The Absolute Answer to Rebuilding our Beloved Twins

[DocBauer]

After much debate, thought, pen to paper and beer consumption over the past few months...errr...reflection...I now feel compelled to share my resolute assessment of the problems facing our beloved Twins over the past few seasons, and some proposed answers to improvement.

 

I am not discounting minor league talent continuing to rise within the system. But there is a carefully guarded veiled mystique to the Twins that I have uncovered that must be observed even in the patience of prospect evaluation and development. Being a Minnesota Twin, a team named not for a city, but an entire state, that plays in a city that is itself split in two parts, is about Karma, attitude, a sense of being something different than the standard.

 

Successful Twins are not Blacks, or Whites, or Smiths, or Johnsons or keeping up with the Jones's....with all due deference to Jacque. Twins success and history is built on being a Mudcat, a Killebrew (yes, another one please), an Oliva, Allison (a girl's name?), Kaat (made up right?), a Battey (fitting right?), Versalles (they signed a treaty there once), a Pascual, Tovar and Wynegar (there is no crying in baseball) just to name a few all time greats.

 

Reflect for a moment on the 1987 World Series Champion Minnesota Twins roster. It's rotation was lead by Frankie "sweet music" Viola and Bert Blyleven. There was also Les Straker, which sounds kind of ominous, but was only a .500 pitcher...though he would have been preferable to some of the fodder sent to the mound the past few years. Jeff Reardon lead the bullpen with Juan Berenguer, Keith Atherton, and some guys who went by the various alias' that included names like Bittiger, Joe "colonel" Klink, Randy "I'm not a songwriter" Nieman, Mark "we don't speak Spanish" Portugal and something called a Dan Schatzeder.

 

Toss the ball around the starting infield and see Gaetti, Gagne, Lombardozzi and Hrbek with Laudner and Butera behind the plate. The outfield? Gladden, Puckett and Brunansky with an assist from Randy Bush, which sounds either like a 70's porn star or in baseball terms, a name that would be akin to having someone named Lucifer pitching for your church-league softball team.

 

Do you see the pattern here? The Twins have become too obvious, too ordinary lately. It's not just all in a name, for surely, talent may smell as sweet. But for the Twins, there is a distinct quality of individuality that permeates their successful history in regard to the use of vowels and over-use of consenents! Don't believe me? Take a look at the 1991 World Series Champion Minnesota Twins Roster.

 

Substitute a Knoblauch for a Lombardozzi at 2B (without cramping your typing fingers) and a Leius/Pagliarulo platoon at 3B (without feeling like you just went through a sweaty overtime session of Twister) and then tell me that you don't see a pattern here? Tell me you know how to spell Aguilera (without thinking of Christina) without having to think or look it up and then you can blow my theory out of the water as easily as sinking my battleship in less than a dozen moves.

 

So where do we go from here to find guaranteed success? There are various options, and this is where I offer speculation, and you offer your wise and astute observation.

 

Hughes is a nice semi-stud to anchor the rotation, and I don't want to lose him. I believe Gibson is still on the upswing, and might be our second best starter, and I don't want to lose him either. I love the potential of May and Meyer. But look at the names? We need some karma, some real mojo here. Nolasco has talent and proven success, and the right name! But someone here has to be sacrificed in order to sign Max Scherzer. I really don't want to spend $22-$25M per...and yet, not only does he have great success, and is relatively young, and have the fewest IP amongst the big 4 for his career...but look at his name? He has an "x", an extra "c" in his last name, and a "Z" for goodness sake!

 

Markakis and Cabrera should be the top two targets for the Twins in 2015 for LF. I prefer Cabrera because he is RH and...come on...Melky? RH, experienced, talented, productive and his last name is rather unique...but Melky? Markakis isn't going to leave the Orioles anyway, it appears. While I am very intrigued by Rios and his potential as a RH bat, many are coveting Colby Rasmus. While he can play CF, would probably be better in LF, he can't hit much, but does provide power and speed and sounds like a nice, smooth Egyptian cheese, I lean to other mentioned options for LF, and a trade for Peter Bourjos in CF.

 

Not only is Bourjos considered an elite defensive CFer, not only did he have one excellent season for the Angels a few years ago, and then another decent one of SSS, giving him 2 out of 4 as good, but I really am unsure how to pronounce his name, and have to double check how to spell it. This marks him as an ideal candidate to patrol CF for the Twins in 2015,as well as not costing much, and being RH, he might even perform a nice semi-platoon with Schafer, who really doesn't know how to spell his name properly, and it's no co-incidence his best season was with the Twins.

 

If the Twins truly want to sign a LHSP option as Ryan has suggested, they should obviously stay away from Jon Lester. Yes, he has left an "h" out of his name, and is LH, but otherwise has nothing truly distinctive about him when compared to Scherzer. Brett Anderson is ALWAYS injured, has the name allure of milktoast, and should be replaced by a bounce back candidate such as Capuano (sounds like a size or coffee flavor at Starbucks)or bringing back Liriano.

 

If you really want to bring in someone to challenge the other young BP candidates, the guy you should be targeting is Hochevar from the Royals. Not only is he a failed SP until finding himself in the Royals bullpen in 2013, now bouncing back from TJ surgery and probably had on the cheap...but look at his name!

 

So there you go. I make the one big move in the rotation I didn't want to, but am now compelled through Karma to do so. I make the big move for LF, and the small trade move in CF that will pay off nicely. I even offer up LHSP options and a top, cheap RP option.

