Game Thread Twins vs. White Sox, 6/22 @ 12:10pm

[Dave The Dastardly]

 

I Have Heartburn So Bad It's Coming Out Of My Ears

 

 

An enterprising scientist with time on his hands decided to explore the differences in verbosity between the human male and female. I’m not sure what his motivation was behind this new research project but I suspect he was Buxton-like when it came to picking up women; he struck out a lot.

 

Regardless of his motivation, our word-counting scientist discovered the average female utters approximately 80,000 words a day while the average male gets by with around 14,000 words per day, approximately 25% of which are expletives (you ever wonder why Webster came up with a 10-letter word to define 4-letter words?).

 

The fact that women move their lips more often than men is something any married guy could have verified with a sigh and a nod of the head. A married woman on the other hand would probably still be explaining the difference.

 

Now don’t be getting the idea that I’m a misogynist because I’m not. Some of my best friends in the past, if even only for a night or two, have been women. No, I broach the subject merely because I’m a data guy and data guys go by the numbers, mostly because they’re incapable of abstract thinking, disregarding artificial stimulants of course, and with myself being a notable exception.

 

Besides, I know from years of experience that women require all those extra words to issue orders to their men as well as to remind them to do important stuff like take out the garbage and change their undies whereas men only need to nod dumbly when given their instructions. Show me a happily married man and I’ll show you a guy who excels at nodding dumbly.

 

But I have to admit there are times when I really enjoy listening to the Little Woman (she's 4' 10 1/2") prattle on about something I hold in complete indifference. It’s a soothing, relaxing sound... sort of like the background music in the dentist’s office.

 

Why just this morning over coffee I got a fifteen-minute dissertation on the difficulty of French braiding. Probably a thousand words worth. I got in a grunt or two. Personally, I had no idea the French were into ropes. I thought the Chinese made everything for Americans.

 

Except of course baseball. Well okay, maybe the Chinese make American baseballs. Probably why they use that cheap fake stuff for the cover now instead of genuine horsehide like they did back in the Good Ol’ Days. Speaking of horsehides, anybody remember the old cowboy movies where all the good guy had to do to summon his faithful steed was whistle? No “Here Boy! Here Boy! Sit! Ungawa simba!” Sorry, went a little Tarzan there. Tarzan rode elephants, not horses. Maybe because all the horses in Africa had been slaughtered to make baseballs.

 

Anyway Gene Autry, Roy Rogers and the boys just let out an eardrum-piercing whistle that their nag could hear from a mile away while it’s head was stuck in belly-deep grass, or stomping rattlesnakes to death or nodding dumbly at what the mares were telling them. No words needed.

 

In an interesting side note (that’s a pun), eardrum-piercing whistles don’t work well for summoning women. Especially in a shopping mall. You can try it if you want, but take my word for it, shrill whistles tend to summon security guards, not wives. And if so summoned you’ll exhaust your 14,000 daily allotment of words trying to explain what it was you were trying to do. Oh, and the security cops won’t accept “conducting cultural research” for an explanation either. Damn philistines!

 

But think about this, if a guy has only a 14,000 word limit on his daily word-o-meter he’s not going to use ‘em up calling for a horse, or asking strangers in the mall if they’ve seen his wife. Being wise to the extreme, your basic male knows he needs to conserve verbiage. Deviously enough, that brings me to the point of this undertaking; this restrictive 14,000 word limit is why men invented baseball signs.

 

Baseball games you see are usually played in late afternoons and evenings. Which means the players have fairly well exhausted their daily word quota by then. And if they do have any words left in the bank they quickly use them up with baseball chants; “Hum batter batter batter! Chuck it in their big fella! He can’t hit, he can’t hit! No worries here!” Chanting obviously sucks up a lot of words so usually by the third inning the players are out of ammo. But rather than stand around like deaf mutes, they start flashing signs at each other.

 

Now to be clear, grabbing your cup and shaking it isn’t an attempt to communicate. So that’s not a sign. Well it could be a sign of runaway jock itch, but not a sign of communication. Unless you’re Italian.

