Teres Major: What to Know about Muscle That Hates Your Favorite Team

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of Elsevier

Chances are, you'd never heard of the teres major until it ended Joe Ryan’s season last year. Now, after just barely putting that nightmare behind you, the same injury to the same muscle is sidelining Pablo López for most of the summer.

What gives?

Here’s all we know about this heretofore obscure part of the human body.

WHERE IS IT? This little guy is attached to the shoulder blade and humerus, hard by the deltoid and the dreaded rotator cuff.

IF THERE’S A TERES MAJOR, IS THERE A TERES MINOR? Yes. It’s part of the rotator cuff, unlike the teres major.

DOES IT ONLY HATE MINNESOTA TWINS FRONTLINE STARTING PITCHERS? Yes. Sure, Max Scherzer had a teres major injury a couple of years ago, but he’s got that different-colored eyes thing. Outliers exist, as does the Injury Gods’ long-running hatred of Twins baseball.

WHY CAN’T THEY JUST GO IN AND FIX IT? I HAVE TIME, I WATCHED THE PITT, I CAN BRING SODAS. Thank you for that offer, but there’s no surgical way to “fix” a strain of this muscle, per the American Journal of Sports Medicine. Rest, anti-inflammatories, and physical therapy are the agreed-upon treatments for this rare injury that targets Minnesota Twin All-Stars like they just abducted Liam Neeson’s daughter or something.

IS IT SOMETHING I DID WRONG? No. You’re rooting for the team you grew up with. Your parents, who decided to live and work here? That’s another story. Dale and Rhonda have a lot to answer for. This is why therapy is so important.  

IS MY FAMILY SAFE? We're going to level with you: They are not. 

WHAT KIND OF ACTIONS CAN I TAKE TO PROTECT MY FAMILY? Overhand throwing is the most likely way to inflict grievous bodily harm, outside of building and piloting your own submarine. Have your loved ones considered placekicking?

WHEN WILL THE HURTING STOP? In specific, concrete terms, López can’t throw a baseball for four weeks before beginning the rehab process. In more metaphorical terms, it ends whenever any of the major local teams hangs a banner. The Minnesota Lynx carry an unimaginable burden right now.

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[Western SD Fan]

Missed an opportunity to suggest an underground bunker for the family to escape, without you in it, as a possible safety precaution.  

[The Great Hambino]

If you had asked me a week ago, I'd have thought teres major was a constellation

[LewFordLives]

All we can do is laugh. It's either that or cry.

[twinstalker]

Bones McCoy could fix it.