Local Contrarian Struggles to Hate Royce Lewis

[RandBalls Stu]

‘He’s so good. He’s so fun. His smile makes me want to be a better man.’

Image courtesy of Flickr/Jorge Gonzalez

Unlikable Chaska man Barry Daniel finds himself at a crossroads.

In the past, he’s been able to mount spectacularly annoying and disingenuous arguments about Minnesota sports and athletes with ease. From “Joe Mauer fakes concussions for sympathy” to “The Minnesota Wild logo is quality design work” to “It should be harder to watch Twins games on television, Bally Sports North is doing the right thing,” he’s a true pest.

So why can’t he hate Royce Lewis?

“It should be so easy,” said Daniel, wearing a fedora at the mall for some reason. “He’s hurt a lot. He made a bad throwing error that led to a loss this week. But…”

Daniel’s voice trailed off to barely a whisper.

“He’s so good. He’s so fun. His numbers through the first 80 games of his career are insane. His smile makes me want to be a better man.”

Daniel, who thinks Twitter is better now that there are Nazis and pornography in everyone’s mentions, knows this is against everything he stands for.

“When I told all the women at work that their right to vote was a mistake because it wasn’t what the founders intended, it came so easily,” said Daniel, who has never known love. “But if I try to say that Royce Lewis is overrated, I choke up. I don’t know what the problem is.”

Daniel hopes that the second half of the season provides more clarity.

“Like I was telling the entire waitstaff at Texas Roadhouse the other day, I supported the Twins slashing payroll, because that just means the remaining players work harder. And with the wild card a real possibility, I need to have someone to blame if they fall short. So-called analysts will look at the lack of another front-line starter or left-handed power hitter, but me? Built different. It’s because (Carlos) Correa’s overpaid, or (Jhoan) Duran should throw slower.”

Daniel fishes for the keys to his Cybertruck and concludes:

“The thing is, I hear myself say ‘Royce should have known his role and taken a backseat to Kyle Farmer, a real gamer,’ and I can’t even keep a straight face. I’m miserable. This sucks.”

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[Riverbrian]

"Local Contrarians" 

Is there some specific place that is cranking these contrarians out.  

Do they all come from Shakopee or St. Olaf?

Did they all come across the Iowa border? If that's the case... we may need to build a wall. 

Are there classes that teach it?  

Or is it Mom's fault every time?  

[strumdatjag]

OK - I don’t like the bandana on the head.   I’ll put up with the excessive eye-black (I’ll even give you Auston Martin’s excessive eye black too).   Just have Royce dump the bandana.  If it wasn’t for the bandana, I’d buy into Royce-mania. 

[LA Vikes Fan]

Agreed, the bandana is bad. And Bald at 25? Raises some real questions. 

[Jocko87]

He only hits touchdowns.

[Dave The Dastardly]

15 minutes ago, Riverbrian said:

"Local Contrarians" 

Is there some specific place that is cranking these contrarians out.  

Do they all come from Shakopee or St. Olaf?

Did they all come across the Iowa border? If that's the case... we may need to build a wall. 

Are there classes that teach it?  

Or is it Mom's fault every time?  

I can recall as an eight year-old kid riding with my grandfather down to Iowa to smuggle illegal margarine back across the border into Minnesota. Always thought myself a bootlegger and feared I was going to wind up doing time in Alcatraz if we got caught. Got so worried I convinced Gramps to let me pack a cap-gun whenever we made a run.

Fortunately I never had to use it.

Now that I'm older and slightly wiser I believe we should build a border wall with Iowa and have Mexico pay for it. I hear they like do that. The wall might at least keep my spendthrift cousins down in Iowa from attending our annual family reunion and smuggling AMPI butter back across the border. Gramps always said our Iowawegian cousins came to visit us in Minnesota with one pair of undies and a single $20 bill and went back home without ever changing either.

Gramps, by the way, was our town's police chief.

[Teflon]

You won't believe this! My life coach hit Royce's pet Bergamasco multiple times in her Ford Tempo when she was still doing mezcal. She later told me that Royce showed up to check on her at her trailer, bringing a plate of macarons. He then stayed around to help her bondo over the dents. She was incredibly moved by his indefatigable good nature and now proudly sports an image of Royce tattooed adjacent to Lemmy* of Motörhead in her pantheon of body art.

*Interesting note on her Lemmy tattoo - it was ingeniously inked so that his muttonchops utilize her actual body hair. 

[Dave The Dastardly]

6 minutes ago, Teflon said:

You won't believe this! My life coach hit Royce's pet Bergamasco multiple times in her Ford Tempo when she was still doing mezcal. She later told me that Royce showed up to check on her at her trailer, bringing a plate of macarons. He then stayed around to help her bondo over the dents. She was incredibly moved by his indefatigable good nature and now proudly sports an image of Royce tattooed adjacent to Lemmy* of Motörhead in her pantheon of body art.

*Interesting note on her Lemmy tattoo - it was ingeniously inked so that his muttonchops utilize her actual body hair. 

Can you explain this to me in Old People's Language?

[Riverbrian]

6 minutes ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

Can you explain this to me in Old People's Language?

This is a Bergamasco with a hat

[Craig Arko]

1 hour ago, Riverbrian said:

"Local Contrarians" 

Is there some specific place that is cranking these contrarians out.  

Game threads.

[DJL44]

41 minutes ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

Can you explain this to me in Old People's Language?

A Ford Tempo was a compact car built in the 1980s.

[Chachi]

3 hours ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

I can recall as an eight year-old kid riding with my grandfather down to Iowa to smuggle illegal margarine back across the border into Minnesota. Always thought myself a bootlegger and feared I was going to wind up doing time in Alcatraz if we got caught. Got so worried I convinced Gramps to let me pack a cap-gun whenever we made a run.

Fortunately I never had to use it.

Now that I'm older and slightly wiser I believe we should build a border wall with Iowa and have Mexico pay for it. I hear they like do that. The wall might at least keep my spendthrift cousins down in Iowa from attending our annual family reunion and smuggling AMPI butter back across the border. Gramps always said our Iowawegian cousins came to visit us in Minnesota with one pair of undies and a single $20 bill and went back home without ever changing either.

Gramps, by the way, was our town's police chief.

They say you can always tell an Iowegan…but you can’t tell em much.  

[sampleSizeOfOne]

22 hours ago, Craig Arko said:

Game threads.

Am i local?

I got a contrary take.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 6/21/2024 at 2:53 PM, Riverbrian said:

"Local Contrarians" 

Is there some specific place that is cranking these contrarians out.  

Do they all come from Shakopee or St. Olaf?

Did they all come across the Iowa border? If that's the case... we may need to build a wall. 

Are there classes that teach it?  

Or is it Mom's fault every time?  

Yes.

 

 

 

Wait...

That wasn't sufficiently contrary of me.

 No?

[sampleSizeOfOne]

23 hours ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

Can you explain this to me in Old People's Language?

I think life coach is what people not willing to spring for life first class get?

I could be wrong...

[Craig Arko]

4 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

I think life coach is what people not willing to spring for life first class get?

I could be wrong...

The life coach is the one who tells you whether to stand up or slide.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 6/21/2024 at 2:53 PM, Riverbrian said:

Did they all come across the Iowa border? If that's the case... we may need to build a wall. 

Are there classes that teach it?  

Or is it Mom's fault every time?  

And this in particular evokes contrary musics... Do i post from something from the Music Man? Or Pink Floyd?

[Riverbrian]

22 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

And this in particular evokes contrary musics... Do i post from something from the Music Man? Or Pink Floyd?

Minnesota's own Bob Dylan

All along the Watchtower.