Twins Video
Put some good-ass snacks in the dish at the front desk.
You know how when you go to a bigshot corporate office the receptionist has a bowl of, like, Jolly Ranchers or Life Savers at the main desk? Oh. Great. Thanks. But how about when it’s like whole candy bars or cold Gatorade or chicken fingers with an assortment of dipping sauces? You’d probably think, hey, these guys are awesome. Especially if you can pitch 200+ innings in a season and anchor the middle of a rotation for 3-4 years.
Hire Chip & Jo.
The hosts of Fixer Upper have managed to make total dogcrap houses in Waco, Texas look like attractive, desirable homes with a little shiplap and a lot of dad jokes and farm sinks. You gotta figure we can turn Chip loose with sledgehammer in the clubhouse and let Jo design the perfect workspace for a third baseman who can field the position and hit for power.
Offer a chance to record an album of duets with Joe Mauer.
The retired Twins catcher already has an apocryphal rap album in his discography. As a father of young children, he probably relishes the chance to get the entire hell out of the house. And who would turn down the chance to enter the studio with a future Hall of Famer to lay down some tracks over some sick beats? Definitely not a back-of-the-rotation starter with potential to be something more than that who you can sign to an affordable deal and coach up.
Abduction of a large adult male with upside.
OK. This is a tough sell. I already hear your objections about it being both a traumatic crime and that it was already done by the guy from Home Alone in the 1996 comedy Celtic Pride. But! What if the abductee with the ability to consistently give you six solid innings every fifth day goes Patty Hearst (kids ask your grandpa) and sympathizes with Minnesota’s inability to land a name free agent? We’re just saying that all options are on the table, and that by reading this you’re a criminal co-conspirator so you better just shut up if you’re thinking about squealing.
Offer to help him move without being asked.
I moved out of my home of 20 years in September. It was a lot of work! Chances are, as a professional athlete, this bullpen piece who can lock down the 8th inning has had to do this more than once and would appreciate Falvey and Levine showing up with a dolly and wearing those hernia belts. Maybe design the belts to look like WWE title belts with something like BEST FRIENDS engraved on them? Might work! Those sofa sleepers are a nightmare.
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