Area Bozo Troubled by Quicker Games

[RandBalls Stu]

“The third hour, the golden hour, is when I really light up the umpires and players who I feel aren’t giving 100%, which is all of them.”

Image courtesy of © Nick Wosika-USA TODAY Sports

Many are praising the rule changes that have led 2023 Major League Baseball games to finish at a demonstrably faster pace. For others, it’s making their beloved pastime almost unrecognizable.

“When I a buy a ticket, I expect to get my money’s worth,” said Anoka retiree Tom Hanson, a classic North Metro blockhead. “I’m paying their salaries, I expect an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.”

Hanson, whose fourth wife left him for a television preacher named Alden, thinks the newfound quickness is antithetical to the true meaning of the game.

“When I go to Scary-apolis I need four beers minimum, I need to scoff at the tip line on the receipt loud enough so they can hear, and I need to complain about the price each time,” said Hanson. “if the game is two hours long, how am I supposed to berate anyone and get my load on?”

The absentee father and grandfather claimed a longer game is more authentic and truer to the way it’s meant to be played.

“That third hour, the golden hour, is when I really light up the umpires and players who I feel are dogging it or aren’t giving 100%, which is all of them,” said the dullard. “And since it’s still just the 7th inning, I have the time I need to yell at kids for not standing for God Bless America, beat the traffic home, and use my burner phone to call in to the stations that have blocked my other numbers and complain about Byron Buxton’s contract.”

With no return to the way things were imminent, Hanson said he’ll focus on his own in-game adjustments.

“I’m not a fan of IPAs, but they make me angrier quicker,” said the man who has spent the last seven Christmases alone. “Figure I can choke one of those down then take the nearest player wearing jewelry on the field down a peg. Ted Williams never wore a chain and he spoke American. Print that.”

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[nclahammer]

I'm pretty sure I've sat next to Tom, maybe only for an inning or two, at a Twins game.

[Cory Engelhardt]

Dullard is such a great burn. That one needs to be used much  more often. 

[mikelink45]

I believe he is the same guy who thinks he gets his moneys worth when his golf game in 140 instead of 70.  He gets so many more swings for his bucks, plus he sees more of the course.

[chpettit19]

1 hour ago, mikelink45 said:

I believe he is the same guy who thinks he gets his moneys worth when his golf game in 140 instead of 70.  He gets so many more swings for his bucks, plus he sees more of the course.

I feel personally attacked! I love my in depth tours of golf courses. How am I supposed to get ticks, and poison ivy, if I'm not trudging through the woods every other hole?

[DJL44]

2 hours ago, nclahammer said:

I'm pretty sure I've sat next to Tom, maybe only for an inning or two, at a Twins game.

I have relatives just like him. I still wonder if he's a fictional character, a pastiche of interactions with north metro dullards or an actual person Stu has to deal with.

Love how Stu added the self-own for Mr. Hanson with the Ted Williams reference.

[Dave Borton]

1 hour ago, mikelink45 said:

I believe he is the same guy who thinks he gets his moneys worth when his golf game in 140 instead of 70.  He gets so many more swings for his bucks, plus he sees more of the course.

The irony is that his scorecard reads 73.

[Dave The Dastardly]

1 hour ago, mikelink45 said:

I believe he is the same guy who thinks he gets his moneys worth when his golf game in 140 instead of 70.  He gets so many more swings for his bucks, plus he sees more of the course.

Sounds like me. Then I played in a club tournament and won a trophy. Figured out my cost per stroke and realized winning was a losing proposition. So I quit golf and took up bowling.

[Cory Engelhardt]

51 minutes ago, chpettit19 said:

I feel personally attacked! I love my in depth tours of golf courses. How am I supposed to get ticks, and poison ivy, if I'm not trudging through the woods every other hole?

Best targeted (real life) ad I ever saw; I was golfing at Hidden Greens in Hastings years back, and I sliced my drive on hole one into the trees. I see a sign on a tree as I walk to find my ball, and it read "If you can read this sign, call this number, I'm a golf teacher and I will fix your slice."

I didn't call, but I still remember the ad :)

[ashbury]

Which kind of IPA is Hanson not a fan of?  The kind that tastes the way Pine-Sol smells?  Or the kind that is basically grapefruit juice?

[Vanimal46]

Tom is never going to accomplish the illustrious 9-9-9 challenge (9 hot dogs, 9 beers, 9 innings) now that games are 2.5 hours! 

[James]

5 hours ago, mikelink45 said:

I believe he is the same guy who thinks he gets his moneys worth when his golf game in 140 instead of 70.  He gets so many more swings for his bucks, plus he sees more of the course.

 

4 hours ago, chpettit19 said:

I feel personally attacked! I love my in depth tours of golf courses. How am I supposed to get ticks, and poison ivy, if I'm not trudging through the woods every other hole?

I also feel personally attacked! I use that excuse for my lousy golf play.  

...have I been a grumpy dullard all this time?

[James]

1 hour ago, ashbury said:

Which kind of IPA is Hanson not a fan of?  The kind that tastes the way Pine-Sol smells?  Or the kind that is basically grapefruit juice?

Yes.

[ziggy]

5 hours ago, chpettit19 said:

I love my in depth tours of golf courses. How am I supposed to get ticks, and poison ivy, if I'm not trudging through the woods every other hole?

Too bad we don't have poisonous snakes and alligators to get the full off course experience.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 4/7/2023 at 10:21 AM, Dave The Dastardly said:

Sounds like me. Then I played in a club tournament and won a trophy. Figured out my cost per stroke and realized winning was a losing proposition. So I quit golf and took up bowling.

Wait... Did you win the tournament because everyone else liked to see more of the course, and get more for their entrance fee than you?

I think you can save on caddies if you only have 1 golf club too. None of this switching clubs to confuse your stroke. Master 1 club, and use it everywhere.