Paparesta: Twins No Longer Need to Lick Locker Area Clean

[RandBalls Stu]

New Twins trainer lays down law, calls into question previous health and injury practices.

Image courtesy of © Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Of the many issues that befell the 2022 Minnesota Twins, a run of truly wretched injury luck was a decisive factor. Per Baseball Reference, they lost 9.4 Wins Above Replacement to injuries. It drove the team to hire a new athletic trainer, Nick Paparesta, away from Oakland. And the changes are coming fast.

“I’m not trying to throw anyone under the bus,” said Paparesta. “This is not a metaphor. They would actually put players under the team bus last year to quote ‘blast their abs’ unquote. They shouldn’t have done that. It’s wildly irresponsible.”

Paparesta, who spent the last 12 seasons with the Athletics, also called into question the team’s practice of not letting anyone leave after the game without licking their locker clean to prevent the spread of germs and bad humors.

“There was a sign above the exit that said ‘If you’re not licking you’re losing.’ The entire team had thrush the entire season. They had diseases usually associated with 17th century sailors. The bullpen had a malaria outbreak. Mosquitoes feared them.”

Although it’s impossible to eliminate hazards of the game like comebackers and wild pitches, Paparesta emphasized there are things you can do to mitigate the injury risk.

“This shouldn’t need to be said, but if a pitch is coming towards your head, do not open your mouth for good luck in the coming harvest season,” said Paparesta. “You’ll wreck your teeth. No one here is a farmer. I’m baffled by this approach.”

“Similarly, if there is comebacker to the mound, thrusting your midsection at the ball to assert dominance and virility is not sound advice,” continued Paparesta. “A lot of these young guys want to start families someday. Taking a rocket to the gooch works against that.”

The team offered no further comment on previous health and injury guidelines but confirmed that they’re sourcing their 2023 sunflower seeds from a supplier that uses less cobra venom in the seasoning process. “We had never heard of ‘nightmare diarrhea’ before. It was a teachable moment,” said a front office source. "It's still going to smell like World War I for a while, that's not going away anytime soon."

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[Otaknam]

Is this a parody? What the…….?

[Lagputter]

I seriously hope this is satire.  But there is so much misinformation out there about health stuff you can never be completely sure!  ?

[BK432]

???????

This is a top 3 RandBalls Stu. I was laughing a little too hard, my coworkers wanted to know what's up. It was "Nightmare Diarrhea" that finally got me.

[wsnydes]

I had heard rumors of these types of things going on.  Seems like the FO took innovation a bit too far in the training staff department...

[sorney]

You know this is a banger when comments are questioning if it is a parody.  Well done sir

[CRF]

WTF is this? I want some of the drugs he seems to be on. 

[mikelink45]

I believe that Target field is about to change its name to Mayo Clinic Field and we will now have concession stands where you can choose a quicky operation or just buy your favorite pills.  Below the stands will the be the players area.  Here we can treat all minor and otherwise inconvenient injuries and complaints.

Also I believe that PEDs help cure core and muscle issues.

[Squirrel]

3 hours ago, Otaknam said:

Is this a parody? What the…….?

 

3 hours ago, Lagputter said:

I seriously hope this is satire.  But there is so much misinformation out there about health stuff you can never be completely sure!  ?

 

1 hour ago, CRF said:

WTF is this? I want some of the drugs he seems to be on. 

All Randball Stu’s articles are satire. All of them. So take each and every one with the pointed humor intended. If it’s not your thing just walk away ?

[ashbury]

6 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

“A lot of these young guys want to start families someday. Taking a rocket to the gooch works against that.”

All right, this line leads me to ask.  The tag at the end of the article says,

Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.

Most of that sounds legit, but is the part about being the father merely a bit of satire that Mrs RandBalls snuck in?

 

PS.  My two benchmarks for satire are 1) the target must be worthy, not simply punching down, and 2) it needs to be written plausibly enough that it reels in a few who take it seriously.  This week's installment is pretty good on both counts.

[mikelink45]

20 minutes ago, ashbury said:

All right, this line leads me to ask.  The tag at the end of the article says,

Steve "Stu" Neuman. Local copywriter, husband, father of two, inventor of the atomic bomb.

Most of that sounds legit, but is the part about being the father merely a bit of satire that Mrs RandBalls snuck in?

 

PS.  My two benchmarks for satire are 1) the target must be worthy, not simply punching down, and 2) it needs to be written plausibly enough that it reels in a few who take it seriously.  This week's installment is pretty good on both counts.

I believe that he might be related to Alfred E Neuman.  

[LiamC]

Hahahaha I'm doing my best not to crack up in a lecture. Excellent article. Loved the harvest season part, good advice from the new trainer.

[Dave The Dastardly]

That World War I smell was a clinger. Heard through the grape vine Paparesta fired locker room swamper Dizz N. Terry because he thought the guy was behind spreading that ‘nightmare diarrhea’. Might've had a hand in it.

Just goes to show the little guy always gets it in the shorts...

[Fred]

7 hours ago, Otaknam said:

Is this a parody? What the…….?

C,Mon, It's RandBalls Stu

[Game7-91]

Sooooooo, youre not supposed to lick clean your Xperience fitness gym locker after each workout? Dang,,........................

[gil4]

Quote

They would actually put players under the team bus last year to quote ‘blast their abs’ unquote. They shouldn’t have done that. It’s wildly irresponsible.”

The team is too soft as it is, and now they are bringing in this guy?  Will the 7th inning stretch be replaced by 7th inning nap time (players included this time - I know plenty us were already in full nap mode by the 7th inning in half the games last year.)