Twins Hold Bake Sale to Make Payroll

[RandBalls Stu]

'In these tough economic times, a $3,000 pan of brownies will help us stay competitive.'

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Pam Menegakis

The Minnesota Twins are in a bind.

They are in the process of being sold. The front office is in a state of flux. They have a payroll restriction of $130 million, and a roster that’s going to make more than that. How can you navigate this uncertainty, bridge the financial gap, and make improvements to the roster?

Cookies.

“These are two dozen monster cookies, baked by Trevor Larnach himself,” said outgoing team president Dave St. Peter. “And they can be yours for $10,000.”

While the price might strike some as outlandish, the cause is one that the team is hoping loyal fans will support.

“Every dollar of profit from what we’re calling the Twins Territory Bake Sale goes towards helping us meet payroll in these unprecedented economic times,” said a front office source. “Once the ingredients are paid for and the Pohlads receive their standard 75% cut, the money keeps the roster intact with an eye towards the future.

“Kent Hrbek is making him mom’s old icebox cookies recipe. Pablo López is making scotcheroos. Have you ever wanted to spend $15,000 on a pan of Rice Krispy bars from three-time All-Star Glen Perkins? There’s never been a better time, my friend.”

When asked why the Pohlads wouldn’t use a fraction of their unimaginable wealth to make up the payroll difference, the source said he would be hunted for sport by deranged billionaires on the Pohlad family’s private island if he answered the question honestly.

The Twins Territory Bake Sale runs through Dec. 15. Details can be found on the team’s website.

This is the team’s first food-based fundraiser since Lew Ford’s 2004 Deep Fried Turkey Challenge, which supported the fight against adult eczema. Officials say most of the lawsuits have been settled and only one of the fires remains active.

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[Hrbeks Divot]

Just watched the Volume Services training video and I’m pumped to start slinging brats!

[Fire Dan Gladden]

And I thought the details of the bake sale would be found HERE

[CRF]

The truth hurts. 

[Parfigliano]

Have to sell ton's of cookies to even pay 1 guy league minimum.

[Rod Carews Birthday]

37 minutes ago, Fire Dan Gladden said:

And I thought the details of the bake sale would be found HERE

ARGH!!!  Don’t click the link!

[Rod Carews Birthday]

It’s always nice to see Lew Ford make an appearance!

[The Great Hambino]

They've struggled with these ever since they lost Scott Baker

[Riverbrian]

Cookies? 

Clearly another marketing mistake made by the Twins marketing staff. 

A promotion like Lefse for a Lefty could have landed us Blake Snell.

If you are marketing to Minnesota... Market to Minnesota. 

If they don't have a Lefse stick... They could use a bat. Maybe Vazquez's bat... Lefse production would increase the value of his bat. 

Cookies? The Twins decided to compete with the Girl Scouts? 

[USAFChief]

Like everything Twins related lately, even Randball appears to be phoning it in with a half hearted attempt at remaining relevant.

[Schmoeman5]

Just wanted to let you know that the cookies baked by Larnach don't have nuts to comply with the folks who are allergic to them. 

[Schmoeman5]

4 hours ago, Parfigliano said:

Have to sell ton's of cookies to even pay 1 guy league minimum.

Not at those prices.

[mnfireman]

I'll take a plate of cookies or a pan of brownies... I'll drink the kool-aid to wash them down!!

[sampleSizeOfOne]

9 hours ago, Schmoeman5 said:

Not at those prices.

Concur.

 

The math is left as an exercise to the reader.

Make a chart of how many cookies we need to sell to pay each player. Bonus points for how many more rice crispy treats Glen Perkins will need cooking for each incentive in Byron's contract. 

[Richie the Rally Goat]

9 hours ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

Concur.

 

The math is left as an exercise to the reader.

Make a chart of how many cookies we need to sell to pay each player. Bonus points for how many more rice crispy treats Glen Perkins will need cooking for each incentive in Byron's contract. 

With the Thermometer graphic bursting through the top when the bake sale reaches its goal

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 11/15/2024 at 8:20 AM, RandBalls Stu said:

 

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Pam Menegakis

And i don't know what it says about me, but looking at this image on a small phone screen, i first parsed it as ranks of deformed squirrels rather than unbaked cookies:  the odd shadowing contributing mistaking lumps of chocolate chips for accusatory noses and paws wrenched at unnatural angles. 

[Craig Arko]

A $3,000.00 pan of brownies must have that special ingredient baked right in.