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The local chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America called Minnesota’s mascot “an abomination” and “good with kids.” Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa On a day when Sonny Gray took home MVP honors and Royce Lewis was named Rookie of the Year, the Minneapolis chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America set aside a special honorific for another Minnesota Twins employee. “We’d like to congratulate, if that’s even the right word for it, T.C. Bear on being the team’s Most Fearsome Man/Bear Hybrid,” said the Star-Tribune’s Phil Miller. “His existence is an affront to creation, to life itself. Kids at Target Field seem to like him, though.” The BBWAA usually hands out standard postseason honors for on-field performance, plus special awards for Leadership and Media Good Guy (Carlos Correa and Pablo Lopez, respectively). It’s unclear what drove them to include a special award for the veteran Twins mascot, but they didn’t hold back on their opinions. “I straight up do not like him,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “His dead, lidless eyes are beyond reason. They know neither love nor hate, only hunger. He is from hell, and to hell he should return. Still, it’s hard to deny that he makes families and church groups feel welcome.” “Fear is a strong word,” said the Pioneer Press’ Betsy Helfand. “But one of the clubbies (clubhouse attendants) accidentally touched TC’s T-shirt cannon once. TC came up to him, whispered in his ear, and the clubbie stormed out of the locker room. He never came back. “But that’s not the weird part,” she added. “One of the Target Field security guards saw him leave in his car. She swears she saw TC in the back seat. Which is impossible. TC was launching souvenirs into the third deck at that exact moment. They checked security footage of the lot. It was just static. The entire day. Static. “Fear is a strong word. But it’s apt.” “Edgar Allen Poe wrote, ‘Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality,’” said MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park. “I was on Jeopardy.” Ryan Jeffers, who took home the Most Improved title, was asked his thoughts on TC Bear. “One thing you need to know is that you’re never the first one at Target Field,” said the Minnesota catcher. “TC is there. Sitting cross-legged on the mound. Looking straight ahead. But not looking at you. Almost like he’s looking through you. “But that’s not the weird part,” he added. “You look away, then look back to the mound, and he’s gone. Then you feel his hot, rancid breath on your neck. He tells you that he, and he alone, knows the day and hour of your death. Then he takes pictures with a local marching band.” TC Bear is the first recipient of a special honor from the local BBWAA chapter since former Twin Roy Smalley was given the Lifetime Achievement, Hair award in 2017. Image license here. View full article

Some people are responsible for the Minnesota Twins playoff run ending. Some are more responsible than others. Here are seven of them. Image courtesy of Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports In the wake of a season-ending 3-2 loss to the Houston Astros, it’s important to note how wildly successful this year was for the Minnesota Twins. Ending a decades-long playoff drought, running away with a bad division in the second half, the rise of young stars like Royce Lewis and Ed Julien. But. As noted by a friend of mine, the season ends badly for every playoff team except one. Minnesota is not that one. So before the hurt and frustration wear off and the anticipation for building on the successes in 2024 begins, let’s vent one last time. Here are the things I'm still angry about on Friday. The offense. My god, fellas. I know we’re all (correctly) furious at the next group on this list, but even Rob Deer thinks you strike out too much. Hit the ball! Make them play defense! Please! The umpires. As a Minnesotan, you have two divine rights: To say where you were and what you were doing during the Halloween Blizzard of 1991; and Hold a seething, unfathomable rage against professional sports referees. Would it surprise you to learn that Wednesday’s home plate umpire blew the biggest call of the game in Houston’s favor? Of course not! You just saw another Minnesota team get worked over by the refs in deference to their sport’s defending champions last Sunday. ‘Twas ever thus. And the second you notice it, much less complain about it, some smug [redacted] will say the mistakes balance out and good teams overcome it. My response, honed by years of careful observation and hard-won experience, is this: No they don’t