Sources: Injury Gods Also Surprised by Lack of Joe Ryan Injury

[RandBalls Stu]

The Old Ones, praise their names, search for answers as Joe Ryan escapes injury scare unscathed.

As entities that predate recorded history, it’s very hard to get something by the Injury Gods. Yet that’s exactly what happened on Tuesday afternoon, as a wicked comebacker found Joe Ryan’s pitching hand without causing lasting damage.

“Ryan’s a big part of their future plans so it seems like that’s an ideal place to really put the screws to the player and the Twins,” said a source close to Znon the Wrathful, the unspeakable beast responsible for tweaking Minnesota’s ulnar collateral ligaments. “I can’t explain it. Nor can They. The entire nether world is buzzing. To be clear, that’s mostly because of the bees we’re sending to swarm Byron Buxton next Wednesday, but it’s also the talk of the realm.”

It initially appeared that the Gods had done as they always have to the bedeviled franchise, with Ryan immediately storming off the mound and heading to the showers.

“Oh yeah, I thought for sure we tagged and bagged him,” said another source who works in Damnations and Accounts Receivable for Langurr The Plague King. “I should have known something wasn’t right when the ball didn’t deflect and hit Jorge Polanco in the eye. Classic double play and we didn’t even get the one? You don’t get surprised around this office too often, but that one put us back on our hooves.”

The resulting X-rays were negative, with Ryan diagnosed as having a mere bruise. He might not even miss a start. The lack of traumatic injury is leaving more questions than answers among Those who exist to harm and maraud.

“It’s a real stumper,” said a source familiar with Znon’s thinking. “His name is Znon the Wrathful. He just loves Himself some wrath. Lots of speculation that He’s going to make up for it by dropping a house on Ryan’s pinky toe or putting a black bear in his car. No one ever expects the black bear. Bears can’t drive!”

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[ToddlerHarmon]

Look, I know it's possible I'm the only one who has read this, but I don't sprinkle bat wings over my tea every morning while saying an incantation to Calvin Griffith's poodle for this clown to come along and mess with the juju,

[sampleSizeOfOne]

10 minutes ago, ToddlerHarmon said:

Look, I know it's possible I'm the only one who has read this, but I don't sprinkle bat wings over my tea every morning while saying an incantation to Calvin Griffith's poodle for this clown to come along and mess with the juju,

I expect Mr. Ryan's response took everyone by surprise, as the plan was for him to actually tweak himself trying to complete the play, and then to throw it away in the process giving an extra base to the runner. This classic insult to injury move was foiled by Ryan's response.

[Dodecahedron]

Buxton alone has enough injuries banked to ensure that the next playoff team has very good luck with injuries.

[big dog]

This is both the funniest thing that I've read in a long time, and something that explains the last 15 years of Twins history really well.

[ashbury]

Opening sentence from the Twins' orthopedic team physician Michael Knudsen's upcoming book, Byron Buxton's Bees: "Look, to be honest, until I saw it for myself, I never thought it possible that a massive series of bee stings could even cause an ACL to spontaneously rupture."

[sampleSizeOfOne]

6 minutes ago, ashbury said:

Opening sentence from the Twins' orthopedic team physician Michael Knudsen's upcoming book, Byron Buxton's Bees: "Look, to be honest, until I saw it for myself, I never thought it possible that a massive series of bee stings could even cause an ACL to spontaneously rupture."

Do they replace the ACL with honey comb, claiming that part of his anatomy for their winter food supply? Byron Buxton: the bee's knees....

 

Or is that spoiler? Right. Mum's the word.

[ashbury]

5 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

Byron Buxton: the bee's knees....

Kudos.  I whiffed on that'un.

[Brandon]

I remember the time they got to Aguilera when he was carrying luggage.  That was the year he tried to be a starting pitcher for us.  Lucky for us cause he went back to being an all star closer for us the next season.  But injured by luggage....

[bean5302]

I wonder if the Injury Gods mail holiday cards out? Like, does Buxton get the full package? New Years, Valentine's Day, etc? "Thinking of you!" haha