Twins Appoint Derek Falvey To Lead Team’s Council Of Payroll Efficiency (COPE)

[Lou Hennessy]

The Twins’ President of Baseball and Business Operations (also known as the POBABO) is sure to have his hands full and his pockets empty as he takes on yet another role with the organization.
 

Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-Imagn Images

When there’s a major shift in direction for an organization, whether that be in the front office or on the business side of a venture, the new appointments that are inevitably announced are bound to raise some eyebrows. 

Not this time. 

Just two days after officially taking the reins from Dave St. Peter on the business dealings of the Minnesota Twins, the organization has made Derek Falvey their official appointment to lead their newly-created, but perpetually effectuated, Council of Payroll Efficiency (COPE). This department is being put into place by the Falvey-led administration to make sure there never needs to be right-sizing of their payroll ever again.

“Just add it to the pile of things they’re making me do,” an exhausted Falvey said as he swept the stairs next to Gate 3 at Target Field. “First they told me to handle the baseball operations department, then they want me handling the business dealings, then they said they want me heading the custodial team and the culinary services division. Now I have to find a way to cut costs across the board? Oh, sorry, I mean to promote payroll efficiency.”

Falvey will now be tasked with making appointments of his own for this council. First, he’ll want to find a Director of Payroll Efficiency (DOPE), a Talent Recruiter of Payroll Efficiency (TROPE), and a Liaison Assistant Surrounding the Health of Payroll Efficiency (LAST HOPE). He says the council is undecided on if they’ll bring on a Certified Associate, Negligence Testing and Leader of Unbalanced Payroll Efficiency (CANTALOUPE).

“Fans may not know this, but we’ve always operated with payroll limitations. I know it seems like we always just spend spend spend, but we actually do consider how clean our books are at every waking moment,” Falvey said as he chipped yet another acronym onto his crowded desk nameplate. “Now we’ll have a council that can formally direct our decisions in that regard.”

So who will he hire next to join this council? Is there a weekend cable news host looking for work? Maybe a maniacal billionaire with a keen interest in mid-market professional baseball teams? Whoever Falvey brings in will have to be on the cheaper end of the scale, otherwise they will be classified as Outside Payroll Efficiency (OPE), and the Twins will scooch right on past them. 

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[Jocko87]

It's the new marketing department, brilliant! They've planted a seed the new owner can campaign on shutting down. Give them an easy win coming in.  Love it.

[laloesch]

Wow.  Falvey sounds exhausted.  This is not good.  Don't be surprised at all if they Twins sell off (trade) a bunch of players including Lopez and Correa (assuming he will waive his no trade clause).  Sounds like the Twins are getting ready to hack back payroll even further, maybe sub 100 million.  If what Falvey is quoted as saying is 100% true the Twins will be adding NOBODY at all this offseason.  The Twins might as well tear the whole thing down and rebuild.  

[Reptevia]

No lies detected. 

[Patzky]

This is funnier than Matt Gaetz and far less funny at the same time.

[DJL44]

Well played. I hope POBABO sticks.

[rv78]

"This department is being put into place by the Falvey-led administration to make sure there never needs to be right-sizing of their payroll ever again."

It sounds like they feel they made a mistake increasing payroll in 2023, and since they had to downsize in 2024 they want to avoid that same scenario from happening again. So I take it then, this means they aren't going to spend additional payroll to "go for it" when the opportunity presents itself. Or in other words, they are going to continue to be cheap dumpster divers and hope the fans are too stupid to notice. UH, FYI..... that's not going to work.

[AlGoreRythm]

23 hours ago, laloesch said:

Wow.  Falvey sounds exhausted.  This is not good.  Don't be surprised at all if they Twins sell off (trade) a bunch of players including Lopez and Correa (assuming he will waive his no trade clause).  Sounds like the Twins are getting ready to hack back payroll even further, maybe sub 100 million.  If what Falvey is quoted as saying is 100% true the Twins will be adding NOBODY at all this offseason.  The Twins might as well tear the whole thing down and rebuild.  

Are you also being satirical?

[laloesch]

7 minutes ago, AlGoreRythm said:

Are you also being satirical?

No I'm not.  By all indications that is what they intend to do.

[Richie the Rally Goat]

“Liaison Assistant Surrounding The Health Of Payroll Efficiency”

OMG, I just lost it… too funny

[David Maro]

This has to be the most laughable things that this organization has ever done. Let's put one of the people who signed Donaldson,Correa and Buxton to over priced contracts who spend about half the season on IL.Looking ahead to 2025 doesn't look good for the life long fan.

[AlGoreRythm]

On 11/15/2024 at 7:51 AM, laloesch said:

No I'm not.  By all indications that is what they intend to do.

Did you read this article as real? It's not. It's labeled satire at the top of the page...

[laloesch]

2 hours ago, AlGoreRythm said:

Did you read this article as real? It's not. It's labeled satire at the top of the page...

I understand what the article is (satire), but it is what they are effectively doing by Falvey's own words.