Miguel Sanó Returns: Twins Add Former Slugger to Make Everyone Else Look More Disciplined

[Cody Christie]

Image courtesy of Nick Wosika--Imagn Images

In an unexpected turn of events or perhaps a deeply expected one, if you’ve followed this team’s patterns, the Minnesota Twins have reportedly added former slugger Miguel Sanó back to the roster. Not for power. Not for production. But for the psychological well-being of the rest of the lineup.

“We needed a guy who could strike out in a way that makes Carlos Correa look like Tony Gwynn,” said one unnamed front office official while nervously adjusting his WAR spreadsheets. “Sanó just has that gift. Watching him flail at three consecutive breaking balls really puts things into perspective for everyone else.”

The move comes as the Twins’ offense continues to struggle to put up crooked numbers, unless you're looking at strikeouts, in which case they’ve become calligraphic artists.

A “Strikeout Sink” Strategy
Correa, who currently leads the team in hitting into soul-crushing double plays, welcomed Sanó’s return with cautious optimism.

“Honestly, having Miguel back out there is huge for me,” said Correa. “Now when I ground into a double play, people will be like, ‘Well at least he hit the ball.’ It’s all about relativity. The man’s a walking empathy generator.”

Manager Rocco Baldelli, in between managing bullpen usage like it's a chess match with a time bomb, said the team is leaning into what he called the “Three True Outcomes” lifestyle (walks, home runs, and strikeouts) though the emphasis is heavily weighted toward just one of them.

“We’re basically ignoring two-thirds of it,” he said. “We’re going all-in on strikeouts. If you can’t stop the bleeding, sometimes it’s best to just open the floodgates and call it therapy.”

Sanó: “Each K is a Statement”
In a post-workout press conference that mostly involved him hitting balls off a tee into the back of the batting cage at 117 mph, Sanó offered his thoughts.

“Every strikeout is a statement piece,” Sanó declared, holding up a bat labeled 'FIP THIS' in Sharpie. “Analytics said I had to change. I say no. I will strike out 200 times to prove the system is flawed. Art is pain. Baseball is suffering.”

He then struck out against the pitching machine, which wasn’t even turned on yet.

Front Office Blinded By Exit Velocity (Again)
Asked what convinced them to bring Sanó back, a member of the Twins analytics department responded without blinking: “Have you seen the exit velocity? It’s like watching Thor swing a tree at a meteor. Sure, it only happens once a week, but when it does, wow.”

“Exit velo is the new batting average,” they added, before walking into a wall while staring at a Blast Motion chart.

Fanbase Already Disappointed — In Advance
Season ticket holders have been quick to voice their concern, but mostly in that resigned, passive-aggressive Midwestern way that’s uniquely Minnesotan.

“I already lowered my expectations this year, but this move made me realize they weren’t low enough,” said Dan Gustafson of Chaska. “It’s like rewatching a bad sequel because you forgot how much you hated it. Miguel’s back, and so is my ulcer.”

Still, others are cautiously hoping for a fairy tale ending, or at least a mildly interesting Twitter clip.

“If he can just connect on one ball and break a Statcast record, I’ll take it,” said Jenny Lee from Eagan. “Even if we lose 9–1. Just give me that one GIF to believe in.”

With Sanó back in the fold, the Twins may not be better, but they’re certainly something. Sometimes you don't need production, just the illusion of chaos to make everyone else look stable. And if that illusion strikes out 3.2 times per game? Well, at least he’s consistent.

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[ryanking61]

That headline almost made me fall out of my chair 😂

[Cory Engelhardt]

I do appreciate having the follow-up description confirming that it is satire. Oof, I was drinking coffee when I saw the headline. NOT ready for that.

[Exiled in Illinois]

Too soon, too soon...

[The Great Hambino]

Remember when they randomly made him their opening day right fielder that one year even though he had never set foot in the outfield as a professional ballplayer?  That was fun.  Can't believe it didn't work out

[LewFordLives]

Where is he now?  Is he playing anywhere?

He had those few years where he just raked the ball, and then fell off a cliff. I always wondered what happened. He wasn't even that old yet. He should've had at least a couple more years of his prime.

[gil4]

 

Where is he now?  Is he playing anywhere?

He had those few years where he just raked the ball, and then fell off a cliff. I always wondered what happened. He wasn't even that old yet. He should've had at least a couple more years of his prime.

He just turned 32 a couple of days ago.  He could still have a couple of years of his prime left.😎  (I shouldn't give management any ideas.) 

He's a big guy and had some leg injuries.  

[CRF]

The sad and sick thing is...I can see Falvey doing this. 

[chinmusic]

I wonder how Sano would fare against Joey Gallo, supposedly working on reinventing himself as a pitcher. Interesting matchup🙂

[Richie the Rally Goat]

 

I do appreciate having the follow-up description confirming that it is satire. Oof, I was drinking coffee when I saw the headline. NOT ready for that.

That is some serious sinus burn!

[Richie the Rally Goat]

With the ad, I almost missed this gem:

”He then struck out against the pitching machine, which wasn’t even turned on yet.”

So funny

[big dog]

This seems unnecessarily mean-spirited.

[Ex-Iowegian]

Seems legit.

[Bodie]

 

I wonder how Sano would fare against Joey Gallo, supposedly working on reinventing himself as a pitcher. Interesting matchup🙂

Sano has the edge, just a huge arm.

My wish is to see Sano throwin... pitching at Joey Whose Name We Shall Not Be Named. 

Velo > control = HBP (And repeat because that ain't 3 true outcomes)

[arby58]

I appreciated the humor, but the mindset that the Twins are a team that strikes out more than other teams is so 2023. Last year, the Twins had the 9th fewest Ks of the 30 MLB teams. This year, they are tied for 11th fewest. 

[twinzcynic]

 

Remember when they randomly made him their opening day right fielder that one year even though he had never set foot in the outfield as a professional ballplayer?  That was fun.  Can't believe it didn't work out

I think that was the beginning of the end for him I'm afraid

[BrokenCompass]

Sano ranks 12th all time in home runs for the Twins, right behind Tom Brunansky and right ahead of Max Kepler. He finished 3rd in Rookie of the Year voting in 2015 and was an All-Star in 2017. 

Sano never made a ton of money, or signed a contract that affected the Twins' plans or the roster alignment. He made some errors at 3rd base but also made some dazzling plays as well that for some reason aren't talked about. The guy hit some huge home runs, including this legendary grand slam in Cleveland to ice the division in 2019. 

He was never called a bad teammate or a problem in the clubhouse. By all accounts he was trying his best, even during his struggles. 

To see Miguel Sano being made fun of in this manner? It kinda misses the mark for me. I know some people enjoy making fun of ballplayers for various reasons, but I never understood the hate for Sano.

The guy was a real star for this franchise for a couple years.