Twins Front Office Looking to Sign Even More Obscure Player to Get You Goofballs All Riled Up

[RandBalls Stu]

“If we can find someone who’s playing beer-league ball in Modesto, rest assured, we will sign him and watch you weirdos go nuts.”

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Mark Bowman

As the big (and not-so-big) names in MLB free agency continue finding homes, the Minnesota Twins have done the bare minimum. And they’re leaning into it.

“You sickos produced an extraordinary amount of content over Josh Staumont,” said a Twins front office source, referencing the wealth of blog posts, podcasts, and social media conversation about the former Kansas City Royals reliever. “Josh Staumont! He’s not even getting a million dollars! Incredible.”

The team expects similar clamor over Thursday’s claim of starter-turned-reliever Ryan Jensen from Miami.

“It’s a low-risk dart throw,” said the source. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed for anyone who’s covering it. I expect those freaks at The Athletic to devote 5,000 words to it. The Strib will put it above the fold, unless one of the Vikings gets a DUI while driving a school bus. Dance, piggies, dance. Here’s your slop! Eat! Eat!”

The source says the team is relishing the challenge to make even more marginal moves, just to see how much coverage they can get.

“Three main goals this offseason: cut payroll, make smart trades, and get you goobers to listen to every minute of a two-hour podcast about what A.J. Alexy brings to the table,” said the source. “If we can find a guy who’s playing beer-league ball in Modesto, rest assured, we will sign him and watch you weirdos go nuts.”

Twins media sources were, by and large, reluctant to comment on the situation on the record, but most begrudgingly admitted that they have little choice but to obsessively cover the most minor transactions while other teams take big swings.

“It is what it is,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller.

“I was on Jeopardy,” added MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park.

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[adjacent]

The worst: we the fans read it all. Twice

[Reptevia]

“Dance, piggies, dance. Here’s your slop! Eat! Eat!”. Hahaha!

[The_Phantom]

This is the closest to funny that any of these "parody" sketches have been. But, if you ever take an acting class one of the first things you learn is that Spoof acting/parody/physical humor is only funny if your character doesn't know they're in a spoof. Once the actor starts knowing theyre in a spoof, it just turns into cringe. But if you are committed and your character is just saying ridiculous things or doing silly stuff that seems totally normal to your character that's what makes it funny. 

 

All that to say, this would have been so much funnier without all the "you goobers" and "you weirdos" and "you sickos" and "you freaks". Way, way too heavy handed. It would have been far funnier if it led with the "The source says the team is relishing the challenge to make even more marginal moves, just to see how much coverage they can get." and then all the "quotes" from the team reps played it somewhat seriously, not name calling, name calling, name calling, name calling, name calling, name calling. Subtlety goes a long way, even in parody

[Rod Carews Birthday]

Very funny!   If this isn’t a thing for the Twins front office, it probably should be!  

[chpettit19]

“I was on Jeopardy,” added MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park.

Haha, that's a great ending line.

[John Bonnes]

This one hits a little close to home. 😆😁

[Jon Marthaler]

I love you very much, Stu.

[CRF]

They have a totally separate personnel department that only looks for obscure players. They get bonuses if they find one that's injured and won't be available until mid way into the upcoming season. 

[Jocko87]

Derek, I'm available.  This new stretching program is loosening the back right up.

[ashbury]

9 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

“I was on Jeopardy,” added MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park.

"So was I."

[Parfigliano]

Beer league in Modesto?  V Pierre League...who ya got?

[sweetmusicviola16]

Gabe has done so much with so little. 

[sampleSizeOfOne]

But i thought our philosophy had shifted to embracing striking out?

Confused...

[sweetmusicviola16]

Max Kranick has been DFA'd today by Pit. I would like to see the Twins pickup Max. That way we would be loaded to the Max and if and when we traded Max we would still have  Max.

[Heiny]

Just wondering, do the Twins pay this "Stu guy" to write all this stupid stuff?  I mean, to maybe deflect from the low rent district of front office dealings?  Or maybe to deflect from the lack of dealings of meaningful consequence.  Humor is often used to deflect from a more serious subject that is being ignored.  But, I usually like my humor to be funny.  Take my wife!!!!!!!