Chuck Klostermann's HYPERtheticals

[Vanimal46]

 

35,000 just isn't enough to be a total slob for two months for me.

Sounds like you may be on the fence... What if Dove bumped it up to $50k?

[Squirrel]

Ugh. I must be the wussiest person on the planet because for no amount of money could I do this. I guess after a while you wouldn't smell yourself ... or how bad you smell ... and maybe I could do that part of it, but the teeth? No, ugh, no. And why would teeth be included in this anyway? Since when does Dove make dental hygiene products?

 

The shampoo thing ... yeah, I've read that before. I don't wash my hair every day, but I do about every 3rd day in winter, every other in summer. I play a lot of tennis and sweat a lot ... I can't not wash my hair less. Ick.

[Mike Sixel]

 

Ugh. I must be the wussiest person on the planet because for no amount of money could I do this. I guess after a while you wouldn't smell yourself ... or how bad you smell ... and maybe I could do that part of it, but the teeth? No, ugh, no. And why would teeth be included in this anyway? Since when does Dove make dental hygiene products?

 

The shampoo thing ... yeah, I've read that before. I don't wash my hair every day, but I do about every 3rd day in winter, every other in summer. I play a lot of tennis and sweat a lot ... I can't not wash my hair less. Ick.

 

I still wash it every day......it's about using soap on it unnecessarily, imo.

[Craig Arko]

Can I just fetch them a Morlock? They can give me the 35K and I'll be long gone before dinner time.

Edited February 25, 2016 by Craig Arko

[Squirrel]

 

I still wash it every day......it's about using soap on it unnecessarily, imo.

And now that we've shared our hygiene routines with the world ...

 

NEXT!

[TheLeviathan]

 

Sounds like you may be on the fence... What if Dove bumped it up to $50k?

 

Heh...maybe.  I think in my profession that might be a really bad thing.

 

Now had you offered that to me when I was 16 I might have done it for 50 cents.....

[formerly33]

 

I'm not doing that for any price. And a mere 35k? C'mon, Van. No way am I stepping out of the house for any reason while I'm that filthy, even to work. I can think of much better ways to make that much money, especially considering the time frame of two months of growing dirty plus two years of cleaning up again (taking into account the time it'll take for said Dove Hair & Body Wash to restore my teeth back to their previous condition, and after the experiment is finally over, a huge dental bill to pay).

 

That said, Dove can just go corral Pigpen for all I care. It doesn't look like his parents have bathed him in his entire six or so years of existence.

 

http://www.peanuts.com/wp-content/themes/desktop-theme-peanuts/images/characters/main-pigpen.png

 

[Craig Arko]

Now that zombie cells exist,

 

http://www.giantfreakinrobot.com/sci/scientists-create-zombie-cells-poorly.html#CcSDUF0r5Pg4dgMh.01

 

Where do YOU go for the zombie apocalypse? For those who like statistics, here is some advice:

 

http://www.sciencealert.com/statisticians-have-determined-the-safest-hideout-for-a-zombie-apocalypse

[Vanimal46]

Well one good thing that came out of this is now we know the people we write to on this forum are clean, civilized people....

[TheLeviathan]

I've always told my wife that my grandparent's cabin on a not-popular lake up north would be the perfect spot.  Fresh water and a food source readily available and away from major population centers.

 

Plus, I can't imagine zombies move much in a Minnesota winter.

[Hrbowski]

 

Ugh. I must be the wussiest person on the planet because for no amount of money could I do this. I guess after a while you wouldn't smell yourself ... or how bad you smell ... and maybe I could do that part of it, but the teeth? No, ugh, no. And why would teeth be included in this anyway? Since when does Dove make dental hygiene products?

 

The shampoo thing ... yeah, I've read that before. I don't wash my hair every day, but I do about every 3rd day in winter, every other in summer. I play a lot of tennis and sweat a lot ... I can't not wash my hair less. Ick.

Just think of the poor guys in combat.

[Hrbowski]

For the Zombies I think I would go to a bog in either Canada or Minnesota. Bogs are absolutely lovely places.

[formerly33]

 

Well one good thing that came out of this is now we know the people we write to on this forum are clean, civilized people....