 

Neither is picking your nose. Something Frankie Viola discovered during a nationally televised game. However touching the tip of your nose, without insertion past the first joint, is an acceptable signal. So’s elaborately clapping your hands, crossing your heart and hope to die, pulling your ear (again avoiding insertion) as well as touching your cap or rubbing the thigh of your pants. The latter is also useful for dislodging boogers and ear wax should you have inadvertently violated the “first joint” rule.

 

Flipping the bird is a sign but since it’s use is not strictly limited to baseball we won’t count it here. Unless of course you are communicating with your opponents.

 

Rolling the eyeballs and/or lifting a skeptical eyebrow are useful signs for communicating with your wife, but not so much for fellow baseball players, who are usually at greater distances and therefore can’t detect subtle eyeball rolling. Especially if you’re wearing the proverbial sunglasses.

 

Sticking your tongue out is another no-no, both for wifely communication and for communicating with baseball players. Unless of course you cover your mouth with your glove. But since men don’t usually wear a baseball glove around the house you should avoid using that particular sign for communicating with your wife unless you’re willing to endure a severe tongue-lashing (little play on words there).

 

Out of necessity baseball signage has evolved into its own unique and secretive language with some signs defying explanation to the uninitiated. And sometimes for the initiated as well. Like Twins baserunners. I have therefore provided a link to a master baseball signor for your elucidation. After viewing you will want to keep an eye on the perpetually vilified White Sox during today’s game if for no other reason than to learn how they keep their sox white.

 

I’m sure they won’t talk about it.

 

Turley the Terrible (0-1 ERA 12.46) takes on the Quintessential Quintana (3-8 ERA 5.07) today, outdoor baseball permitting. Look for a close one, probably something on the order of 35-23. Twins favor of course.

 

 

[diehardtwinsfan]

Posts like this make me thankful that my wife is a fairly quiet individual

 

Here's to hoping that Turley shows us what it was that got him the call up in the first place.

[Circus Boy]

Fell asleep on the couch in the 4th inning last night, so thankful the Twins didn't need my participation in their quite satisfying win. In any event, I'd run out of words.

[wsnydes]

If the written verbiage wasn't enough for me to like this, the Mr. Burns video secured the "like".  Well done.

 

My wife is shy in public, but will talk my ear off when we're home alone.  It also never fails that when we're driving somewhere in a silence only a married couple will be comfortable in that when a song comes on the radio that I really like, that is when she decides that words need to be said.  We could be sitting there silently for 15 minutes.  The second Stairway comes on the radio, "Do you know what Alice did at work the other day..."

 

Just one of those quirks that makes you chuckle to yourself and say, "Yup, this is the woman I married."

[steve]

Tuesday my wife says, "It's so beautiful, why are we just sitting here, we should go to a baseball game."

"Sure thing Honey, I'll go buy tickets right now. How does Thursday sound?"

Any chance this one will be played today?

[ashbury]

We could be sitting there silently for 15 minutes.  The second Stairway comes on the radio, "Do you know what Alice did at work the other day..."

Maybe Alice is buying a stairway to the 3rd floor or something, and the song reminded her.

[Vanimal46]

Another huge difference in verbiage between sexes: Details. 

 

We were catching up with a few friends on our recent trip to Cancun.... 

 

My version: "It was great! Lots of drinking, pool time, great wedding, and phenominal weather."

Miss Vanimal's version: "Let me start from the beginning at the airport. I was wearing this and we went to the airport bar where I met a person who does this! Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc." For 10 minutes. 

 

Women. Can't live with them, can't live without them. 

[woolywoolhouse]

 

 

Any chance this one will be played today?

 

Maybe if they push the start time back to 2-2:30pm. It's a get-away day for both teams... Twins are only going to Cleveland, and White Sox are going home, so that's doable.

[wsnydes]

 

Tuesday my wife says, "It's so beautiful, why are we just sitting here, we should go to a baseball game."

"Sure thing Honey, I'll go buy tickets right now. How does Thursday sound?"

Any chance this one will be played today?

Maybe, but it won't start on time if they do get it in.

[steve]

For what it's worth, both teams have an open date Monday, August 28.

[twinsnorth49]

 

Another huge difference in verbiage between sexes: Details. 

 

We were catching up with a few friends on our recent trip to Cancun.... 

 

My version: "It was great! Lots of drinking, pool time, great wedding, and phenominal weather."