and [redacted] you, [redacted]. Byron Buxton’s body. Anyone who watched him try to run this year, and his admitted mental struggles with the DH role, knew a Kirk Gibson moment was wildly unlikely. The soft pop-up on Wednesday was, sadly, the appropriate end to his nightmare of a year. One of the most gifted athletes you’ll ever see in your life, constantly betrayed by his own body. The six biggest what-ifs of 2023 are as follows: Healthy Byron Buxton. Healthy Carlos Correa. Healthy Royce Lewis. What would the Twins have done without Michael A. Taylor? What would Game 5 in Houston have been like? (I honestly think the Twins win, that's how in the tank I am for Pablo.) Cutting the cord on Joey Gallo in June instead of September. Regression. As Sonny Gray or anyone who crammed for an accounting final will tell you: Math is cruel. Regular prices at Target Field. The family values sections, where you could get relatively cheap popcorn and Budweiser, didn’t exist for the playoffs. How are people on a budget supposed to be super loud and verbally abuse the opposition without cheap beer and salty snacks? Speaking of which… Arguing about how loud/not loud Target Field crowds are. If you thought Target Field crowds were plenty loud prior to 2023, the raucous, ear-splitting noise that literally assisted the biggest play of Game 2 versus Toronto should make you reassess. Admit you’re wrong! Apologize to Dan Hayes! He's a sweet, gentle boy! Bullpen games. I’m actually OK with Rocco’s quick hook of Joe Ryan and the plan in general. But I’m not OK with the pace of play when you’re hauling in new pitchers every inning. This is more of an aesthetic complaint than a strategic one. The pitch clock is the best pace-of-play innovation in baseball since they stopped putting amphetamines in the coffee. And with that, I would like to thank the 2023 Twins for being good enough that it was challenging to make fun of them every Friday. They were fun! View full article

Wayne, Carl, Kent and others let down their guards, lace up their New Balances, and let us know their thoughts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alexander Grey You’ve read all the reactions from local sportswriters and watched the Gray/Correa pickoff play 75 times. Is there anything new to learn about the Twins' first playoff series victory since 2002? We asked some local stepfathers their thoughts. Wayne Corcoran, Lino Lakes: Does anyone who works there know that all that champagne isn’t coming out of the carpet? It’s all gonna soak into the fabric and the pad, and that’s how you get fruit flies. And after that comes the black mold. It’ll be a pretty penny to get all that taken care of. Carl Wenner, Madelia: We left after the 6th inning to beat traffic and get out of Scaryapolis before it got dark out. Lance DeWald, Kimball: Getting these games done early on a school night. Man, that’s the dream, tell you what. Me and Ma had a nice supper and watched Blue Bloods before calling it a night. Terry Kinser, Shoreview: Man oh man, I wish I had the tarp contract for all these celebrations. I bet they make a pretty penny selling that in. Bruce Lindberg, Hutchinson: I listened to the game on my garage AM radio while my stepsons Kyler and Kody played Call of Duty for 12 hours in the living room. I tried to tell them the Twins won, and they called me a series of vile slurs, each one worse than the last, before demanding more pizza rolls from my beautiful third wife, Pam. Leon Mason, Hudson, WI: Had a couple guys asking if they could knock off early to go watch the game. Told them that we play to the whistle here at Renaissance Adult Video Superstore and not to expect them to have their jobs waiting for them if they left. Anyway, they left. People don’t want to work anymore. Kent Anderson, Lakeville: Hockey players wouldn’t celebrate after winning a 3-game series. They wouldn’t even celebrate after winning the Cup. It’s a team sport, maybe these prima donnas haven’t heard of it. None of my kids talk to me. Jim Burgmeier, Eyota: I don’t really pay attention to sports. When the civil defense system uses the tornado sirens to activate the 5G microchips in our bloodstream, sports are how The Regime distracts you. Not me. Always vigilant. Jim Burgmeier, out. Thom Mortenson, St. Paul: Jack Morris pitched ten innings in Game 7. He’s from St. Paul. So is Paul Molitor. St Paul. Dave Winfield. Joe Mauer. Vulcans. St. Paul. Lyle Tersteeg, Bird Island: Went to the game, saw they had a whole bunch of guys dragging the infield every three innings. What the heck kinda deal is that? Down at the park, we get Jer to do that on Big Mike’s old riding lawnmower and he gets that done lickety split. We oughta ship Jer to Target Field and save them a pretty penny. View full article

