Article: Local Woman Debates Telling Friend Where The Twins Play Next

[RandBalls Stu]

Aidan Lynch was ready to celebrate on Thursday. After watching the Twins bury the Houston Astros 8-2 in person, he and his friends left Target Field to toast the team’s AL-best 19-10 record at a nearby pub.One of those friends, Shelly Ryan, was happy to lift a beer with him, but also uneasy.

 

“He should be excited about the team, he’s a huge fan,” said Ryan, a Minneapolis-based attorney. “But I don’t think he’s looked at this weekend’s schedule yet.”

 

Ryan peeled at the label of her High Life bottle and frowned, while Lynch and her other friends watched highlights of the game on the bar television.

 

“Someone has to tell him, right?”

 

The Twins go on the road this weekend to play three games against the New York Yankees. Their recent, and frankly not-so-recent record against New York is…suboptimal.

 

“They haven’t beaten the Yankees in New York in 100 years,” said Ryan. “I don’t even think I’m exaggerating that much. And they aren’t just regular losses. Just gutpunch after gutpunch after gutpunch.”

 

Lynch walked up to Ryan and shouted “First place, Ry-no! First place!” and held up his right hand with the palm facing towards her, an indication that he would like to give a high-five. Ryan obliged. Lynch then excused himself to use the restroom.

 

“Aidan and his dad went to the Phil Cuzzi game,” said Ryan. “They were actually sitting down the third base line, surrounded by a bunch of slobbering Yankee fans, probably 50 -75 feet from where the ball landed fair.”

 

Ryan finished her beer and continued.

 

“It was Aidan’s 13^th birthday. A guy with a Jeter shirsey threw up on him during ‘God Bless America’ then gave him the finger. He found some dried vomit behind his ear on the flight home. Ever since then, even mentioning the Yankees puts him in a dark place.”

 

Lynch, back from the restroom, was ordering shots at the bar for anyone within earshot.

 

“He's going to have this shot, maybe another drink, then head home,” said Ryan. “He’s going to hop in a Lyft, look at his phone, and check the schedule. He’s going to find out from his goddamn phone. It doesn’t have to be that way.”

 

Lynch dropped a bright purple shot in front of Ryan. “This is for Jorge Polanco, and Corey Koskie, and all Twins past and present,” said a jubilant Lynch before heading to the TouchTunes machine.

 

Ryan downed her shot, sighed, and followed him.

 

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[ashbury]

Hey! Next time, mark the subject line with "SPOILERS!!!" or something. You just ruined my weekend, chump.

[gil4]

 

 

The Twins go on the road this weekend to play three games against the New York Yankees. Their recent, and frankly not-so-recent record against New York is…suboptimal.

“They haven’t beaten the Yankees in New York in 100 years,” said Ryan. “I don’t even think I’m exaggerating that much. And they aren’t just regular losses. Just gutpunch after gutpunch after gutpunch.”

It's a new year. Things will be different...

 

 

[psturnbloom]

This is hilarious

[USAFChief]

Local moderator debates telling TDers the Jays have signed Jose Bautista to a 3 day contract ... guess which 3 days?

[Don't Feed the Greed Guy]

...as Lynch stumbled toward the juke box, Ryan decided to break the news, as gently as she could,

"Hey, do you remember who played left field for the Yankees back in 2009?"

Lynch swung around, steadying himself on a nearby pool table. His eyes were wide, almost sober, as he mumbled,

"Yeah, Johnny 'The Caveman' Damon. But Melky Cabrera moved from center to left in the second game of the ALDS when Brett Gardner... What's your eff'ing point?"

[David HK]

She forgot to mention that left field for the Yankees that night was manned by Melky Cabrera AND Phil Cuzzi...