Wait, what? We're jumping from "not as dirty as Pigpen" to "clean, civilized people"?

[Vanimal46]

Before I answer the zombie question, can I get a clarification? What kind of zombies are we dealing with? The shuffling, mindless kind of zombie, or the ridiculously fast, climb over walls kind of zombie? Your answer will significantly influence my answer...

[Vanimal46]

Wait, what? We're jumping from "not as dirty as Pigpen" to "clean, civilized people"?

You're right Always, that may be too big of an assumption to make. We all have different standards of clean.... I like to believe we all brush our teeth every now and again.

[Craig Arko]

I suppose plan for either type. You never know for sure.

[Craig Arko]

In the end, I probably go to the Pub and party until the end. This is another of those '20 years ago, my answer would be different' sort of things.

[Vanimal46]

For the zombies that are mindless shuffling machines, that's going to give me more time to come up with a plan... I live in an area with lots of bars and restaurants, so I'm holding up shop in there while I wait for the zombies to arrive. While I wait, I learn how to be a true Texan: shoot first, ask questions later. I'll have food, booze, and water from the bars and restaurants, and sleep on a booth seat behind the bar.

 

For the zombies that are freakishly fast, I'm running as fast as I can. I'd have to some how Macgyver a defense mechanism on the front of my SUV with hockey sticks to hold off those zombies... As much as I'd hate to do it, I'd have to get the hell out of the city, and find a place in the sticks of Texas until the apocalypse settles down some.   

[biggentleben]

I've got a baseball one for the group.

 

You're visited in the night by the baseball gods, and they grant you to choose any two tools from any baseball player in history. These would be matched in you, but you would start at 18 in rookie ball with those tools and essentially 30 grades on everything else involved with the game. Those tools will remain only as long as the big leaguer had a MLB career, so you're gambling a current player to play a long time if you choose him over a past player with an established time line.

 

Which two tools do you choose, and from which two players?

[Mike Sixel]

 

I've got a baseball one for the group.

You're visited in the night by the baseball gods, and they grant you to choose any two tools from any baseball player in history. These would be matched in you, but you would start at 18 in rookie ball with those tools and essentially 30 grades on everything else involved with the game. Those tools will remain only as long as the big leaguer had a MLB career, so you're gambling a current player to play a long time if you choose him over a past player with an established time line.

Which two tools do you choose, and from which two players?

 

bonds hit and power. Easy. I can DH for over a decade. 

[TheLeviathan]

I think I'd love to have had Ricky Henderson's career, but I'm not sure you can boil that down to just two skills.

[formerly33]

Nolan Ryan's arm + stamina, I guess. Though I don't know if they generally chalk up the latter as a "tool" ...

[Vanimal46]

Aroldis Chapman's velocity and Greg Maddux's control. I could be a shut down closer or ace starter for 15+ years.... 

[Craig Arko]

Jim Thome's charm, and Brad Radke's grit.

[Vanimal46]

 

Jim Thome's charm, and Brad Radke's grit.

I was hoping you'd say Nick Punto's determination for sliding head first into 1B....

[Mike Sixel]

Danny Valencia's appeal to the women in the crowd, and David Price's money?

 

Like, is that an option?

[Craig Arko]

 

I was hoping you'd say Nick Punto's determination for sliding head first into 1B....

That would be next, along with Bob Gibson's penchant for chin music.

[Craig Arko]

 

Danny Valencia's appeal to the women in the crowd, and David Price's money?

 

Like, is that an option?

You hound dog, you.

[biggentleben]

 

bonds hit and power. Easy. I can DH for over a decade. 

 

I thought that the hit and power route could be a way to go, but with interleague so frequent now, even David Ortiz is better than a 30 fielder, and a 30 speed guy is basically your guy who never takes an extra base or steals a base due to a lack of speed, so you may not be playable that long. Plus, Bonds was more eye than hit, really.

[biggentleben]

 

Nolan Ryan's arm + stamina, I guess. Though I don't know if they generally chalk up the latter as a "tool" ...

 

I should have clarified that part. For the pitching end, I'm using the more traditional four pitch "tools" and command/control "tool" as the five pitching tools. For hitting, the traditional hit, power, run, arm, field.