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  • NASA: Newly Discovered Asteroid Will ‘Definitely’ Land on Byron Buxton


    RandBalls Stu

    'It’s not an existential threat to all human life but Byron is for sure going to be out indefinitely.’

    Image courtesy of © Joe Nicholson-USA TODAY Sports

    When NASA astronomer Steve Bland observed a new asteroid hurtling through space earlier this month, he was alarmed. The object was clearly on a path that would send it directly towards Earth. “Obviously, that’s a nightmare scenario,” said Bland. “Even a relatively small object could wreak havoc on the impact area.”

    Further study relieved Bland and his co-workers when it was determined that the asteroid, named 2021 SB, would disintegrate rapidly upon entering the planet’s atmosphere. However, there was one note of concern.

    “Just from following the course it’s travelling through our solar system, there is zero doubt in my mind that it’s definitely going to land on top of Minnesota Twins center fielder Byron Buxton,” said Bland.

    It’s estimated that 2021 SB will be the size of a golf ball once it reaches Buxton and will likely end its grand celestial journey on his throwing shoulder or right big toe.

    “I can’t say I’ve ever seen anything like this before,” admitted Bland. "Most asteroids do not target individuals."

    The Twins say they’ve been notified by NASA of the situation.

    “It’s not an existential threat to all human life but Byron is for sure going to be out indefinitely,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “We spoke with Byron and he’s as disappointed as we are.”

    Officials say the asteroid will likely reach Buxton immediately after his left hand is fully healed from the fracture suffered during Monday’s game versus Cincinnati.

    “2021 SB actually appeared to slow down on Monday evening,” said Bland. “It was on pace to get here on Wednesday but now looks like it’s taking its sweet time. Yes, that’s unusual.”

    Although Bland didn’t want to speculate on the actual date, time, and location, sources close to the team say they expect the space object to injure Buxton on his first day back with the Twins or on a St. Paul rehab assignment when he’s signing autographs for impressionable young children.

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    Tsk. Tsk.

    Space debris has no guidance system. I think someone is mixing up cause and effect here.

    To paraphrase Count Rugen, Buxton's over-developed sense of fielding is going to get him into trouble some day.

    And tell me, who else could run down a meteor before it became a meteorite? (amirite?)

    (And just how did Vicini sign both Inego and Fezzig on the free agent market?! We should be taking notes!)

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