“Their playoff losing streak is formidable,” said Cuzzi. “I’d like to help keep it going.” Image courtesy of © Darren Yamashita-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins are about as set to break their record-breaking playoff losing streak as they could possibly be. Excellent starting pitchers, a young lineup that was in daycare when the losses began mounting, and an early clinch to get their rotation set and ailing starters rehabbed for Game 1 of the ALDS. Umpire Phil Cuzzi can’t wait to turn those expectations into a weeping, caterwauling sadness. “It’s funny how you hear teams say, ‘they control their own destiny,’” said Cuzzi, whose infamous botched call of a Joe Mauer hit in the 2009 ALDS changed the course of that series and helped continue what is now an 18-game playoff skid. “No one controls their own destiny. That’s why it’s called destiny. And to be very clear, I control the Minnesota Twins destiny, should I choose to.” Although crews have not been announced for the upcoming wild card series, Cuzzi has let his fellow umpires know he’s ready to step in and step on the neck of any Twins rally. “Their playoff losing streak is formidable,” said Cuzzi, smiling while stroking a hairless cat and wearing a burgundy smoking jacket. “I’d like to help keep it going.” When told that many local fans blame him for the worst loss in that 18-game stretch, Cuzzi declined to take credit. “It’s a team game, period,” said Cuzzi. “Many hands make light work. It wasn’t me who told them to start an Uber driver in 2019. It wasn’t me who told Torii Hunter to swan dive for that liner in 2006. Phil Cuzzi didn’t say, ‘Hey, let’s have Joe Nathan throw 100 [expletive] pitches in relief’ in 2004. Everyone must do their job for something this beautiful to take place.” Cuzzi drew the ire of the Twins earlier this season when he helped the Los Angeles Dodgers defeat the Twins by extending Alex Kirilloff’s strike zone to both dugouts. “Oh, right, the Dodgers game,” said Cuzzi, chuckling. “Sometimes you want to sharpen your skills during the regular season. They needed a reminder that, should they be so lucky as to return to the postseason, I could end them with a mere strike call. “There’s nothing they can do. There’s nothing you can do. I look forward to reminding everyone when the time comes.” View full article

The team says they are as surprised and concerned about what this means as everyone else. Image courtesy of Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer / USA TODAY NETWORK The cosmically unlucky Minnesota Twins did not lose any key players to injury in Wednesday’s 5-3 comeback win over the Cincinnati Reds. Thursday’s off day provided no breaking news of a bus accident, hotel room mishap, or tanning bed malfunction, running the team’s streak of health to two days. Team sources say they’re as concerned as the fans are. “We don’t know what it means, either,” said acting manager Jayce Tingler. “Does that mean we’ll have two injuries on Friday? Did the 22 guys we have rehabbing in Saint Paul get lost at Union Depot? How do you file a missing persons report for that many dudes?” “We’re not foolish enough to believe that we’ve had 48 straight hours of positive health news,” said a front office source. “Sonny Gray could be at the bottom of an elevator shaft right now with no cell phone service. I just texted him and he said he wasn’t, but what if that’s just what he wants us to think?” The Twins, fresh off losing stars Carlos Correa on Monday (10-day IL) and Royce Lewis on Tuesday (no timeline), know they can’t afford to let their guard down even with the confusing onslaught of uneventful injury news. “Failure to prepare is preparing to fail,” said catcher Ryan Jeffers. “We have a ‘next man up’ mentality because the guy in front of us is usually falling down due to cramping, muscle strains, compound fractures, cholera, diseases that only pirates and werewolves get.” “I like The Grateful Dead,” added starting pitcher Joe Ryan. NOTE: This story was filed before Thursday’s St. Paul Saints game vs. the Toledo Mud Hens. The pilot of the zeppelin that crash landed on the field, injuring Chris Paddack, Byron Buxton, Joey Gallo, Brock Stewart, and Nick Gordon and only those five men, has not been identified. View full article

