Twins Announce Best Efforts and Pile of Spreadsheets as Opening Day Shortstop

[RandBalls Stu]

“Good intentions and due financial diligence are a killer combo anywhere in the lineup.”

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Kelly Sikkema

Carlos Correa’s departure for San Francisco leaves the Minnesota Twins with a gaping hole at shortstop. While rumored to be interested in free agent Dansby Swanson, the team announced a different plan on Thursday.

“We made our best efforts to keep Carlos in Minnesota,” said Twins GM Derek Falvey. “Sometimes, that’s all you can do. And we’re taking that lesson to heart. Best Efforts will be our shortstop in 2023.”

The concept of trying your best and failing to reach your objective is nothing new in baseball or American sport. However, no one has attempted to use an intangible state of being as a position player. Not even the Orioles.

“We’ve got some spreadsheets, some pivot tables, and one of those green visors that crooked bankers wore during the Great Depression,” said Falvey. “Proof of our good-faith attempts at bringing a championship to Target Field will be available for all to see at one of the game’s premium positions. Good intentions and due financial diligence are a killer combo anywhere in the lineup.”

That quote was part of a rambling, handwritten press release on official Minnesota Twins letterhead. MINNESOTA MAKES CARLOS CORREA TWIN FOR LIFE is visible under hastily applied liquid paper. Stains from coffee and human tears are also visible on the paragraph where Falvey notes that the team, which finished 78-84 in a disappointing 2022 season, would be giving We Tried a shot in the bullpen.

“We have a lot of young arm talent that we’ll be looking at in Fort Myers,” said Falvey. “We Tried will be part of that mix, along with Part Of The Conversation and On The Shortlist.”

The statement does not mention what, if any, plans there are for Blockbuster Trade That Fizzled and Punching Above Their Weight But Ultimately Falling Just Short.  

Image license here.

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[mikelink45]

The latest rumor is that Falvey and Lavine are going to split time at SS.  Who needs to sign a player when so much talent is in the FO?

[Reptevia]

Another good one Stu. 

[QuinnSwanny]

Um, I’m a little lost lmao.

[BobAzar]

Well, at least they didnt go with Abbott and Costello's suggestion of I Dont Give A Damn.,,

[MarcF]

On the plus side, there will be plenty of empty seats at Target Field next year, great deals online for less than $10 to attend, and parking will be wide open. And then I'll be able to sit anywhere I want. 

[CRF]

I hear Greg Gagne is available.

[VivaBomboRivera!]

Tough crowd...

 

[Yoke]

Yeah, but like, zero throwing errors from the shortstop position. 

[Dave The Dastardly]

Hey, Falvey -

I played shortstop when I was a kid and I can read spreadsheets. Hell, I even used to design data bases. I'm a little slower now (physically, though my wife claims it's all in my head) but tell you what... I'll fill that hole at short for, oh, say $5 million and my own bobblehead. But you gotta get me a Rocco Rest Day every other game, you know, so me and Buck can talk baseball on the bench. I bet there's a lot I can learn from him, even if I am in my 70's. You know what they say about old dogs... uh, slipped my mind, but I think it was something about water and drinking... which I also know how to do.

[sorney]

Gaping Hole!!!  Great band name!!

[DJL44]

I don't know if a pile of spreadsheets is going to be much help 10 years from now. I hope they didn't hand out a long-term contract.

[USAFChief]

"We have a lot of young arm talent that we’ll be looking at in Fort Myers,” said Falvey. “We Tried will be part of that mix, along with Part Of The Conversation and On The Shortlist"

 

I think "In On" will be up and dominating by the All Star Break.

[Hosken Bombo Disco]

So our shortstop will be a concept called Best Efforts. 

Can I just shorten it to ‘E’ in the scorebook when a ground ball is hit there? 

[ashbury]

You forgot Fishing in the Ocean. 

Also, the courtesy shopping trip to Dior where you depart empty-handed and shaking your head at the idiocy of Other People