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Minnesota Twins Whine Line: Season 2

Vanimal46

By Vanimal46
in Minnesota Twins Talk

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diehardtwinsfan Minnesota Twins

diehardtwinsfan

Old-Timey Member
Posted
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You know, that's a great question Denny. My mom, ummm, I mean my agent was able to negotiate a deal that Brock would send me 2 bottles of whiskey a month, North would send me a bear skin rug, ChiTown would send me Giordano's pizza, Ash would make 2 $100 bets on red in Las Vegas, and Chief would take me skydiving once. I probably should have asked for real money though!! 

 

Diehard on the other hand is too cheap.... but I can say for certain that he is likely the reason your pizza won't arrive. 

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Platoon Cedar Rapids Kernels

Platoon

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Vanster, how are we ever going to replace Perkins? This is a loss of epic proportions. Monumental! Astronomical! A loss beyond comprehension! A game change.......... Well anyway you get the picture! I heard that they are hoping rest for 15 days would possible help. Wouldn't it have been easier to keep him on the active roster, it easily could have been another two weeks before we had a save situation again anyway? Could you get back to me soon, mom wants her laptop back!

Bark's Lounge Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

Bark's Lounge

Verified Member
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Yo Vanimal! Bark's Lounge calling in. Long time listener, once in a while caller and one of your greatest fans... I'd say greatest, but I know you have a devoted following and I am just one in a sea of millions.

 

Here's my question:

 

Could there be any truth to a rumor I heard that Joe Mauer traveled to Haiti over the winter, and practiced voodoo with High Priests and Priestesses of that belief form, he then came back to Fort Myers just in time for spring training and used some rituals, potions and sacrifices to steal the souls of the rest of the starting line-up - usurping the energy from their souls to reclaim his former prowess as a Hall of Fame Hitter?

 

I hear it takes some time for that kind of black magic to take hold. That might explain why most of the position players started out pretty strong in Spring Training, but started to wain as ST came to a close and then they fell on their faces once the regular season started. I have also heard that Eduardo Escobar practices voodoo in the off season in the foothills of the extreme Northern Andes in Venezuela.

 

Can this be coincidence?

 

You know me, I don't believe in that Voodoo hocus pocus stuff, I stick more to my beliefs that Adolf Hitler lived into his 90's in Argentina, and that there are 1,000's of Sasquatches roaming the woods and mountains of North America.

 

This is a conspiracy theory that is foreign to me... but something smells damn fishy about what is transpiring.

 

What's your Hot Take?

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
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ANND Welcome Back! To Minnesota Twins Whine Line. Sorry I've been missing some calls as of late. I was on a week long bender, and the intern just bailed me out of jail.... When the Twins start losing, Vanimal starts boozing. I feel like a new man! It's amazing what goes through your head when you're left in a jail cell for 35 minutes. Will I ever get out? Do I need to start creating a shank to protect myself like you see in TV shows? THANKFULLY, the Intern had the $35 bounty to get me out of jail and breathe that FRESH air.... I'll never take freedom for granted again. 

 

Anyways, those Twins, huh? What can you say. It's times like these when I pay more attention to the Intern's season on MLB the Show and wonder what could be! 

Let's return some calls and see what happens the rest of the night. 

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
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Any truth to the conspiracy that the Twins are trying to go 0-162 to get the first overall pick?

Thanks for the call, diehard. I love me a good conspiracy, and this may be the reason why the Twins are starting off 0-9! The bar was set pretty low when the Braves, Reds, and Brewers started signing guys from the California Prison League. Our Twins decided to go a different route by signing players who could strike out every other at-bat! I believe they ARE trying to go 0-162 and be the worst team in MLB history. Hopefully we'll start seeing Rick Vaughn signings in the near future! 

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
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Posted

 

Vanster, how are we ever going to replace Perkins? This is a loss of epic proportions. Monumental! Astronomical! A loss beyond comprehension! A game change.......... Well anyway you get the picture! I heard that they are hoping rest for 15 days would possible help. Wouldn't it have been easier to keep him on the active roster, it easily could have been another two weeks before we had a save situation again anyway? Could you get back to me soon, mom wants her laptop back!

