What Is the AL Central Most Like?

[RandBalls Stu]

The worst division in baseball leaves a wide berth for comparisons and metaphors. Twins Daily investigates the most apt ones.

Image courtesy of © Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Going into the season, the consensus was that the American League Central would be average at best and that only two or three teams had a realistic shot at clearing the very attainable bar of winning it.

That negativity has, if anything, proven overly optimistic. The godless Chicago White Sox have joined Kansas City in the divisional toilet, with Detroit managing to look improved only by comparison to those two. That leaves a wildly boring Cleveland team, currently a half-game behind the Tigers, and a fun but flawed Minnesota Twins team once again being the best of a bad lot.

Twins Daily is fortunate to have a lot of fellow bloggers, broadcasters, and weather-beaten sportswriters in its audience, and those folks need something with which to compare this ugly division. It’s our pleasure to provide this service to them and all of you: What is the AL Central Most Like? Not the worst thing in the world, but sorely lacking in aesthetics or ambition and the potential to really stink up the joint.

• A college student in his seventh year. He’s not dumb, but he likes to party, and there’s no real reason to rush as long as mom stays married to his well-off stepdad. His name is Sean or Max. He is majoring in poli sci, he thinks. His marijuana intake is remarkable.
• Indiana. You’re only going there if your job makes you or you watched Hoosiers at a vulnerable age.
• The fourth or fifth film in a movie franchise that no one really cares about anymore but enough people show up to keep it going. Transformers: Rise of the Bloodmoon or something like that.
• A used car with six figures on the odometer. You might be able to squeeze more miles out of it, but it’ll cost you. You called it your “work car” because that’s what you were going to use it for, but now it’s your “work car” in that it’s stuck in the work parking lot because the alternator is shot.
• A plain hamburger at a chain restaurant. The menu gives you the ol’ razzle dazzle for the Jalapeno Popper Butter Burger Bomb or Col. Saugatuck’s Old-Fashioned Double Bacon Patty Melt with Country Gravy but tucked away at the bottom is Plain Burger. They don’t even try to gussy it up with words like Angus or sizzling or traditional. If you want fries, the dishwasher with the strongest arm throws them at you and whatever you catch in your mouth, that’s it.
• The USA Network. If you’re a cord-cutter, you may not know that there’s a station that is no cable subscriber’s first, second, or even third choice for entertainment. But it’s always there, somewhere between Lifetime and TNT. You don’t even watch NCIS but you’ve somehow seen this episode. All the commercials are for reverse mortgages and laxatives for patriots.
• Maroon 5. Catchy enough, even played the Super Bowl, but they’re not anyone’s favorite band. Horny but in an annoying way, like they're coming on to you because they want to tell you about a time-share opportunity in Fort Myers. You can name two songs, but you're guessing on the second one's title (it's "This Love"). Nickelback fans make fun of them. Nickelback.
• A town where the biggest store is a Kohl’s. You really wish they had a Target, an Old Navy, or even a dumpy mall. But no. Kohl’s it is. Nice enough town, but none of the kids stay there after high school. Dutch elm disease killed the trees that the tornado didn't. The local newspaper went under in 2011, otherwise the lead story in this week’s edition would be the fire in the abandoned Pick 'n Save.

We hope this helps.

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[wsnydes]

A car with 6 digits on the odometer that only needs an alternator seems overly optimistic, doesn't it?  I suppose if you then told me that it has no floor boards, the rocker panels rusted out in the Reagan administration and otherwise resembles the Blues Brothers car at the end of the police chase scene, I guess I can run with that.

And at least the Blues Brothers car got them to their destination, so there is that.

[mikelink45]

Asking someone you really aren't excited about to go out because you thought the one you wanted was committed, only to find out she wasn't and now you are stuck with what you have. 

[wsnydes]

28 minutes ago, mikelink45 said:

Asking someone you really aren't excited about to go out because you thought the one you wanted was committed, only to find out she wasn't and now you are stuck with what you have. 

Instant "buyers" remorse! 🤣

[Reptevia]

Aldi’s. Sure, everything is cheaper, but it’s also “less”, isn’t it?

[Vanimal46]

We’re the Roma frozen pizza of MLB. You can taste the freezer burn when it’s hot out of the oven. 

[BobAzar]

 

"A college student in his seventh year. "

 

 

 

[Eephus]

Plain burger is a really good start, but it is more like a generic fast food chain with 5 things on the menu and no condiments other than ketchup. And the soda fountain has Walmart Great Value branded pop. 

[Dave Borton]

What Is the AL Central Most Like?

I have these 5 female cousins from Aunt Cloretta.

I would like to fix up RandBalls Stu with the best looking one. She's the one with all her teeth and went back to get her G.E.D.

 

[Rod Carews Birthday]

When your 80 year old uncle offers you his 40 year old riding lawnmower that hasn't been started in "a while" for free.

 

[LA Vikes Fan]

Generic Viagra. Yeah it works, but it's kind of depressing that you both need it and you have to be price conscious when you buy it. And, who knows what's actually in there. 

[joefish]

24 minutes ago, LA VIkes Fan said:

Generic Viagra. Yeah it works, but it's kind of depressing that you both need it and you have to be price conscious when you buy it. And, who knows what's actually in there. 

And there's that nasty lingering headache. And you wonder if it was worth it.

[LA Vikes Fan]

25 minutes ago, joefish said:

And there's that nasty lingering headache. And you wonder if it was worth it.

Not that you or I would know about that from any personal experience..... Just heard about it.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

No one can eat 50 eggs!

[ashbury]

On 5/18/2023 at 11:03 PM, RandBalls Stu said:

• Indiana. You’re only going there if your job makes you or you watched Hoosiers at a vulnerable age.

 

Some can claim the partial defense of having wanted to be close to their mother when they were born, and now going back to see her now and then.

[ashbury]

32 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

No one can eat 50 eggs!

Not on an empty stomach, anyway.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

1 hour ago, ashbury said:

Some can claim the partial defense of having wanted to be close to their mother when they were born, and now going back to see her now and then.

What about liking the music man song?

[sampleSizeOfOne]

1 hour ago, ashbury said:

Not on an empty stomach, anyway.

I'm just hoping We have it for the "the man want's speed, let's give it to him!" part of the season.

 

Hyaw!

[sampleSizeOfOne]

Oh, and who's the picture of?

 

More so i get the joke implicit in it than i actually want to know.

 

Is it some descendent of Lydia? (of the song: "Say have you met Lydia?")

[ashbury]

17 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

Oh, and who's the picture of?

 

More so i get the joke implicit in it than i actually want to know.

 

Is it some descendent of Lydia? (of the song: "Say have you met Lydia?")

He's the lead singer of Maroon 5, referenced in the article.  Impressive tats, for those impressed by that sort of thing.