious but we got married in my wife's church, and the pre-marriage class they required had that little nugget of wisdom which I carried with me.

 

If you are planning on having children, I will share another nugget from a co-worker many years ago: when you go from 2 kids to 3, remember that you have to go from a man-to-man defense to a zone. We wound up with 3, and I thought of that many times during the years of soccer practice, PTA meetings and cub scout camps.

lol, yeah that is good advice, we both came from a family of 3 children so I am guessing that is where that will all end up shaking out. Kids, that's a whole nother thread for a whole nother day (hopefully not 2017!!!!) 

[Otto von Ballpark]

Stick a fork in bachelorhood!

 

Or, if you don't have any clean forks, a spoon or spork will suffice.

[ashbury]

Kids, that's a whole nother thread for a whole nother day (hopefully not 2017!!!!) 

If you plan to have kids and think you can compartmentalize the topic of children from a question asking for marriage advice... well, you need more help than any of us can offer.

[Mike Sixel]

1, I agree, you both need friends and support groups that aren't only there as a couple. You need to have things you like to do together, and to do separately. That's huge.

 

2. You need to talk about everything, and assume nothing. Money, religion, kids, politics, who cooks/cleans, everything. No matter what you think you know right now, it changes.

 

3. We had marriage issues this year.* It's not much of a secret to a lot of people. Hopefully no one finds out here first that we know! The thing that stuck with me in therapy is that you go thru different marriages over time. Cohabitation is different then pre kid marriage, is different than kid marriage, is different than after kid marriage. Some people stay with the same person thru all 3-5 stages. Some don't. What you think you know about each other at each stage? You aren't ready for the next stage, no matter how much you think you are. Be patient. 

 

*if anyone is having issues, and wants to talk, I'm available. Talking helps.

[PseudoSABR]

So Book it? Or is this thread like other of your threads....

 

All the best, really.  Remember that your happiness matters, too.

[Brock Beauchamp]

Marriage is hard. Communicate, communicate some more, and then communicate even more. Discuss everything. If there's still conflict, don't shy away from therapy. It's a slow, grinding process but if you both put in the effort, it will likely work.

 

And, like pseudo said, your happiness matters, too. Acquiescing to your partner is often the easiest route to take but in the long run, it's a losing strategy. And remember the same about her if you see she's acquiescing to your wants/needs too often.

 

So, basically, be attentive and communicate.

[nicksaviking]

Don't judge your relationship based on how other couples' relationships appear. No one truly knows what's going on with other couples and it can cause resentment between you and your spouse if you start thinking, 'Geez, Jim's wife does this, and Jim's wife let's him do that'.

 

Also, if you haven't already, make sure to fart in front of her to make sure you know the reaction to expect going forward.

[Vanimal46]

Don't judge your relationship based on how other couples' relationships appear. No one truly knows what's going on with other couples and it can cause resentment between you and your spouse if you start thinking, 'Geez, Jim's wife does this, and Jim's wife let's him do that'.

 

I'm not getting married anytime soon, but currently experiencing this with Ms. Vanimal. Holy bleep is this annoying. Another couple we hang out with a lot has pet names for each other and acts so lovey dovey that their relationship looks fake. Ms. Vanimal gets self conscious about it because we don't do this.

[DaveW]

 

Also, if you haven't already, make sure to fart in front of her to make sure you know the reaction to expect going forward.

We got that out of the way by the third date.

[Mike Sixel]

 

Don't judge your relationship based on how other couples' relationships appear. No one truly knows what's going on with other couples and it can cause resentment between you and your spouse if you start thinking, 'Geez, Jim's wife does this, and Jim's wife let's him do that'.

 

Also, if you haven't already, make sure to fart in front of her to make sure you know the reaction to expect going forward.

 

this is good advice for everything in life, don't compare yourself to others....

[GCTF]

[twinsnorth49]

Listen........and then listen some more.

 

 

Are you listening?

[biggentleben]

Your wedding day is a day. Your marriage is all the days thereafter. Spend every moment before the day and after working toward more days to come, not building toward the big day or reminiscing on the big day. Sometimes that means things for her, sometimes things for you, sometimes things for the kids/future kids/pets, and it's okay when it's not about you, but remember that you should never bury you - or expect her to bury her.

 

Big one - money is important. Don't let money rule your marriage, but realize that it is the primary reason that stuff breaks down for most couples, so make sure that, if anything, you communicate about money thoroughly - and there is no "my money" or "her money" anymore. What you bring into the marriage is now shared, and that is the biggest issue I've had to counsel out of folks.

[USAFChief]

Concur with Ben...make sure both of you agree to a money plan, and then follow it.

 

Fights will happen. Understand what you're fighting about, and stick to that.

 

No kids until you both want them.

[biggentleben]

One my wife added last night as we sat in the ICU with her father and her step mother:

 

Find something to laugh about every day together. Bonus points if you and your partner can find something to keep your (and your family's) mood light in times of adversity, because they will come. My wife and I have the hotel room key from our honeymoon from when we were attempting to do laundry near our hotel and were caught in a flash flood down pour in the middle of DC. It led to a pretty heated discussion that led to a great laugh, and it's a reminder to us that no matter how bad things can get, there's humor in there somewhere.

[Sarah]

 

I have been married for 35 years.

 

There are 3 key phrases:

 

1.  Yes, dear.

 

2.  Whatever you say, honey.

 

3 (for when you have kids) Ask your mom.

 

Haha, regarding #3 my dad has a slight variation on that - whenever I asked him anything when I was younger his first response was usually, "Where's your mother?"