Many readers may not remember a world where the Minnesota Twins put the finishing touches on a satisfying playoff victory. Fortunately, Twins Daily has access to a host of seasoned fans and codgers who can tell you about the strange world of October 5th, 2004. Image courtesy of Flickr/Alan Tarkus I’m going to say it: the Twins are going to win the AL Central and make the playoffs this year. This is great! Unfortunately, once they clinch, the conversation will immediately turn to Minnesota’s incredible playoff drought. This isn’t great! That said, some of you may wonder what the world was like on October 5th, 2004, when Johan Santana went to Yankee Stadium, scattered nine hits over seven innings, and defeated New York 2-0. As an Old, let me tell you what it was like. The upcoming home games in the playoff series would be played in the Metrodome, a beautiful, multipurpose dump that stood where US Bank Stadium is today. It kind of sucked, and I miss it every day. Target Field was still a parking lot. The North Loop still had cheap rent. There weren’t any iPhones yet. They were three years away. You texted your friend about what kind of jail Phil Cuzzi should be in after Game 2 on a Blackberry like everyone else did. You texted this because Twitter wasn’t a thing yet and Facebook was just getting started on college campuses. Maybe you poked somebody else at Stanford about Jacque Jones, but I really doubt it. Why would you do that. To read a thorough recap of the game, you could wander over to aarongleeman.com. This was the week the Strib featured AG and Twins Daily co-founder John Bonnes in one of those clickbait photos that the media relied on in 2004. Gleeman picked the Twins to beat the aging Yankees in five games. It seemed like a good idea at the time. By the way: You might think all the players in Game 1 would have retired by now. WRONG. Lew Ford just wrapped up another season with the Long Island Ducks. If you were going to quote Netflix-and-chill unquote between games 2 & 3, you would have to play the long game of renting a physical DVD and getting it from the US mail 2-3 days later. They wouldn't introduce streaming until 2007. The DVD was probably an American Pie sequel or Lord of the Rings. The Minnesota Vikings were on a bye week after starting the 2004 season 2-1. They would go on to a disappointing 8-8 regular season, back their way into the playoffs, and thrash Green Bay at Lambeau Field as Randy Moss mortified Joe Buck with the “disgusting act” of…wiggling his butt. ALSO: Daunte Culpepper is undefeated at Lambeau Field in the playoffs. Compare his perfect 1.000 winning percentage to Aaron Rodgers’ .636. Love you, Daunte. ALSO ALSO: The Vikings Love Boat scandal would occur exactly one year and one day after the last Twins playoff victory. The number one movie in the country was Shark Tale, an animated comedy featuring the voices of Will Smith, Robert De Niro, Angelina Jolie, Jack Black, and many, many others. My kids had this DVD. I remember less than nothing about this film. The number one song in the country was "Goodies," by Ciara ft. Petey Pablo. Ciara is now married to veteran Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson. ALSO: Russell Wilson was a high school sophomore the last time the Twins won a playoff game. The game was played the same day as the only Vice Presidential Debate of 2004. The less said about both participants the better. Also that day, three Americans won the Nobel Prize in physics for discovering asymptotic freedom in the theory of the strong interaction. In layman’s terms, this is why Byron Buxton can’t stay healthy. ALSO: Byron Buxton was 10 years old when this game was played. Twins analyst Glen Perkins was a junior at the U. Walker Jenkins wasn’t born yet. ER was still airing new episodes. ER! The first episode of ER aired in 1994. Scott Erickson threw a no-hitter that year against a Brewers lineup that contained Brian Harper. The big musical act at the recently completed Minnesota State Fair was…Clay Aiken, I guess? American Idol was still a huge deal. People would get real upset if, like, Bo Bice didn’t advance to the next week. So don’t ever let anyone tell you these were the good old days. I was 33 then. My grandparents were still alive. My youngest child was 10 months old. I’m 52 now. My grandparents are long dead. My youngest child is a college sophomore. All things being equal, I’d like to see a win. And don’t put the highlights on a DVD, I don’t have anything to play it with. Image license for incredible photo of Nick Punto diving into first base at the Metrodome like an idiot. View full article

