Congress Votes to Shut Down Cleveland Guardians Until We Can All Figure Out What’s Going On

[RandBalls Stu]

"There’s no way their record can be that good. We’ll get to the bottom of it."

Image courtesy of Flickr/Erik Drost

In a rare show of bipartisan unity, the U.S. House and Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to put an indefinite halt to all Cleveland Guardians baseball activities.

This move comes after a nationwide groundswell of demand for Congress to do something about the AL Central-leading Guardians, who have the best record in the American League despite not having anyone on their team you could pick out of a lineup.

“You check the standings and see Cleveland’s record is 51-27,” said Twins Daily’s Nick Nelson. “It’s a red flag for anyone who cares about the integrity of the game. They have José Ramírez. That's it. Something's wrong.”

“We are going to figure out what is going on with those nasty little freaks,” said Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar (D). “It’s unconscionable that we’ve let things get this far, frankly.”

In addition, the National Guard is being called in to prevent players and fans from accessing both Progressive Field in Cleveland and any away game stadiums on the Cleveland schedule.

“I know some local fans might be upset with me for calling in the Guard,” said Ohio Governor Mike DeWine (R). “But doing the right thing matters. And need I remind them that Cincinnati is in Ohio, too, and way more fun anyway? Just watch Elly De La Cruz launch bombs instead of whatever collection of castoffs and goblins Cleveland trots out.”

“They have a better record than the Yankees,” said Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth (D). “They have a better record than the Orioles. They’re basically tied with the Phillies. None of it makes sense. Those teams are fantastic. Cleveland is just, you know, Cleveland.”

“There’s no way their record can be that good,” said Klobuchar. “We’ll get to the bottom of it.”

The investigation is expected to last 3-4 weeks, during which Cleveland’s record will probably improve anyway, for one simple reason.

“We live in a fallen world,” said Nelson.

Image license here.

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[Patzky]

Reverse jinx reverse reverse.

 

Two game losing streak 😭 

 

 

[Dave The Dastardly]

I'm afraid it goes deeper than that. The House Weaponization Committee has initiated a conspiracy investigation into this seemingly impossible situation. Several Representatives have suggested aliens are using Presbyterian space lasers to affect umpiring decisions in Cleveland's favor in a naked attempt to demoralize American sports fans and clean up at the Vegas betting windows. The theory is once the aliens compile more money than Elan Musk they're going to buy the White House and turn it into a Dairy Queen. The Committee members fear if the aliens can pull this off they won't be able to get their own licks in.

[Whitey333]

Great satire article.  The posts were even better.  Two of this column in one week?  What's happening???

[Jeff K]

This is hysterical!  The best humor has a bit of truth tied to it.  I certainly don't understand Cleveland's performance thus far!

[Riverbrian]

Cleveland they must get to the bottom of? Cleveland is the thing that they can't figure out what's going on so they shut it down until clarity arises from some sort of investigation? 

Congress shuts down Cleveland Baseball and they shut down Lawn Darts. But... other things much more problematic are allowed to continue with proper financial support in the form of campaign contributions. 

Listen... We all know why this is happening. 

We all know why Congress all of a sudden has sprung into action. It's the same reason they always spring into action. 

Larry Dolan is a cheap guy. He takes the same approach to campaign contributions that he does to paying baseball players. He is buying no friends. 

There was no lawn dart lobby in 1988 and look what happened and Larry Dolan doesn't open up his wallet. 

This is what happens to the little guy and the little guy is hanging yard signs in support of this system.  

 

[Oldgoat_MN]

This may be my favorite post by Stu. It is timely and shows how Congress, if they wanted to, could actually address the important issues facing Americans. 

We can dream...

[LanceJS]

24 minutes ago, Oldgoat_MN said:

This may be my favorite post by Stu. It is timely and shows how Congress, if they wanted to, could actually address the important issues facing Americans. 

We can dream...

You mean the Guardians playing well above expectations isn’t an important issue?

 

[Hosken Bombo Disco]

This is actually a big story. My understanding is that on July 24, a delegation of international officials led by the prime minister of Israel will accompany members of Congress to Progressive Field in Cleveland to watch the Guardians host the Tigers. The delegation will watch the game from a dugout suite directly behind home plate, in full view of the center field camera. Representing the Minnesota Twins on this visit will be Sen. Amy Klobuchar. Klobuchar will bring her glove, in case one of the batters hits a foul ball to her.