Congress Votes to Shut Down Cleveland Guardians Until We Can All Figure Out What’s Going On

In a rare show of bipartisan unity, the U.S. House and Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to put an indefinite halt to all Cleveland Guardians baseball activities.

This move comes after a nationwide groundswell of demand for Congress to do something about the AL Central-leading Guardians, who have the best record in the American League despite not having anyone on their team you could pick out of a lineup.

“You check the standings and see Cleveland’s record is 51-27,” said Twins Daily’s Nick Nelson. “It’s a red flag for anyone who cares about the integrity of the game. They have José Ramírez. That's it. Something's wrong.”

“We are going to figure out what is going on with those nasty little freaks,” said Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar (D). “It’s unconscionable that we’ve let things get this far, frankly.”

In addition, the National Guard is being called in to prevent players and fans from accessing both Progressive Field in Cleveland and any away game stadiums on the Cleveland schedule.

“I know some local fans might be upset with me for calling in the Guard,” said Ohio Governor Mike DeWine (R). “But doing the right thing matters. And need I remind them that Cincinnati is in Ohio, too, and way more fun anyway? Just watch Elly De La Cruz launch bombs instead of whatever collection of castoffs and goblins Cleveland trots out.”

“They have a better record than the Yankees,” said Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth (D). “They have a better record than the Orioles. They’re basically tied with the Phillies. None of it makes sense. Those teams are fantastic. Cleveland is just, you know, Cleveland.”

“There’s no way their record can be that good,” said Klobuchar. “We’ll get to the bottom of it.”

The investigation is expected to last 3-4 weeks, during which Cleveland’s record will probably improve anyway, for one simple reason.

“We live in a fallen world,” said Nelson.

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