 

Want more? Geovany Soto as a backup catcher if needed, Emilio Bonifacio as a useful, multi-position utility player. Perhaps a trade for Steve Lombardozzi as a useful utility candidate? (and if you don't get that one, you aren't paying attention). Chamberlain, Neshak or LH Tom Gorzelanny for the bullpen.

 

What say you? Who might you add to reclaim the unique winning Karma that has been the history of the Minnesota Twins? What talented and unique individuals might you add to the likes of Plouffe, Dozier, Suzuki, Pelfrey and others along with the more mundane Mauer's and Hughes and others to make this roster unique and competent...World Series worthy?!

 

Do you see what I did here? Care to play along? Or should I just be locked up until pitchers and catcher report?

[old nurse]

a few more beers

[Craig Arko]

a few more beers

With whisky chasers.

[ashbury]

Dock Bower makes some interesting points here.

 

Is spelling the main criterion, or is mangled pronunciation of guys like Arcia of value?  You mentioned Borjuss in that context.

 

Missed an opportunity by not promoting Mientkiewicz to the manager's spot.

 

Rumor is that Shark is available for trade, and a battery of him and Salty would be good.

[DocBauer]

Ash, I think it's more about the uniqueness of the name, difficulty spelling adds major points, and difficulty pronouncing...at least initially...is like double jeopardy.

 

I would take the Shark over Scherzer, were he to agree to an extension. He's a year or two younger, would probably cost a bit less in dollars, and I might feel better about the length of the deal. Difficulty speaking his name is HUGE bonus points! The "Z" should be worth a +1 WAR by itself, I'd wager.

 

And while I am hoping that 2015 is the year Pinto starts to take hold of something, should the Twins have any kind of hole at catcher, I'd have to give Pierzynski one last look. LH with power to the RH Suzuki, and what a perfect platoon name-wise they'd make!

[goulik]

I think you nailed the source of Gardys struggles as a manager too! Now that Moly.... Er....Molitor has taken maybe Mauersy...er....Mauer will rebound and Pelfsy....er...Pelfrey will pitch like a major leaguer. Gardy made all the names vanilla and boring leading to the slide as a franchise

[B Richard]

You lost me when you said that there is nothing truly distinctive about Lester when compared to Scherzer. 

 

Scherzer has better stuff, but is not a complete pitcher. As he starts to lose more velo, I worry about him, especially because his command is average *at best*. Lester has much better command and has already shown that he can adjust as he loses his stuff. 

 

In terms of present value they are roughly equal, but Lester is clearly the better long-term asset in my not-so-humble-and-well-researched opinion. 

 

I wouldn't be opposed to the Twins signing Lester to a 6-year high AAV pact, but I won't be heartbroken if they don't. The organization can afford to bide its time for another year or so before it really has to make big decisions on how to handle the payroll as the window for contention opens.

[DocBauer]

B Richard, I'm afraid you missed the point of this exercise. Other than misspelling his first name, and being LH of course, Lester is a high quality ML SP on pretty much equal footing as Max Scherzer. But "Lester" simply cant compare to "Scherzer" in any way. Not only is there the aforementioned "X" in Max, but also an extra "C" in the last name along with a "Z". The only way he could be more perfect for the Twins rotation might be a hidden or silent "Q" somewhere.

[brvama]

The '...sons' of Minnesota doth protest of being called bland. And what's wrong with milktoast?

[ashbury]

The only way he could be more perfect for the Twins rotation might be a hidden or silent "Q" somewhere.

He could start to pronounce his name sher-ZAIR.

 

What if Lester started wearing a beret or something?  Or struck batters out strictly on an ironic basis and used only organic baseballs, like Hipster Kevin Slowey?  Would that give him enough pizzazz?

[DocBauer]

He could start to pronounce his name sher-ZAIR.

 

What if Lester started wearing a beret or something?  Or struck batters out strictly on an ironic basis and used only organic baseballs, like Hipster Kevin Slowey?  Would that give him enough pizzazz?

Now you might be on to something here. Is it to late to change the spelling of his last name? Jon Lestier? Hmmm...LH, a beret, from Quebec and the name change might do it.

[curt1965]

The ol' Doc proves again that he is one of TD's best writers! What an amazing post. I can only imagine how many hours it took him to write it.

His " what if" trade scenerio is my personal favorite. Keep up the good work, Doc!

[DocBauer]

Curt...I promise...the check really is in the mail.

[REPETE]

 

The '...sons' of Minnesota doth protest of being called bland. And what's wrong with milktoast?

 JUST LIKE ALL THE

[REPETE]

OOPS. In any case, just like all the Latin players on this team, Milktoast is just TOO spicey.

[Mike Sixel]

I think it is milquetoast. Which is a much cooler spelling.

 

[nicksaviking]

I think it is milquetoast. Which is a much cooler spelling.

 

 

Ha, yeah but to emphasize the blandness and Minnesota-ness, milktoast is definately the correct spelling here.

 

Do we guage the the flare only upon the surname?  Or does the given name count as well, because while Davis and Brown were rather boring names by 1991 standards, they sure seemed more intreguing when the names were proceeded by Chili and Jarvis.

[DocBauer]

Excellent point my good man! (For point of reference see Cabrerra, Melky, as listed above)

 

Totally agree that a unique first name also offers flare, such as in your examples. While the talent of the player himself, and his production, is what obviously carries the most weight...generally speaking...I would "Doc" such named ones about 1/2 a WAR based on relative ease of spelling and pronunciation do their first names.

 

But to your point once again, see out new 1st base coach. Now, he might end up being an outstanding addition to the staff, but at this point, he is a mostly unknown quality. And "Davis"? Meh. But with a first name like "Butch" he automatically gains additional C-WAR, or Coaching WAR.