Least-Liked Intern Given Josh Staumont Hype Video Task

The first Minnesota Twins free agent signing of the offseason was not quite the spectacle that Shohei Ohtani’s was. Or Carlos Correa’s. Or, well, name a baseball player.

Still, given the team’s inactivity and self-enforced payroll caution, any signing is newsworthy. Which means the team needs a hype video about new reliever Josh Staumont to post on social media. Which means even a real drag like 21-year-old intern Gabe Westergaard becomes useful.

“Like a lot of people, our PR employees take the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, or are on call in case something big happens,” said one front office source. “Signing a 30-year-old reliever coming off major surgery--whom the Royals didn’t even want, for less than seven figures--is what it is, but it’s not going to lead SportsCenter. That’s where even an absolute chud like Gabe comes in handy.”

Westergaard, a junior at St. Thomas, has struggled adapting to his role, per multiple sources.

“Spilled coffee on his new laptop on the first day, and it went downhill from there,” said a source familiar with the team’s thinking. “Keeps calling (Twins President) Dave St. Peter ‘Davey boy.’ Only drinks protein shakes, which makes him noticeably gassy in close quarters.

“We had an employee happy hour at The Loon right before the holidays and he kept ordering these drinks called ‘trash cans.’ Threw up all over Dick Bremer, said ‘Sorry broski, puke and rally, am I right’ and kept pounding them before we put him in an Uber.”

(Bremer was unavailable to confirm or deny the incident, but his son Erik said that his father’s time at SCSU would make such an event unremarkable.)

Despite these missteps (and, equally, because of them), Westergaard has been charged with creating the promotional footage and media assets for the newest Twin.

“Gabe has really grown into his role with the club,” said another front office source. “He is also the only person working this week.”

With the introductory press conference set for Saturday, Westergaard is expected to deliver the finished product by EOD Friday. Sources say the creative process has been “challenging” so far.

“He asked (Twins Vice President of Communications) Dustin Morse how much he should reference the situation in Gaza,” said a source in the team’s analytics department. “That was a very short conversation. Also, whatever a ‘Skibidi Toilet’ is, it’s apparently part of the TikTok rollout.”

When reached for comment, Westergaard would only say that the content would be “gas.”

Image license here.