Least-Liked Intern Given Josh Staumont Hype Video Task

[RandBalls Stu]

“Gabe has really grown into his role with the club. He is also the only person working this week.”

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Csaba Balazs

The first Minnesota Twins free agent signing of the offseason was not quite the spectacle that Shohei Ohtani’s was. Or Carlos Correa’s. Or, well, name a baseball player.

Still, given the team’s inactivity and self-enforced payroll caution, any signing is newsworthy. Which means the team needs a hype video about new reliever Josh Staumont to post on social media. Which means even a real drag like 21-year-old intern Gabe Westergaard becomes useful.

“Like a lot of people, our PR employees take the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, or are on call in case something big happens,” said one front office source. “Signing a 30-year-old reliever coming off major surgery--whom the Royals didn’t even want, for less than seven figures--is what it is, but it’s not going to lead SportsCenter. That’s where even an absolute chud like Gabe comes in handy.”

Westergaard, a junior at St. Thomas, has struggled adapting to his role, per multiple sources.

“Spilled coffee on his new laptop on the first day, and it went downhill from there,” said a source familiar with the team’s thinking. “Keeps calling (Twins President) Dave St. Peter ‘Davey boy.’ Only drinks protein shakes, which makes him noticeably gassy in close quarters.

“We had an employee happy hour at The Loon right before the holidays and he kept ordering these drinks called ‘trash cans.’ Threw up all over Dick Bremer, said ‘Sorry broski, puke and rally, am I right’ and kept pounding them before we put him in an Uber.”

(Bremer was unavailable to confirm or deny the incident, but his son Erik said that his father’s time at SCSU would make such an event unremarkable.)

Despite these missteps (and, equally, because of them), Westergaard has been charged with creating the promotional footage and media assets for the newest Twin.

“Gabe has really grown into his role with the club,” said another front office source. “He is also the only person working this week.”

With the introductory press conference set for Saturday, Westergaard is expected to deliver the finished product by EOD Friday. Sources say the creative process has been “challenging” so far.

“He asked (Twins Vice President of Communications) Dustin Morse how much he should reference the situation in Gaza,” said a source in the team’s analytics department. “That was a very short conversation. Also, whatever a ‘Skibidi Toilet’ is, it’s apparently part of the TikTok rollout.”

When reached for comment, Westergaard would only say that the content would be “gas.”

Image license here.

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[Cory Engelhardt]

10/10, perfect. 

[Ex-Iowegian]

“son Erik said that his father’s time at SCSU would make such an event unremarkable”
 

It’s this kind of content that keeps us coming back.

Carry on.

[mikelink45]

This essay really captures the excitement in Twins land with a real FA signing.  Soon we will be praising the FO for patience and the fact that they were the only ones to see this future Joe Nathan.  Genius is hard for us commoners to appreciate.

Now we know the one big thing that will fix the Twins - A TD essay that anticipated this move.  

Where do I get the jersey?

[silverslugger]

Does Gabe create resume's?  Asking for a friend.

[BobAzar]

As a UST alum (I have a love-hate relationship with the school), nailed it. 

[sweetmusicviola16]

I for one appreciate having a face attached to the guy blowing smoke up our ass's.

Now lets get Gabe started on his Josh Staumont for Cy Young campaign. It's never too early to get this rolling.

[ashbury]

Thank you for referencing SkiUMah Toilet. I just wasted ten minutes viewing a selection of those TikTube videos.

[Dave The Dastardly]

Gabe lined up a surgeon for Staumont's "Meet the Press" event who for the price of a rookie's annual salary was going to assure Twins fans the pitcher could still throw a baseball but in a hot mike faux pas the doc told Gabe the pitcher was "toast". So Gabe scratched the doc and decided to go with a breakfast cereal huckster instead. The kid can think on his feet.

[Brandon]

But Rand ball Stu, that was the Twins third transaction in a week after your last article "How You Can Spur the Twins Into Action".  Your last article is responsible for this signing.  The Twins are rushing out to make their fans happy with transactions.

 

[Richie the Rally Goat]

11 hours ago, BobAzar said:

As a UST alum (I have a love-hate relationship with the school), nailed it. 

As an SCSU alum, I have a love-hate relationship with it too

[sampleSizeOfOne]

11 hours ago, ashbury said:

Thank you for referencing SkiUMah Toilet. I just wasted ten minutes viewing a selection of those TikTube videos.

Go for 20!

 

(i'm too lazy to do my fair share. I'll owe ya one later)

[miracleb]

Didn't bother to read the article....but had to give props to the headline!   :)