Twins Announce Sweeping Front Office Extensions Following Deadline; Falvey Named King Emperor

[Nick Nelson]

Image courtesy of Jesse Johnson-Imagn Images

MINNEAPOLIS — In a bold move to cement their organizational identity of baffling inertia, the Minnesota Twins announced a sweeping series of contract extensions for front office and coaching personnel Friday, following a deadline talent purge that subtracted 40% of the active roster.

Derek Falvey has been promoted, by himself, to a newly defined role as King Emperor of Baseball, Business and Organizational Excellence. This follows in the footsteps of Falvey being elevated to the vaunted POBABO role after Minnesota's late-season collapse in 2024. "We feel really good about the direction we're headed," said Falvey, pointing in no particular direction. "There is tremendous opportunity in continuing to stay the course, and consistently pursuing the avenues we have a responsibility to navigate."

King Emperor Falvey pronounced that manager Rocco Baldelli, whose contract was discreetly extended earlier this year while overseeing another abomination of lackluster baseball performance, has been re-extended for another 10 years, with an unprecedented managerial no-trade clause.  

"This season and the last season and the last five seasons haven't gone exactly the way we would have liked them to," Falvey said. "But Rocco continues to show up every day. He is putting on the uniform, sitting in the chair, staring out over the dugout railing."

The internal extensions and promotions didn't stop there. The Twins also announced on Friday that they have signed Matt Borgschulte to a double-lifetime contract, ensuring that not only will the club's hitting coach remain under contract for the remainder of his career but also for one or more future generations of his family lineage.

"We felt it was important to ensure that type of continuity," said Falvey while promoting Jeremy Zoll to Super General Manager. "Change can be disruptive to a status quo that is ultimately almost close to acceptable and adequate."

When contacted on vacation in the Seychelles, outgoing ownership figurehead Joe Pohlad seemed surprised to learn the Twins were still playing baseball.

“Who? You mean Mary-Kate and Ashley?” he asked. Upon clarification that the question referred to the Minnesota Twins baseball team — which his family still nominally owns — Pohlad replied, “Oh, those Twins,” followed by a long pause during which he appeared to become distracted by a butterfly.

Pohlad, who is reportedly scouting potential synergy investments in underwater pickleball courts, said he trusts Falvey to run the organization. “We’ve empowered Derek to make the tough decisions, like which internal employees to reward for externally visible outcomes,” Pohlad said. “Frankly, I love what he’s done. Nelson Cruz is just so fun to watch.”

As for the fans, Falvey reassured them that these moves are all part of a long-term vision. “We’re not reacting to short-term results,” he said. “We’re reacting to long-term optics. And from where I’m sitting — in a newly renovated executive strategy suite — the optics look strong.”

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[Western SD Fan]

You forgot to include that they rehomed TC Bear to an undisclosed location to keep those pesky insider sources from leaking out and King Emperor Falvey won't have to answer so many questions.

[Sjoski]

I heard TC Bear fled the scene for fear of being traded to Colorado.

He does have a really smooth swing and Favley knows that. 

[Heiny]

While I am a confirmed believer that I'm a confirmed dis-believer, I find it funny that there is no humor in this laughable disgust.  If you disagree with me you have to see that I'm right.  What I'm actually saying is that I'm not saying anything.  And if Falvey were to be any good at his job he would fire himself because he realizes that he is incompetant.  You know what I mean???????

 

edit:  Hey bartender.  Another round for the entire bar.   What?   Of course I know I'm alone.

[TheLeviathan]

This is all completely ridiculous.  All of these suggestions include the Pohalds spending money.

Nice try Nick......you almost had me.  :)

 

[Rod Carews Birthday]

I’ve always felt that having the satire disclaimer at the top of an article was a very stupid (but probably legally necessary) thing.  However, given the events of the past week, I took my only solace from your disclaimer to know that these things were not (currently) true.  Unfortunately, as a potential brainstorming session for the next period of activity by Twins ownership and management, this article is probably dangerous and should be suppressed. 

[Doctor Gast]

I wouldn't doubt that Falvey would mount a giant bronze statue of himself in front of Target Field.

[S Bart]

Is this really going to happen?