Whine Line Intern

Thanks for the call(s), Pardon! Our apologies for the delayed response; at first we thought we’d been transported to the Simpsons thread, and by the time the mistake was realized, Vanimal was so invested in his new lady love he had to ask me to fill in for him. I know I’m generally more of a behind the scenes (though undeniably vital) component of this show, but you’ll have to deal with this unusual scenario for the day. We love conspiracies! Of course, they always end up debunked… The Twins realized it wouldn’t take 0-162 to get the first overall pick of the 2017 draft; Mauer and Escobar didn’t come to nefarious deals with voodoo priests in Haiti and the Northern Andes, and other Twins (namely Nunez, Plouffe, and Arcia) have been discovering their bats; Hitler was taken into custody by an underground government organization for the purposes of advanced scientific study of the inhumane mind and lives to this day; Sasquatches actually roam the deserts and plains of Africa, cleverly eluding the prying eyes of amateur naturalists; and Jackie Kennedy killed JFK. Based on that information, you probably have nothing to fear. I have it on good authority from my boss that Sano lost a whopping 5 pounds over the winter in order to perform well in right field, but after opening day he began stealthily regaining what he’d lost. This has led to questionable defense, but he’s already showing signs of returning to his old, 268-lb offensive self and actually got 2 hits today. Believe me, that’s the real McCoy under that uni!