Why Are the Twins Striking Out So Often?

The Minnesota Twins are on pace to set the record for most strikeouts in one season. If there is one thing that’s been keeping them from separating from the rest of their lousy division, it’s this. Even some pop flies and groundouts are going to move a runner over, get mishandled, etc. Put the ball in play for the love of Tom Kelly.

As for why this is happening, I have some theories:

• Distracted by Joe Ryan’s good looks. He’s a handsome fella. Looks like he should be teaching a yoga class and aligning chakras at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. Says things like, “You’re not the wave, you’re the water.” Smells like coconut oil and an old-growth forest.
• Distracted by Joe Ryan’s entrance music. Most of the walk-up music is hip-hop, contemporary Christian music, and country. Joe’s is “Fire On the Mountain” by your burnout uncle Dean’s favorite band, the Grateful Dead. It confuses them. Where’s the sick beats? Where’s the vague references to spirituality? Where’s the blue jeans? Is this a Weird Al thing? Hard to focus on the 99 mph heater at the knees.
• Confused by preseason fundraiser. There was probably some sort of charity drive in Fort Myers about “Striking Out Plaque Psoriasis” and the players took it very literally. Plaque psoriasis stinks but not like this, man. Not like this.
• Worried Taylor Swift will write a song about them. If you’re a relatively noteworthy man, you don’t want to get sideways with her and be the subject of her next song. Not just because she’s a sharp writer and holds a grudge, but also because a legion of Swifties will burn you to the ground. Why does Joey Gallo whiff at an insane rate? What if “No Body No Crime” is about him? All it takes is one person in one group chat to say, “I heard that’s about Joey Gallo” and you wouldn’t even leave your house. He’s showing up to the ballpark every day and trying his best. Cut him a break between swinging strikes. You’ll have a lot of chances.
• Dollar Dog Night. You go overboard on cheap hot dogs every Tuesday at Target Field, you end up with a tummy ache. So do the players. Hard to concentrate on simple tasks, much less pick up the ball out of an MLB pitcher’s hand. The recovery takes a bit, and next thing you know it’s Tuesday again and the cycle repeats.
• The heat. Folks, it’s just too hot outside. I don’t want to work outside. I definitely don’t want to run at full speed outside. They don’t either. Walk to the plate, either hit a dinger or strike out. Trot around the bases or walk back to the cool comfort of the dugout. Either one’s preferable to running out a grounder.