Jump to content
Bailey Ober takes the bump as the Twins try to halt the losing streak. Come join the discussion! ×
Twins Daily
  • Create Account

Game Thread Twins@Mariners 6/7/17 9:10PM

Dave The Dastardly

Recommended Posts

Dave The Dastardly Cedar Rapids Kernels

Dave The Dastardly

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

post-8959-0-93792200-1496846553.jpeg

 

 

On The Cutting Edge.

 

Anybody remember the original “The Cutting Edge” movie? D.B. Sweeney, Moira Kelly, Roy Dotrice? I guess it’s probably considered a chick flick, but its got enough good laughs in it that a guy can sit through it without wanting to slash his wrists. And if you snuggle up to your wife during the entire movie, maybe make the popcorn, she just might feel like doing something other than slicing onions (sticking with our “cutting” theme) when it’s all over.

 

Anyway, in the movie the father of this female figure-skater is looking for a “go-to-guy” to help his daughter win Olympic gold. Sweeney, playing the part of an ex-hockey player turned figure skater, tries to prove he’s the guy. Like I said, decent movie, and unlike a lot of chick flicks, watching it won’t be like that Chinese thing; Death by A Thousand Cuts.

 


Speaking of dying from a thousand cuts, that’s kind of like being Twins fan. Last night’s debacle was a good example. There’s a reason drugstores won’t sell Twins fans razor blades.

 

Death By A Thousand Cuts however was not invented by long-suffering Minnesotans. It’s a Chinese thing. They invented it along with gunpowder. You know, so they could shoot people trying to steal all the rice at the supermarket. The problem is getting shot is like a one time, uh, shot. That means it’s too easy a death for a guy who steals all the rice right before you sit down to orange chicken and fortune cookies. So the Yellow Horde came up with this "Death by a Thousand Cuts” thing. You know, to make sure you suffer longer. Like sports fans in Minnesota.

 

But I’ve often wondered about that thousand cuts thing. I mean counting to one thousand is like a lot of counting. And if you’re doing something while you’re counting... well, a guy could get distracted and lose count. Couldn’t you? So I gotta wonder, who’s responsible for keeping count? The cutter or the cuttee? Do they use one of those wristwatch type things like you use to keep track of your golf strokes? Not that my golf strokes have ever gone as high as a thousand, though they have flirted with triple digits, but you know the Chinese are pretty inventive when it comes to cheap gadgets. I could see them coming up with a cut counter... maybe something with a blood red wristband...

 


And what happens if whomever (is there a Chinese word for “whomever”? I mean it’s tough enough to say that in American) is responsible for keeping count loses track? Do they start over? Or do the cutter and cuttee compare notes and come up with a compromise figure?

 


And what if the cuttee goes to that Big Bamboo Hut In The Sky on say, Cut Number 879? Does the cutter guy keep hacking away until he hits the required 1,000 cuts in or does he wash his hands (think about that one) and throw in the towel? Is there a penalty clause in the cutter’s contract if the cuttee expires before taking the required one thousand cuts? Does failure to inflict a thousand cuts go on the cutter’s permanent record? A prospective client would want to know that, wouldn’t he? I mean who’s going to hire a Death of a Thousand Cuts guy if he can’t get his cuts in?

 


And you gotta wonder, since we’re talking about a Chinese thing here, is there a Chinese knock-off for a discounted Death of A Thousand Cuts listed on Amazon? You order it and a midget shows up with a pocket knife?

 

So what’s all this got to do with the Twins? Two things, who on the Twins’ pitching staff is their go-to-guy and secondly, who is there in the Twins line-up that we know is always going to get his cuts in? When we for sure know the answers to those two questions will the Twins then be on the cutting edge? And at that point do long-suffering Twins fans get a carton of band-aids? You know, for those thousand cuts...

 


Lesson #149 From the Dastard’s Book of the Painfully Obvious

 

Man who does a thousand favors for his wife never has a dull sword.

  • Replies 189
  • Created
  • Last Reply
sampleSizeOfOne MVP

sampleSizeOfOne

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Game thread of a thousand posts... not quite as many as Arabian Nights, but i think we can pull it off.

