Article: Royals Fan Tired of Your Complaining

[RandBalls Stu]

You vented to your friend from Kansas City about some of the Twins' recent struggles. He's not having it.Jeremy Tanner is your friend from childhood. A Missouri native, he's loved the Kansas City Royals that entire time, through years of incompetency to their improbable World Series win to their return to incompetency.

 

And he's had just about enough out of you.

 

"I saw him post on Facebook about how disappointed he was in Wednesday night's game," Tanner told Twins Daily. "He said the Twins wasted Byron Buxton's amazing home run with bad pitching and worse defense. Imagine my surprise to look at the standings this morning and see who had the best record in baseball. Guess who it is. Just guess."

 

Tanner, a Delano resident, was just getting warmed up.

 

"Meanwhile, I kept scrolling down the AL Central standings. Well below the team with the biggest division lead in baseball, WHICH IS THE MINNESOTA TWINS BY THE WAY, and well below Cleveland and Chicago and even the useless Tigers, that's where the Royals are. 23.5 games back. IT'S NOT EVEN FATHER'S DAY YET."

 

Tanner gathered himself, lit a cigarette, took an improbably long drag, and continued.

 

"Last week, when the Twins sent down (Willians) Astudillo, he texted me about how he was disappointed but understood the move. He actually texted a Royals fan about how he was disappointed that Minnesota's third catcher wasn't playing quite as well as the first two catchers. The unmitigated GALL. I've watched the platoon of Martin Maldonado and Cam Gallagher all year, and he's TEXTING ME ABOUT CATCHERS."

 

Tanner, who works for a local liquor distributor, lit a new cigarette with the butt of his old cigarette.

 

"The one positive about this weekend's series is that (Michael) Pineda isn't pitching for Minnesota. The last time we talked, he was worried if Pineda had what it takes to be the fifth starter. Instead of strangling him right there on the spot, I just shrugged, didn't mention that they'll make the playoffs if they run an actual human baby out there every fifth day, and asked how his wife is doing at her new job."

 

Tanner says he plans to go to Saturday's game with you, but would just as soon take the train because he hates looking for parking.

 

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[LA_NorthStar]

Enjoy the ride, friends. How many times will this happen in our lifetime?

[Squirrel]

hahaha ... I hope we can all laugh at ourselves when we read these ... too funny!

[Puckett34]

 

Enjoy the ride, friends. How many times will this happen in our lifetime?

The Twins have a .671 winning percentage currently, they went 70-32 the last 102 games in 2006 for a winning percentage of .686. Roughly the same pace, albeit a smaller sample size.

 

So about every 13 years or so. 

[BobAzar]

Great as always, but you can tell this is satire, because after living in KC from 2011-14, I can tell you, no one cared about the team this much to have these feelings. No one cared until 2014, and that only lasted 2-3 seasons. 

[jkcarew]

Jeremy also likes to end most of our baseball conversations with "even my hapless club has managed to win more championships than yours in the last quarter century!"

 

Great guy, that Jeremy.

[scottz]

"they'll make the playoffs if they run an actual human baby out there every fifth day"

 

That's a phrase that pays. Good laugh words right there.

[RatherBeGolfing]

Stu - can we get more clarification on what brought Tanner from KCMO to Delano? Thanks for filling in the backstory in advance

[Harrison Greeley III]

This one has legs for recurring articles. 

[sampleSizeOfOne]

"they'll make the playoffs if they run an actual human baby out there every fifth day"

 

That's a phrase that pays. Good laugh words right there.

I'd be worried about leaving it in too long.

 

And who would we send down to make a roster spot?

[psturnbloom]

This is hilarious! Interesting choice to write it in the second person. It worked.

[bird]

Jeremy Tanner should start a blog.

[ScooterDance]

The Twins have a .671 winning percentage currently, they went 70-32 the last 102 games in 2006 for a winning percentage of .686. Roughly the same pace, albeit a smaller sample size.

 

So about every 13 years or so. 

 

Wow that really puts this in to perspective. They were sooooooooo good in 2006. Magical almost. And yet, here we are.

[Thegrin]

You must applaud a true fan, like your friend.

You must be appalled at his choice of teams. 

[scottz]

 

And who would we send down to make a roster spot?

 

I'd say it would have to be one of the adults.

[TFRazor]

 

I'd be worried about leaving it in too long.

And who would we send down to make a roster spot?

Bat boy

[twinssporto]

Stu - in light of our Twins overwhelming performance this year, you need to write at least 2 or 3 blogs a week.  I love these.  It's inspiring!  

 

By the way, the only thing Tanner is missing is a few pots of black coffee brewing in the background to go with the cigs.  

[gil4]

If he's wearing that robe, I don't know him (even if he's my brother.)  Tell him (since I'm not speaking to him) that Hal McRae is the dirtiest player in history and MLB should have denied the protest in the pine tar game. Oh, and George Brett was overrated. (That last one isn't true, but that doesn't matter when talking trash.)

[AlwaysinModeration]

I’m just not clear why Williams Astudillo is texting Tanner.

 

And for some reason I read it as “run over a human baby every fifth game”, which would have been only a modest proposal, but may have been swiftly misinterpreted.

[ashbury]

I’m just not clear why Williams Astudillo is texting Tanner.

 

And for some reason I read it as “run over a human baby every fifth game”, which would have been only a modest proposal, but may have been swiftly misinterpreted.

Clicked Like twice, once for each paragraph.

 

This is hilarious! Interesting choice to write it in the second person. It worked.

Jeremy Tanner believes you should read The Onion more often.