Thank you for the call, Platoon. Quite frankly I feel like a piece of my soul is GONE because of the loss of Glen Perkins.. That could also be a reason why the team is struggling right now. Without Perkins, who is the person that can direct the new players on which restaurants are the best places to eat? We all know Joe Mauer is not allowed to leave the house except to go to the ballpark. Especially with twins of his own. He has no idea about all of the new bars and restaurants in town. We NEED Perkins' home town knowledge to show the others the way!   

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
Posted
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Yo Vanimal! Bark's Lounge calling in. Long time listener, once in a while caller and one of your greatest fans... I'd say greatest, but I know you have a devoted following and I am just one in a sea of millions.

 

Here's my question:

 

Could there be any truth to a rumor I heard that Joe Mauer traveled to Haiti over the winter, and practiced voodoo with High Priests and Priestesses of that belief form, he then came back to Fort Myers just in time for spring training and used some rituals, potions and sacrifices to steal the souls of the rest of the starting line-up - usurping the energy from their souls to reclaim his former prowess as a Hall of Fame Hitter?

 

I hear it takes some time for that kind of black magic to take hold. That might explain why most of the position players started out pretty strong in Spring Training, but started to wain as ST came to a close and then they fell on their faces once the regular season started. I have also heard that Eduardo Escobar practices voodoo in the off season in the foothills of the extreme Northern Andes in Venezuela.

 

Can this be coincidence?

 

You know me, I don't believe in that Voodoo hocus pocus stuff, I stick more to my beliefs that Adolf Hitler lived into his 90's in Argentina, and that there are 1,000's of Sasquatches roaming the woods and mountains of North America.

 

This is a conspiracy theory that is foreign to me... but something smells damn fishy about what is transpiring.

 

What's your Hot Take?

Bark! Welcome back to the show! Your debut call is off to a STRONG start! We're back to conspiracy theories, something that I hold near and dear to my heart. It is pretty strange that Joe Mauer is having a revelation season, while the other players suddenly can not hit a pitch. During the winter I was stalking...er... I mean investigating Miguel Sano in the Dominican Republic to make sure he wasn't cheating on his diet. I should have had someone stalk Joe Mauer too! 

If he did go to Haiti, I could absolutely believe that he performed voodoo black magic rituals in order to start hitting over .300 again. Did they not tell him that if he goes through with this, that others on his team will lose ALL ability to hit a fastball? They must not have... Your rumor about Eduardo Escobar also makes a TON of sense to me. Both players are doing suspiciously well at the moment,  almost TOO good if you catch my drift.  MAGIC...... 

 

 

diehardtwinsfan Minnesota Twins

diehardtwinsfan

Old-Timey Member
Posted
Posted

 

Bark! Welcome back to the show! Your debut call is off to a STRONG start! We're back to conspiracy theories, something that I hold near and dear to my heart. It is pretty strange that Joe Mauer is having a revelation season, while the other players suddenly can not hit a pitch. During the winter I was stalking...er... I mean investigating Miguel Sano in the Dominican Republic to make sure he wasn't cheating on his diet. I should have had someone stalk Joe Mauer too! 

If he did go to Haiti, I could absolutely believe that he performed voodoo black magic rituals in order to start hitting over .300 again. Did they not tell him that if he goes through with this, that others on his team will lose ALL ability to hit a fastball? They must not have... Your rumor about Eduardo Escobar also makes a TON of sense to me. Both players are doing suspiciously well at the moment,  almost TOO good if you catch my drift.  MAGIC...... 

 

That Mauer guy isn't all that smart.  Couldn't he have sapped the collective offense of the Royals or the Whitesox?

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
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Posted

That Mauer guy isn't all that smart. Couldn't he have sapped the collective offense of the Royals or the Whitesox?

BREAKING: The Whine Line investigative team discovered an audio clip of Joe Mauer speaking with the High Priests in Haiti! Here is the transcribed conversation:

 

HP: "What is your greatest desire, my son?"

JM: "Shucks, I guess I'd want to hit and play 1B at an all-star level."

HP: "We can do that for you, son. With a slight side effect for others...MUAHAHAHAHA."

JM: (laughs nervously) "Well golly, that'd be great if you can do that! What's the side effect?"

HP: "Nothing that will concern you, my son. Now if we don't start the ritual right now, you must leave and never return."