 

Alas i don't know anything about the above mode of death, nor the details of its execution. I vaguely have the impression that paper (also from that area originally) was somehow involved. And lemon juice, maybe?.

 

I kinda imagine if the actual number is important, and it is not just a rough estimate, that they perhaps do it fund raising style, with a grand display stating the current cut level and the target goal. Not that i wish to give NPR any ideas...

Craig Arko Minnesota Twins

Craig Arko

Old-Timey Member
Posted
Posted

Careful...

Ya might end up getting press ganged... which is kinda like a draft of a different sort, i guess.

I've had that happen to player characters.

Dave The Dastardly Cedar Rapids Kernels

Dave The Dastardly

Verified Member
Posted
  • Author
Posted

Just got in after enjoying a beautiful Minnesota day outside here in our little valley. First thing I did was check to see if tonight's lineups have been posted. Here you go.

 

Twins

Dozier 2B

Mauer 1B

Sano, 3B

Kepler RF

Grossman DH

Castro C

Buxton CF

Rosario LF

Adrianza SS

Mejia, P

 

Mariners

Heredia CF

Smith SS

Cano 2B

Valencia, 1B

Seager 3B

Motter, LF

Gamel, RF

Zunino C

Ruiz DH

Gallardo P

jimbo92107 Cedar Rapids Kernels

jimbo92107

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Speaking of death by a thousand cuts, here's my Emo-style baseball joke:

 

I was rummaging through some old boxes when I found a dusty pack of baseball cards. Inside I found a really old wrapper, so I opened it up and pulled out a stick of gum. Man, it was crunchy, dry and tasteless, just terrible! I threw that thing right in the trash. Honus Wagner, your gum sucks!

yarnivek1972 Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

yarnivek1972

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

idk, I guess I don't mind Grossman breaking up Kepler and Castro as far as late inning pitching changes are concerned. But I guess I think Grossman should be hitting ahead of Sano. It would be ideal, of course, for Dozier to be hitting in that 5 hole. Not trying to be overly critical, just an observation. If Dozier THINKS he is a better hitter in the lead off spot, he probably is.

Blake All-Star

Blake

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

If the Twins pitch like they did last night, there isn't a lineup in the world that can save them.

David HK Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

David HK

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

Speaking of death by a thousand cuts, here's my Emo-style baseball joke:

 

I was rummaging through some old boxes when I found a dusty pack of baseball cards. Inside I found a really old wrapper, so I opened it up and pulled out a stick of gum. Man, it was crunchy, dry and tasteless, just terrible! I threw that thing right in the trash. Honus Wagner, your gum sucks!

Crunchy, dry, and tasteless?  That means it's just like it was when those cards were new!  

 

That gum always sucked.  So did the fact that you'd always get a Jerry Lumpe, never a Killebrew.

jimbo92107 Cedar Rapids Kernels

jimbo92107

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

Crunchy, dry, and tasteless?  That means it's just like it was when those cards were new!  

 

That gum always sucked.  So did the fact that you'd always get a Jerry Lumpe, never a Killebrew.

So right brother Dave, and to be truthful, the Ruth and Gehrig gums were no better. In the trash with all of 'em! 

amjgt FCL Twins

amjgt

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Pitcher's-type ballpark.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drink.

I thought for sure we were getting a "propensity," in the first inning, when Dick was talking about the Twins taking walks

Darius First Round Pick

Darius

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

If they can't win this game tonight, it would be really discouraging. The lineup and pitcher the Mariners are running should almost never beat anyone.

Riverbrian Cooperstown

Riverbrian

Old-Timey Member
Posted
Posted

 

Crunchy, dry, and tasteless?  That means it's just like it was when those cards were new!  

 

That gum always sucked.  So did the fact that you'd always get a Jerry Lumpe, never a Killebrew.

 

When I was 12

 

This guy was in every pack. 

Jerry-Royster.jpg?id=68d77539-3b31-494b-

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
The Twins Daily Caretaker Fund
The Twins Daily Caretaker Fund

You all care about this site. The next step is caring for it. We’re asking you to caretake this site so it can remain the premier Twins community on the internet.

Become a Caretaker

  • Member Statistics

    20,446
    Total Members
    48,845
    Most Online
    krink
    Newest Member
    krink
    Joined
×
×
  • Create New...