Pohlads ‘Furious’ at Not Being Able to Trade Commercial Real Estate Holdings

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Matt Lehman

A disappointing post-All-Star-break record led the Minnesota Twins to make a remarkable number of transactions this week. Most notably, they traded elite closer Jhoan Duran to Philadelphia for two top Phillies prospects and sent shortstop Carlos Correa back to Houston.

While the team waving the white flag for 2025 might upset some fans, sources say the current team ownership is even angrier. Just not in the way you’d think.

“If we can trade players for cheaper players and, even better, cash money, why can’t we trade these stupid [EXPLETIVE] buildings,” said a memo from the Pohlad family to Derek Falvey and the entire front office that was shared with Twins Daily. “You can’t tell me the Dodgers don’t want a nice retirement community in Woodbury for when Brock Stewart gets injured again. It has a hot tub.”

The terse internal memo, littered with uncharacteristically colorful language for team correspondence, arrives as the Pohlads are attempting to sell the franchise for a reported $1.7 billion. While that would almost certainly alleviate any harm from a soft commercial real estate market, that money isn’t here yet. Another section, directed at Twins president of baseball and business operations Derek Falvey, made that uncomfortably clear.

“You know who doesn’t have a no-trade clause, Derek? Buildings. You know who doesn’t have a union rep busting your [EXPLETIVE] about paid paternity leave, Derek? Buildings. You know what has a vacancy rate of 95 [EXPLETIVE] percent that no one’s paying the [EXPLETIVE] rent on, Derek? Buildings. Let’s think outside the box here.”

By the end of Thursday's action, the Twins had traded Duran, Correa, Stewart, Griffin Jax, Louis Varland, Danny Coulombe, Chris Paddack, Randy Dobnak, Ty France and Harrison Bader, all in return for prospects.

“Prospects are great, but what’s even better is a mixed-use seven-story building in Richfield that isn’t our [EXPLETIVE] problem anymore. Ask that goofball from the Mets [billionaire owner Steve Cohen] if he’ll take that and Willi Castro for a briefcase full of twenties.”

The Pohlads, who spend summer Thursdays playing croquet with human mallets at their country estate in Switzerland, were unavailable to comment on the memo.

Image license here.

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[LastOnePicked]

I'm glad they're still playing with human mallets. When Ai comes for my job, that's the kind of lateral career opportunity I'm looking for.

[Reptevia]

I liked you better when you did satire. 

[tborg]

Thanks Stu.  I needed this.

[DJL44]

3 hours ago, LastOnePicked said:

I'm glad they're still playing with human mallets. When Ai comes for my job, that's the kind of lateral career opportunity I'm looking for.

Beats scrubbing gold-plated toilets.

[CRF]

Truth is stranger than fiction. 

[sampleSizeOfOne]

37 minutes ago, CRF said:

Truth is stranger than fiction. 

I can't tell... is this truth or fiction?

 

I bet the sticking point in the Red Sox Joe Ryan offer was the We were holding out for the Zakim bridge and they would only part with the Tobin...

[TheMix]

I live in Woodbury... It's a jacuz, not a hot tub.

[Western SD Fan]

In a related move, I heard they were able to rehome TC Bear to the Roosevelt Park Zoo in Minot, ND as a way to keep him quiet and to stop the leaks coming out of 1 Twins Way.

[ashbury]

7 hours ago, LastOnePicked said:

I'm glad they're still playing with human mallets. When Ai comes for my job, that's the kind of lateral career opportunity I'm looking for.

Whatever your asking price, I will undercut it by 10%.  It's important to save our betters their money.

[LastOnePicked]

20 minutes ago, ashbury said:

Whatever your asking price, I will undercut it by 10%.  It's important to save our betters their money.

Good luck. This is one thick noggin, ideal for the work. If they sold human mallets at Dior, that's where you'd find me. That's where the rich shop for such luxuries, I hear.

[Morland]

Probably more accurate than we'd like to think.