Pohlads to Let a Poor Throw Out First Pitch

[RandBalls Stu]

As the family prepares to sell the team, outreach to ragamuffins, urchins, and the shabby are expected throughout the preseason.

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Viktor Ritsvall

In what is looking likely to be the last spring training of the Pohlad family’s possession of the Twins, the longtime owners are hoping to make it a memorable one.

“They want to give back to the community of fans that have supported them through thick and thin, especially the rabble and the little people,” said a source familiar with the Pohlads’ thinking. “That’s why they’re letting a poor throw out the first pitch of spring training.”

Multiple sources indicate that the team is currently vetting prospects for the honor. Criteria are said to include:

• Are they filthy ragamuffins?
• Do they rent instead of own?
• Did they go to an Ivy or attend a lesser land-grand university?
• Have they ever hunted their fellow man for sport?
• Do they know not to look their betters in the eye?

“It really shows the family's commitment to lifting up the wretches and unwashed for a moment, a moment for which these unwashed will no doubt be grateful,” said the source. “I can’t imagine the excitement for other laborers as they watch one of their own hurl the first pitch of the year, clad in a threadbare shirt and ‘blue jeans,’ I think they’re called?”

This is said to only be the beginning of what the family is calling a “More for the Lessers Celebration.” Other initiatives in the spring-long program are unconfirmed, but rumored additions include:

• Let Your Vile Urchins Run the Bases. “We hope to let the bastards and guttersnipes take the field and run around the base paths,” said the source. “We’ll then set the field ablaze and salt the earth to make sure no one gets fleas or lice from the wastrels.”
• Free Hose Water. “All spring long, we hope to have one faucet hooked up with a simple garden hose behind the outfield wall, out of view of the good people,” said the source. “The unclean can use this for drinking and bathing as their hovels and rat-strewn tenements are unlikely to have that luxury.”
• 24/7 Apology Station. “Confession is good for the soul,” said the source. “Apologizing to your betters for your shabby appearance and siphoning our tax monies for public education, food shelves, and other catastrophes is always welcome. This will be located behind home plate.”

Minnesota takes on Atlanta at the Lee Health Sports Complex at 12:05pm central time on Saturday.

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[Twins63]

"Dungarees"?🤣

[ashbury]

I hope the Pohlads have hired a good consultant to make this selection, because someone who dresses like a slob and owns only one home in Lehigh Acres might slip through the cracks here and get mislabeled. Florida's full of these posers.

[NotAboutWinning]

Ouch! 😁😆😁

[David HK]

"... the shabby?!?"  That's me all over!  Plus, I've never hunted my fellow man for sport!  I volunteer!  👋

[Parfigliano]

Is paintball considered hunting for sport?

[silverslugger]

I think I fit all of those criteria?  I wear blue jeans and my old 1980's Twins jersey with the name Hrbek on the back. Of course, the b has fallen off so I just put an S in the front with a black magic marker in honor of one of my favorite movies. I drive my own car to work, a 1997 Ford Escort I inherited from my grandmother. Matter of fact, I work weekend nights filling the beer freezer at the local convenience store.  I figure it's the best way I can give back to the community and make a few bucks at the same time.  And, oh yeah, I pay taxes on that money.  My kids ride the yellow bus and go to public school at least twice a week!  I admit, I've never been to an actual Twins game, but I do take the kids to the beer league softball games in my neighborhood in the summer so they can shag the foul balls and home runs for the guys.  Of course, all the guys know me from my job.  Oh well, enough about me.  I sure hope the Pollock's don't sell this team, they've been so good to this community over the years.  I even had someone once call me wanting to know if I wanted to put some money in their bank.  They told me how much more money there'd be in something called a savings account at the end of the year.   Guess I'd never thought of that before.  I wanted to put $5 bucks in there, but the fella on the other end said that wasn't quite enough.  I thought about it for a long time, but could never figure out why?

[nlites09]

Article simply unnecessary.  I am not following Twins Daily any longer.

[ashbury]

7 hours ago, nlites09 said:

Article simply unnecessary.  I am not following Twins Daily any longer.

If you took this bit of satire personally, then before you go can you tell us whether you have any job openings locally?

(Yes that is meant as satire too.)

[sampleSizeOfOne]

This is a kind gesture to the disenfranchised society of Fort Myers.

But if they really want to make a difference, they'll let them throw out a first pitch in a real game in Target Field. Or even the play offs where it might make a difference.

[USAFChief]

"...and depending on radar gun readings, a possible MLB contract--at league minimum, natch--might just be in the offing!" stated the spokesman. "Who says we don't sign free agent talent?"

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 2/23/2025 at 4:11 PM, USAFChief said:

"...and depending on radar gun readings, a possible MLB contract--at league minimum, natch--might just be in the offing!" stated the spokesman. "Who says we don't sign free agent talent?"

How do radar gun readings affect our tried and true pitch to contact philosophies?

Free agent nothing, we got the plot for our next variant of Damn Yankees.

(Contract may be league minimum, but make sure there's a sinning... er, signing bonus.)