The lanky, shaggy Twins reliever resembles somebody or something. But who? But what? Image courtesy of Matt Blewett-USA TODAY Sports Recent Twins bullpen addition Kody Funderburk stands out for a couple reasons: 1. That name. Kody with a “K” especially. Just a joyful collision of consonants and vowels. 2. That hair. There’s a third reason, actually. He looks like that guy. You know the one. It’s on the tip of my tongue. You know? Him? In truth, Funderburk looks like a lot of things. Here’s what I’ve come up with: The mechanic who takes one look under the hood, shakes his head, and is about to tell you this is going to be expensive and the part is on back order. The guy from your hometown who set the record for most Busch Light Drafts consumed at the 2014 Homecoming after party. “Would have had a couple more if the cops hadn’t showed up,” he says to this day. A friendly scarecrow who comes to life during the annual Cornstalk Festival. A RealTree jacket that was accidentally stocked in the baseball section of the West Fargo Scheel’s. Bass player in a nu-metal band that got very popular in 1999 for a song about being mad at society. He’s embarrassed about the rap verse, too, but the royalties are enough to keep him from needing a real job. Overwhelmed dad in the pick-up line after school, driving a Bondo-ed minivan. The MY KID BEAT UP YOUR HONOR ROLL STUDENT bumper sticker came from the previous owner, he’d scrape it off if he wasn’t going straight to back to work after taking Khloe and Kaydence to their stepdad’s house. Sure would be nice if Gordon could pick them up once in a while, but I guess his job at the courthouse is more important. Sick of Gordon. The entire 2019 Houston Astros bullpen smashed together. A BMX racer who changes his name to Kody Thunderburk for competitions. His mom doesn’t like it. In a coming-of-age movie, he’s the guy who is part of the bully’s friend group, then sees the bully for who he really is, shakes his head, gives the nerd protagonist a bro hug and says, “I always got your back, Brian.” A skateboarder who knows where all the drained pools in your neighborhood are. View full article

'Typical Pohlads, win just enough so you don’t have to take on salary,' said the yokel. Image courtesy of © Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins were primed to improve their team on Thursday, as an unusual number of quality veterans were available via the waiver wire. Their claims were stymied, most notably by AL Central rival Cleveland, who snagged starting pitcher Lucas Giolito and relievers Matt Moore and Reynaldo Lopez. While it may not be enough for the Guardians to catch the Twins, it doesn’t hurt those efforts, and it definitely throws a wrench into any plans the Twins had for improving their bullpen and outfield depth from the outside for a likely postseason series. Local fan and half-drunk bozo Aaron Rylander won’t stand for it, and the 28-year-old wholesale mattress sales associate knows exactly who to blame. “Every year, the boy geniuses (Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey and General Manager Thad Levine) figure out a different way to screw us,” said Rylander. “Last year we traded all our good prospects for the two worst pitchers in baseball. This year, they decide to not only sleep through the trade deadline, but they also tell the team to go out and be just good enough that they’re not bad enough.” Rylander, who was on his seventh beer of the day, tried to explain what he meant, rising unsteadily from his chair, weaving perilously close to the unattended bonfire at his buddy Torpedo’s Gophers/Cornhuskers tailgate party. “You want to know what’s happening? I’ll tell you what’s happening: Ownership didn’t want to spend any more money. Typical Pohlads, win just enough so you don’t have to take on salary,” said the yokel, who goes by PrimeLohse69 on the social media platforms he hasn’t been kicked off yet for truly horrifying TOS violations. Twins Daily asked the Minnesota front office for comment on Rylander’s alcohol-and-internet-fueled claims but has not heard back from them as of this writing. Rylander, a Blaine native, says he’s got a few more things to say about the Twins, Gophers hockey, politics, and the city of St. Paul’s policy on unpaid parking tickets, but that he “really needs to eat something first, chief.” View full article

While we all remain focused on the Twins, let’s not lose sight of the importance of laughing at the misery of others. Image courtesy of © Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports I don’t ask for a lot. But hear me out. As the Twins continue their two steps up, two steps back trek to the weirdest AL Central title ever, let’s look elsewhere. It seemed like the godless Chicago White Sox had finally decided to hit the reset button, firing GM Rick Hahn and VP Kenny Williams on Tuesday. Being unable to compete in baseball’s worst division finally held consequences. This was a signal, perhaps, that come 2024, the Southsiders would finally cease their shambolic ways and compete in what looks to be a winnable division for the foreseeable future. And then Wednesday happened. That’s when Chicago announced they brought back Tony La Russa