Miss Vanimal's version: "Let me start from the beginning at the airport. I was wearing this and we went to the airport bar where I met a person who does this! Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc." For 10 minutes. 

 

Women. Can't live with them, can't live without them. 

Details indeed.

[Vanimal46]

 

Details indeed.

 

This is why I need her to proofread my posts! 

[wsnydes]

 

This is why I need her to proofread my posts! 

I'm not sure that you realize the magnitude of what you just said.  So you are giving her permission and opportunity to tell you that you're wrong?  Do you realize what you've just said?!

[twinsnorth49]

 

I'm not sure that you realize the magnitude of what you just said.  So you are giving her permission and opportunity to tell you that you're wrong?  Do you realize what you've just said?!

Isn't that already the assumption anyway?

[steve]

Mace Michaels speaks:

 

I would highly doubt a cancellation unless a lot of rain develops to our west, which doesn't look likely based on models

 

 

I would expect a delay. We have a lot of light rain to get through but it's weakening

 

 

[wsnydes]

 

Isn't that already the assumption anyway?

Well, just because it's going to happen anyway doesn't mean that you should just hand the opportunity to her on a silver platter.  One's dignity must be preserved!

[wsnydes]

 

That's nothing new! I'm already wrong at least 25 times a day. 

I want to like this comment because I know exactly what he's saying, but my mouse appears to be rebelling against the notion on my behalf.

[Blake]

The great thing about chatter is that if the chatter stops, you know somethings wrong. 

[wsnydes]

 

The great thing about chatter is that if the chatter stops, you know somethings wrong. 

The piercing stare is another key piece of evidence.

[Oldgoat_MN]

80,000 to 14,000, hmm?
Nearly every man I have ever met is a big fan of women. A great many women I’ve spoken to have talked about a guy or two who talks too much.
Maybe this 80,000 to 14,000 differential is about right.

Or maybe the differential should be a little higher. Especially since (from personal experience) a lot of what I say is apparently wrong.

[Blake]

I would be surprised if I even speak 10,000 words a day. Of course, since I have a voice made for mime and a face made for radio....(H/T the late Ron Luciano)

[Blake]

I prefer the Calvin Coolidge method: "I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say."

 

And then there's also this Coolidge truism: "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it."

[wsnydes]

 

I would be surprised if I even speak 10,000 words a day. Of course, since I have a voice made for mime and a face made for radio....

When I was in high school, I worked at a fast food restaurant.  One day, I was working the drive-thru when a customer rolled up to the window and said that I should pursue a career in radio.  Witty, stupid teenage wsnydes quickly responds, "Are you saying that I'm ugly?"  The guy chuckles a bit and points to the decal on his car door.  He was a DJ of a local radio station heading to a promotional gig somewhere in town.  We had a good laugh about it but that was not one of my finer moments in life.

[twinsnorth49]

 

Well, just because it's going to happen anyway doesn't mean that you should just hand the opportunity to her on a silver platter.  One's dignity must be preserved!

[twinsnorth49]

 

I prefer the Calvin Coolidge method: "I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say."

 

And then there's also this Coolidge truism: "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it."

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt."

 

Abe Lincoln or Mark Twain......can't remember.

[Hosken Bombo Disco]

The stereotypes are turned around here at Hosken House. There's no quiet moment that can't be filled with a few choice words, or failing that, a bodily noise of some sort.

 

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a rain cloud over the stadium that needs a good talkin' to.

 

[wsnydes]

 

The stereotypes are turned around here at Hosken House. There's no quiet moment that can't be filled with a few choice words, or failing that, a bodily noise of some sort.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a rain cloud over the stadium that needs a good talkin' to.

Nice job.  It seems to have worked in Eagan!  Perhaps a little more instruction as to the proper location that you want the rain to stop would be in order?

[wsnydes]

Breaking unsurprising news:  First pitch will be delayed.

[Jerr]

 

Breaking unsurprising news:  First pitch will be delayed.

But, this game will be played...I just yelled towards those clouds over Target Field   

[wsnydes]

 

But, this game will be played...I just yelled towards those clouds over Target Field   

I hope that you shook your fist in the air with extra anger to show your dominance!