TRADE DEADLINE: Twins Acquire Gently Used Couch on Facebook Marketplace

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Phillip Goldsberry

With rampant speculation about what, if any, path the Minnesota Twins will take as the trade deadline action ramps up, the team surprised fans and media alike with an unexpected acquisition on Wednesday: A couch.

“The couch in Rocco's (Baldelli, Twins manager) office has needed an upgrade for a while now, but the money just hasn’t been there,” said a front office source. “One of our clubhouse staffers was scrolling Facebook Marketplace, saw this screaming deal on a practically new couch, and let us know. It came together pretty fast after that.”

Although the team declined to say how much was spent on the green Wayfair couch, a screenshot shared with Twins Daily showed the price as “$200 or best offer.” 

Multiple team sources say the cash was freed up after an unnamed Pohlad family member fired a manservant for insolence.

Meanwhile, the team’s beat writers are breathing a sigh of relief for their posteriors.

“There were springs poking out of that damn thing,” said MLB.com Twins writer Matthew Leach of the manager’s office couch. “Wildly uncomfortable. And there was a stain on one of the cushions that no one would admit to making, but it smelled like old milk.

“I think the couch is legitimately haunted,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman.

The team hopes that Major League Baseball will allow them to call up a 26th player to drive out to Lester Prairie, MN, where the couch currently resides in the home of Glenn and Anna Nelson, and pick the new furniture up.

“They usually only do the 26th man thing for doubleheaders, but we figure they’ll make an exception when they see this beauty,” said the front office source. “You can tell the Nelsons took care of it. They even Scotchgard-ed it, which is so important when the beats bring their hoagies into the office.”

“Hoagie Night is always a mess,” confirmed Betsy Helfand, Twins writer for the Pioneer Press. “Oil and mayonnaise everywhere. Real nightmare.”

Image license here.

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[Cory Engelhardt]

Hopefully it wasn't purchased from JD Vance :)

[Doctor Wu]

I'm not worried about the errant springs, but what about all those suspicious stains?!

[BrokenCompass]

That's quite the haul compared to the last couple of trade deadlines. Falvey taking some risks, I like it! 

[Fire Dan Gladden]

Now I know this article is satire. The Twins FO does not have permission to spend money to upgrade the office.

[BillyBallLives]

 I'm sure it offers more support....than what we have seen on the field.

[CRF]

I'd be shocked if we even do as much as getting an old couch. 

[ashbury]

The sleeper move I've been hoping for.

[Rod Carews Birthday]

Could they include Vasquez in the deal for some extra throw pillows?  

[TheLeviathan]

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Weren't they aware that they could have just moved a couch up from the basement and it'd be just like getting a new one?

[Fire Dan Gladden]

35 minutes ago, TheLeviathan said:

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Weren't they aware that they could have just moved a couch up from the basement and it'd be just like getting a new one?

I see what you did there. 

[gil4]

12 hours ago, Rod Carews Birthday said:

Could they include Vasquez in the deal for some extra throw pillows?  

Where would he sleep? They are selling the couch.

[big dog]

"Multiple team sources say the cash was freed up after an unnamed Pohlad family member fired a manservant for insolence."

This part made me laugh out loud. Trying to guess which Pohlad, not sure which way to go.