Twins Pitcher Varland’s Latest Name Change Raises Eyebrows

[RandBalls Stu]

Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland is expected to land in the bullpen, but could pitch his way into the rotation.

Image courtesy of Apple TV+ Press

When Louie Varland changed his name to Louis Varland this spring, it was met with a couple polite chuckles and news stories. His latest first name, however, is causing a much bigger reaction, and more than a little confusion.

The Minnesota native now goes by "Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller" Varland, and has asked media and his teammates to honor this request.

“I don’t… I just don’t know what this is,” Twins manager Rocco Baldelli said.

When asked about the reason for another name change, Varland preferred to keep the focus on the field.  

“At the end of the day, what I want you all to write about is Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland going out there and competing, throwing strikes, and giving the Twins the best chance to get back to the playoffs,” he said. “I hope I can be as entertaining for the fans as The Gorge, a new Apple TV movie starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller, is.”

A front office source with knowledge of the situation said the sports agency that represents Varland has been offering their clients as spokespersons for various entertainment properties.

“We’d heard that they might be used in web ads, things of that nature,” said the source. “I don’t think anyone expected a full name change.”

For Minnesota’s TV and radio personnel, the sheer length of Varland’s new sobriquet presents challenges.

“What the hell is this,” asked Dan Gladden, the color commentator on Twins radio broadcasts. “No. I won’t do it. No.”

While his name might seem unique, Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland is not the only person in camp operating under a new first name. The former David Festa, competing for the fifth spot in the team’s rotation, is repped by the same firm as Varland, and will toe the rubber as MTV’s Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant Festa going forward.

“Huh,” said Baldelli. “Huh.”

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[Hrbeks Divot]

Pure gold.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

Still deciding what i think...

Is that what they'll enshrine him in the hall of fame as?

We may also have to rewrite the who's on first sketch for a modern audience.

[Joe A. Preusser]

Gunderson's Hemmorhoid Cream Preusser likes this article.   

[ashbury]

No need for Falvey to go out and acquire a big name pitcher now.  We've got our guy.

[strumdatjag]

This is similar to the legendary jazz Trumpeter Jazz Trumpeter Louis Armstrong.   During the civil rights battles of the sixties, some of the younger musicians treated him like he was an “Uncle Tom” (because he was an older black man who did not act like the new “hipsters”).   Many jazz musicians and fans stopped calling him LOUIE and called him LOUIS  (apparently a name imparting more respect).   Satchmo himself called himself “LOUIS” in his singing of his hit “Hello Dolly”.   However, long-time friends and associates still called him LOUIE.  
Then we could go on about how Basketball coach BOBBY Knight suddenly  started insisting on being called BOB Knight.   Don’t get me started on Mike or is it Giancarlo Stanton. 
LOUIE Varland should just accept that pro sports is the land of nicknames.  If the player is good, he’ll get a nickname (Puckett is Puck, Hrbek is Hrbie …),  SCOTT always seems to  become SCOTTY, and STEVE becomes Stevie (rarely Steven or Stephen). 
Does he really expect Rocco to refer to him as LOUIS in a post-game interview???? Rocco seems to give nicknames to every player (and most sound much dumber than LOUIE).   Rocco certainly won’t go with Miles Teller Varland.   Accept LOUIE.   
if Royce Lewis regains his hitting stroke, expect Rocco to call him LEWEY too. 

[strumdatjag]

6 minutes ago, strumdatjag said:

This is similar to the legendary jazz Trumpeter Jazz Trumpeter Louis Armstrong.   During the civil rights battles of the sixties, some of the younger musicians treated him like he was an “Uncle Tom” (because he was an older black man who did not act like the new “hipsters”).   Many jazz musicians and fans stopped calling him LOUIE and called him LOUIS  (apparently a name imparting more respect).   Satchmo himself called himself “LOUIS” in his singing of his hit “Hello Dolly”.   However, long-time friends and associates still called him LOUIE.  
Then we could go on about how Basketball coach BOBBY Knight suddenly  started insisting on being called BOB Knight.   Don’t get me started on Mike or is it Giancarlo Stanton. 
LOUIE Varland should just accept that pro sports is the land of nicknames.  If the player is good, he’ll get a nickname (Puckett is Puck, Hrbek is Hrbie …),  SCOTT always seems to  become SCOTTY, and STEVE becomes Stevie (rarely Steven or Stephen). 
Does he really expect Rocco to refer to him as LOUIS in a post-game interview???? Rocco seems to give nicknames to every player (and most sound much dumber than LOUIE).   Rocco certainly won’t go with Miles Teller Varland.   Accept LOUIE.   
if Royce Lewis regains his hitting stroke, expect Rocco to call him LEWEY too. 

Darn it -  I responded to the SATIRE semi-seriously.  Got me!!! Sort of. 

[ashbury]

6 hours ago, strumdatjag said:

Darn it -  I responded to the SATIRE semi-seriously.  Got me!!! Sort of. 

One of the marks of good satire, IMO, is when it occasionally gets taken seriously.  Otherwise it's just a spoof or parody or whatnot.