Article: If I Owned the Twins...

[VeryWellThen]

It’s that time of the year when everyone offers up his opinions on how he'd improve the Twins if he owned the team. Like everyone else-- see George Steinbrenner--I’m going to ignore the fact that the role of owner is distinct from the roles of general manager and manager.

 

If I owned the Twins…

If I owned the Twins I would make Target Field the first carbon neutral ballpark in the country. The grounds crew would use push mowers,the concessions would run on wind power generated from Twins bats whiffing, and the lights would be powered with solar panels on the empty seats. I would also buy carbon offsets to power Brian Dozier’s hairdryer.

 

If I owned the Twins I would fine anyone who bunts. I would fire any manager who ordered a bunt. If the Twins get to a World Series, I would not use bunting to decorate Target Field. I just might trade away Bryon Buxton because his last name is an anagram for “Bunt XO” – which sounds to me like someone who loves to bunt.

 

If I owned the Twins I would clone Joe Mauer. Everyone always says he'd improve his team by cloning their best player. Well, I’ve been watching that Canadian show Orphan Black on Netflix so I think I know how I can get it done. I’d hire someone who knows something about genetic sequencing but I’d get to pick the types of Joe’s we’d clone. It’d be just like the show except on a baseball field: a street-smart Brit Joe in left field, a smart scientist Joe at catcher, and a psychotic Ukranian Joe as closer. I wouldn’t need to make a suburban soccer mom Joe Mauer, because we kind of already have that with the real Joe Mauer.

 

If I owned the Twins, to attract a more diverse fan base, I would redesign one of those two big white guys in the center field neon sign. I’d make over one of them (probably Minnie) from the big lug that he is to some sort of big ambiguous multi-ethnic amalgam of a lug.

 

If I owned the Twins I would hire Johan Hill as manager. In Moneyball he showed he had a brilliant baseball mind. In The Wolf of Wall Street he showed be could be a loyal member of a management team, and in SuperBad he showed he could draw real funny um... drawings. Those lineup cards would be something.

 

If I owned the Twins I would sign Paul Westerberg, Tommy Stinson and whoever else they have playing with them these days just to test out a theory – that every major league baseball player, from Mike Trout to Chris Herrmann, would have a Wins Above Replacements of 162. (Though if I could play Bob Stinson in his prime, Chris Herrmann’s WARs would drop to around 155, I figure – though it’s hard to judge players of different eras.)

 

If I owned the Twins I would cut salary to league minimum and put the savings into a Swiss bank account. My money would be two vaults over from the money Carl Pohlad stashed there from 1994 to 2001.

 

If I owned the Twins I would use advanced statistics like xFIP and swing percentage to rate all the free agent pitchers in the major leagues. Then I would realize I couldn’t afford any of the pitchers at the top of my ranking because all the other teams use those advanced stats too. Then I’d sign Kevin Corriea. I’d be able to sleep at night, because I tried.

 

Click here to view the article

[twinsfanstreif]

My biggest question is: what's happening in that picture? Is the ball coming or going? Was that a barehand catch?

[mdawg888]

Who's Johan Hill?

[Steve Penz]

Back in the day I would tail gait with my parents in the Met Parking lot.  Dave Engle and Mickie Hatcher would walk around as "the Twins" and say hello.  I just wanted you know.  If you are looking for the real guys portrayed in Center Field, they may work for you.  

[KGB]

Isn't cloning the best player from a 4 time 90 loss team like cloning the best athlete at Fat Camp?

[ashbury]

If I read TD, I would laugh at this very funny post.

[tharasix]

From now on, Buxton will be known to me as The Bunt Ox.

[Monkeypaws]

Nice one VeryWellThen - your name almost sounds like a Monty Python reference.

[Richie the Rally Goat]

If I owned the Twins I would make the beer almost free just to make the team palatable... And I like cheaper beer than $8 per glass

[zchrz]

If I owned the Twins I probably wouldn't care about baseball and just spend my days in a swimming pool full of money.  Actually I would care a little bit I would at least go to the field once and watch that monstrosity in the outfield get torn down and replaced by a gigantic light up hypnotic pine tree.

[Rosterman]

I would move the team to Rochester Minnesota and call them the Red Wings.

[Riverbrian]

Love the Post!!!

[shimrod]

I'm not sure "tail gait" and "tail gate" mean the same thing....and I'm afraid to ask what you were doing with your folks...

[Mike Sixel]

This was excellent!