JM: "I mean, gosh, I'd like to play great baseball again. Let's get started?"

HP: "Wonderful! Jobu will show you what to do."

 

 

Dun-Dun-DUN!

Pardon My Dinger Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

Pardon My Dinger

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

First of all, vantastic stuff here, Vanimal. Top shelf. 

 

Now, I think the question on everyone's mind is, what's going on with Miguel Sano (if that is his real name)? Seems to me, that this is some kind of imposter. Most likely, we're looking at a couple of kids stacked on top of eachother underneath that uniform. Your thoughts...

 

And another thing: how come I can't get no tang 'round here? 

USAFChief GOAT

USAFChief

Twins Daily Contributor
Posted
Posted

Rumor has it the host and a platoon of high priced legal talent are busy fighting off a restraining order filed by some lady he works with.

jimmer Wichita Wind Surge

jimmer

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

Lines sure seem quiet these days. Maybe expect a call from some guy in the Game Thread about pinch running though.

 

You've been warned.

quiet what these days? :-)

Platoon Cedar Rapids Kernels

Platoon

Verified Member
Posted
Posted
Bark! Welcome back to the show! Your debut call is off to a STRONG start! We're back to conspiracy theories, something that I hold near and dear to my heart. It is pretty strange that Joe Mauer is having a revelation season, while the other players suddenly can not hit a pitch. During the winter I was stalking...er... I mean investigating Miguel Sano in the Dominican Republic to make sure he wasn't cheating on his diet. I should have had someone stalk Joe Mauer too! 

So Vannister, am I to read that you are implying there WAS a diet? This is a scoop of epic proportions, earth shaking, ground breaking, monument.................. Anyway, I did that bit already. The real question is, if you had reported on Sanos diet, would the other Twins press puppies followed up with revelatory op ed pieces on how svelte Miguel looked. It's a known fact that Sid, Patrick, LEN3, and that Italian guy from St. Paul read your every utterance!

Platoon Cedar Rapids Kernels

Platoon

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Rumor has it the host and a platoon of high priced legal talent are busy fighting off a restraining order filed by some lady he works with.

I would prefer you not use my name in the same sentence with any term defining the legal profession. I have my reputation to consider!
Whine Line Intern Prep Ball

Whine Line Intern

Provisional Member
Posted
Posted

 

First of all, vantastic stuff here, Vanimal. Top shelf. 

 

Now, I think the question on everyone's mind is, what's going on with Miguel Sano (if that is his real name)? Seems to me, that this is some kind of imposter. Most likely, we're looking at a couple of kids stacked on top of eachother underneath that uniform. Your thoughts...

 

And another thing: how come I can't get no tang 'round here? 

 

Thanks for the call(s), Pardon! Our apologies for the delayed response; at first we thought we’d been transported to the Simpsons thread, and by the time the mistake was realized, Vanimal was so invested in his new lady love he had to ask me to fill in for him. I know I’m generally more of a behind the scenes (though undeniably vital) component of this show, but you’ll have to deal with this unusual scenario for the day.

 

We love conspiracies! Of course, they always end up debunked… The Twins realized it wouldn’t take 0-162 to get the first overall pick of the 2017 draft; Mauer and Escobar didn’t come to nefarious deals with voodoo priests in Haiti and the Northern Andes, and other Twins (namely Nunez, Plouffe, and Arcia) have been discovering their bats; Hitler was taken into custody by an underground government organization for the purposes of advanced scientific study of the inhumane mind and lives to this day; Sasquatches actually roam the deserts and plains of Africa, cleverly eluding the prying eyes of amateur naturalists; and Jackie Kennedy killed JFK.

 

Based on that information, you probably have nothing to fear. I have it on good authority from my boss that Sano lost a whopping 5 pounds over the winter in order to perform well in right field, but after opening day he began stealthily regaining what he’d lost. This has led to questionable defense, but he’s already showing signs of returning to his old, 268-lb offensive self and actually got 2 hits today. Believe me, that’s the real McCoy under that uni!

Pardon My Dinger Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

Pardon My Dinger

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Thanks for the call(s), Pardon! Our apologies for the delayed response; at first we thought we’d been transported to the Simpsons thread, and by the time the mistake was realized, Vanimal was so invested in his new lady love he had to ask me to fill in for him. I know I’m generally more of a behind the scenes (though undeniably vital) component of this show, but you’ll have to deal with this unusual scenario for the day.