in a consulting role. La Russa masterminded Chicago’s underperformance the previous two seasons, including getting mad at his own player for hitting a home run, truly one of the finest days in the history of baseball, unwritten rules, and old dudes yelling at clouds. He is, by some estimates, 147 years old. There are no indications from the White Sox that this is anything more than bringing in an old hand familiar with the organization to help in the hiring process for a new leadership team. However. First-year manager Pedro Grifol hasn’t done much to acquit himself, with heaps of clubhouse drama in addition to a wretched, godawful team. It’s fair to argue that no manager could have done much with this assemblage, but…he’s not guaranteed a second year, right? And if he gets the gate in October, do the godless White Sox really want to go with another green, inexperienced skipper, given how 2023 went? Or do they want experience? A World Series Champion, even? For their dirtbag fans. For their stadium named after a crooked mortgage company. For the Tigers and Royals, who deserve to have someone else in the dunk tank. For America. Bring Tony back, Jerry. You know you want to. View full article

The addictive quiz game occasionally features the Minnesota Twins. Here are the best ones to remember. Image courtesy of Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports Like many other sports fans of a certain age, I’ve become entirely too wrapped up in Immaculate Grid. The game, which gives you nine chances to fill nine boxes with players who share something in common on the horizontal and vertical axes, is a golden opportunity to Remember Some Guys. Remembering Some Guys is second nature to people like me, giving us something to do and keeping us from having to confront real emotions or spend time with family. It's never more fun than when you can use a Minnesota Twin. That fun is only enhanced when you can name a Twin who only the real sickos, like the ones who use this site every day, remember. (Please understand this is a compliment and I thank you all for your patronage.) I’ve used these Twins recently, either in team crossover categories or achievement categories (MVP, All-Star, etc.). Feel free to clip and save these for future reference, although considering how many of you are still mad about trading J.J. Hardy for Jim Hoey, I doubt you’ll need it. 20. Bret Boone. Remember when he showed up here, fresh from Seattle, looking like a deflated party balloon? 19. Harmon Killebrew. He played for the Royals in 1975! I had the baseball card! It looked like a practical joke! 18. Dave Engle. An All-Star when the Twins were so talent-bereft that, well, Dave Engle was the All-Star. Also played for the Expos, so you can use him for the Twins/Nationals! Unless you want to use Ben Revere or Denard Span. Live your truth. 17. Tom Brunansky. Don’t use Tom Herr if Twins/Cardinals comes up, use Bruno. [Expletive] Tom Herr. 16. Steve Howe. The late, very troubled reliever had a cup of coffee with the Twins in 1985. 15. Steve Carlton. The Dallas Keuchel of his day! If Dallas Keuchel was also crazy! 14. Joe Niekro. Like Kent Hrbek or Kirby Puckett, he appeared on Letterman but also played for more than one team. 13. Butch Huskey. Any time you can use a guy from miserable twilight of the TK era, you have to. It proves you were there when the only people in the Metrodome were you, the players, and Wally. 12. Danny Ardoin. Like him! He played for four other teams! I don’t even remember him. Baseball Reference better not be lying. 11. J.D. Durbin. The Real Deal! 10. Tony Fiore. The Twins and Rays have a lot of crossovers, but none more pleasing to remember than an honest-to-pete palmballer. 9. Rob Wilfong. Elite mustache. We’re entering the Utility Infielder portion of this list. 8. Jeff Reboulet. If Tom Kelly could choose between his championships or starting a team with nine Jeff Reboulets and going 0-162, he’d choose the latter. 7. Houston Jimenez. What if Joey Gallo still hit .170, but without any power? 6. Nick Punto. You honestly didn’t think I’d leave him off this list, right? 5. Jesse Orosco. The Fernando Rodney of Edwin Jacksons. 4. Jerry Koosman. He’s from Appleton, he’s in the Mets Hall of Fame, and he went to jail. You’ll be tempted to use R.A. Dickey and Tim Teufel, but jail and One of Us matters, dammit. 3. Junior Ortiz. The internet says he played 13 seasons for five clubs, but I know for a fact he was a New Prague hobby farmer who wandered into the Metrodome by accident in 1991, got a job because Brian Harper got on Tom Kelly’s nerves, and won a World Series. Someone tell Wikipedia I feel very strongly about this. 2. Bobby Keppel. He won Game 163! His only major league win! How do you beat that? 1. Jaime Garcia. He only played one game for the Twins, period. That’s how you do it. View full article

