Twins Video
When there’s a major shift in direction for an organization, whether that be in the front office or on the business side of a venture, the new appointments that are inevitably announced are bound to raise some eyebrows.
Not this time.
Just two days after officially taking the reins from Dave St. Peter on the business dealings of the Minnesota Twins, the organization has made Derek Falvey their official appointment to lead their newly-created, but perpetually effectuated, Council of Payroll Efficiency (COPE). This department is being put into place by the Falvey-led administration to make sure there never needs to be right-sizing of their payroll ever again.
“Just add it to the pile of things they’re making me do,” an exhausted Falvey said as he swept the stairs next to Gate 3 at Target Field. “First they told me to handle the baseball operations department, then they want me handling the business dealings, then they said they want me heading the custodial team and the culinary services division. Now I have to find a way to cut costs across the board? Oh, sorry, I mean to promote payroll efficiency.”
Falvey will now be tasked with making appointments of his own for this council. First, he’ll want to find a Director of Payroll Efficiency (DOPE), a Talent Recruiter of Payroll Efficiency (TROPE), and a Liaison Assistant Surrounding the Health of Payroll Efficiency (LAST HOPE). He says the council is undecided on if they’ll bring on a Certified Associate, Negligence Testing and Leader of Unbalanced Payroll Efficiency (CANTALOUPE).
“Fans may not know this, but we’ve always operated with payroll limitations. I know it seems like we always just spend spend spend, but we actually do consider how clean our books are at every waking moment,” Falvey said as he chipped yet another acronym onto his crowded desk nameplate. “Now we’ll have a council that can formally direct our decisions in that regard.”
So who will he hire next to join this council? Is there a weekend cable news host looking for work? Maybe a maniacal billionaire with a keen interest in mid-market professional baseball teams? Whoever Falvey brings in will have to be on the cheaper end of the scale, otherwise they will be classified as Outside Payroll Efficiency (OPE), and the Twins will scooch right on past them.
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