 

We love conspiracies! Of course, they always end up debunked… The Twins realized it wouldn’t take 0-162 to get the first overall pick of the 2017 draft; Mauer and Escobar didn’t come to nefarious deals with voodoo priests in Haiti and the Northern Andes, and other Twins (namely Nunez, Plouffe, and Arcia) have been discovering their bats; Hitler was taken into custody by an underground government organization for the purposes of advanced scientific study of the inhumane mind and lives to this day; Sasquatches actually roam the deserts and plains of Africa, cleverly eluding the prying eyes of amateur naturalists; and Jackie Kennedy killed JFK.

 

Based on that information, you probably have nothing to fear. I have it on good authority from my boss that Sano lost a whopping 5 pounds over the winter in order to perform well in right field, but after opening day he began stealthily regaining what he’d lost. This has led to questionable defense, but he’s already showing signs of returning to his old, 268-lb offensive self and actually got 2 hits today. Believe me, that’s the real McCoy under that uni!

I'm on hold for three days and they patch me through to some two-bit intern. Unbelievable.

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
Posted
  • Author
Posted

ANND Welcome Back! To Minnesota Twins Whine Line. It's been a crazy last 72 hours... You know in most every movie where the person the lead character LEAST expects to betray them? Well, that happened to your host over the weekend.. Let's reminisce about how we originally found the Intern, shall we?  The original Intern was in over his head, letting Bark call in 2 times in a day. Granted, Bark used a different voice the second time around, but we needed more PROFESSIONALISM in the studio. So that's when I found the current Intern, playing MLB the Show at Target. He's done so well over the year, and was providing so many HOT Twins takes for the show... But apparently being an Intern wasn't enough for him... He wanted MORE, and to get that accomplished, tried taking me out of the picture. 

Long story short, I was locked in a cage over the last 72 hours. With nothing to eat but sunflower seeds, and water from a rusty hose... It was awful, guys. Just know, that every day I was wishing victory for our Twins, and cheered as hard as I could! I wasn't sure if I was going to die in that cage, so I recorded a video of me so you knew what I was going through.... 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvVorYh_mng

 

Needless to say, I'm actively hiring for a new Intern. Time to go back to Target and find the next kid playing MLB the Show. In the mean time, I have some calls to catch up on! 

Vanimal46 Cooperstown

Vanimal46

Old-Timey Member
Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

Thanks for the call(s), Pardon! Our apologies for the delayed response; at first we thought we’d been transported to the Simpsons thread, and by the time the mistake was realized, Vanimal was so invested in his new lady love he had to ask me to fill in for him. I know I’m generally more of a behind the scenes (though undeniably vital) component of this show, but you’ll have to deal with this unusual scenario for the day.

 

We love conspiracies! Of course, they always end up debunked… The Twins realized it wouldn’t take 0-162 to get the first overall pick of the 2017 draft; Mauer and Escobar didn’t come to nefarious deals with voodoo priests in Haiti and the Northern Andes, and other Twins (namely Nunez, Plouffe, and Arcia) have been discovering their bats; Hitler was taken into custody by an underground government organization for the purposes of advanced scientific study of the inhumane mind and lives to this day; Sasquatches actually roam the deserts and plains of Africa, cleverly eluding the prying eyes of amateur naturalists; and Jackie Kennedy killed JFK.

 

Based on that information, you probably have nothing to fear. I have it on good authority from my boss that Sano lost a whopping 5 pounds over the winter in order to perform well in right field, but after opening day he began stealthily regaining what he’d lost. This has led to questionable defense, but he’s already showing signs of returning to his old, 268-lb offensive self and actually got 2 hits today. Believe me, that’s the real McCoy under that uni!

Why did you have to lock me in a cage, Intern? We had a good thing going.. Was it the FAME and FORTUNE of hosting a national sports radio show that drove you to eliminating me? All of those times tucking you in at night because you were too sad from a Twins loss.... Giving you the spotlight to talk about the lineups and weather on game threads... It's OVER. Maybe someone like Always will do better in your role... 

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