‘If they need Al & Alma’s number, I’ve still got it.’ Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports The godless Chicago White Sox have had a memorable 2023 season, even if their reprobate, degenerate fans, all of whom should be in jail, would just as soon forget it. From locker room dissension to on-field underperformance to veteran leaders getting knocked out in front of god and everybody, they’re an epic mess. The 2005 Minnesota Vikings, a team most familiar with scandal and dysfunction, have noticed. “Oh, wow,” said safety Willie Offord. “They’re really going for it. I wonder if any of them have a fake penis.” Running back Onterrio Smith attempted to smuggle the faux genitalia, called a Whizzinator, through airport security in the 2005 offseason. As of this edition of Twins Daily, no White Sox player has done this. "There's still time," said Offord. "Not even September yet." The South Siders have also parted with a slew of veterans, all of whom immediately roasted the team in interviews, reminding one former Viking of the disastrous 2005 trade of Randy Moss. “Randy would give you an honest answer no matter what, especially if he was ornery,” said running back Moe Williams. “Add that to the fact that they traded him for Troy Williamson and Napoleon Harris? No wonder everyone got fired. That the White Sox can even approach that is incredible. I’m impressed.” If there’s one thing that sets the breathtaking dysfunction of the two teams apart, the ex-Vikings all say it’s the lack of a real good sex scandal. “Tim Anderson fighting Yasmani Grandal in the locker room then catching hands in the infield dirt is great, but where’s the aquatic sex party,” asked Bryant McKinnie. “How come none of them are bare-ass naked in the stairwell of a nightclub? You can fight and talk [EXPLETIVE] all you want, but if you’re not making the local newspaper put the word ‘dildo’ on the front page, maybe hold your horses on being truly dysfunctional.” McKinnie’s one-time teammate Fred Smoot agreed. “If they need Al & Alma’s number, I’ve still got it,” said Smoot. “Let’s take this thing to the next level.” View full article

“We’re doing everything we can to not win this [expletive] thing.” Image courtesy of Thomas Shea-USA TODAY Sports The Guardians thought they’d finally done enough. In a season where they barely played offense and lost ace Shane Bieber to injury, Cleveland still could not entirely break away from the AL Central division lead. Trading Amed Rosario for the ghost of Noah Syndergaard didn’t do the trick either. Finally, they parted with Aaron Civale and Josh Bell at the trade deadline, and the early signs encouraged, as the Astros swept and no-hit them over the course of a tjree-game tilt. The Twins were set up to make an early August run and finally put the Central to bed. Unfortunately, Minnesota could only manage one victory over a terrible Cardinals team before Joe Ryan’s struggles continued in a 7-3 loss on Wednesday evening, leaving the Guardians hopelessly looking for answers. (Thursday's game had not been completed when this issue of Twins Daily went to press.) “What more are we supposed to do,” asked a Cleveland front office source. “We’re doing everything we can to not win this [expletive] thing and then your fun little Deadhead goes out and gets shelled. Do something already!” Minnesota has one of the easiest schedules remaining in the entire league and will be getting Royce Lewis back shortly. However, they made exactly one move before the trade deadline, didn’t upgrade clear needs like righthanded power or another bullpen arm, and continue to hover just above .500. Cleveland has noticed. “Good god, have some self-respect,” said the source. “You got swept by the Royals. The Royals! We literally can’t not compete with that. There are no other strings for us to pull. If we burn the stadium down for insurance money, we will go to jail. People will get hurt. We are out of good ideas. Don’t make us win this division. We don’t want it. We don’t need it. Leave us alone.” Things don’t get any harder for the Guardians this weekend, as they travel to Chicago to play the pathetic and godless White Sox. Meanwhile, the Twins host the surprisingly competitive Arizona Diamondbacks. “Remember when the White Sox were supposed to run this division for years,” asked the source. “How about some follow-through on that, fellas? We’re going to win at least one game purely by accident, maybe two. Probably be a half-game out on Monday. I can’t get mad at our players because I don’t know any of their names.” View full article