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Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins endured a long rain delay before Wednesday’s game with the Cincinnati Reds, one which ended early when another storm rolled through and sent the Twins to a 4-2 defeat after six innings of play. For one former Twin, the Reds’ victory also raised some red flags. “I dunno,” said former Minnesota catcher and first-ballot Hall of Famer Joe Mauer, “The kids these days all have potty mouths. If someone says, ‘Cincinnati rain delay,’ I don’t think it’s about the weather, I just assume they’re talking about S-E-X. “That means sex, by the way,” he added in a whisper. Mauer said he first became aware of these double-entendres during his playing days. “[Glen Perkins] and [Justin Morneau] were doing some swears on a road trip like they usually did,” said Mauer. “And Perk says, ‘If you don’t believe me, take a look at urban dictionary dot com.’ I didn’t have a computer on my phone yet, so when we checked into the hotel, I went down to the business center and checked this so-called Urban Dictionary out. My gosh, it was so raunchy that I unplugged the computer and told the front desk that it was haunted.” In fact, a search for “Cincinnati Rain Delay” revealed no hidden meaning behind the phrase. The false alarm relieved the 3-time All-Star, but he’s no less vigilant. “Morneau got me some real nice patio furniture for my birthday last year and said they were from a new brand called Cuck Chairs,” said Mauer. “So my wife and I had some friends over from my kids’ school for a barbecue. She handled the burgers and hot dogs while I got pops for everyone. I told the fellas to go sit in the Cuck Chairs, they’re my favorite, and you can watch my wife go to town on all that meat. They looked at me super weird. “I sent a text to Justin and he just replied with the yellow head man laughing with tears in his eyes. I think that means rude humor? I was pretty steamed,” he added. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Michael Worden The Minnesota Twins roared to life after a miserable 7-13 start on the strength of elite work from the starting rotation, with a 13-game winning streak highlighting the turnaround. Unfortunately, the last couple weeks have seen significant injuries to Pablo Lopez and Zebby Matthews and “mechanical issues” for Bailey Ober. Throw in the continued struggles of Simeon Woods Richardson, and what was once an asset now threatens to derail the season. Can the team make a move to add another starter, or at least shore up a bullpen that’s likely to see even more work on its already full plate? “Would you take a look at this beauty,” said Twins executive vice president Joe Pohlad, referring to the Black Pearl, a sailing yacht featured in Seafaring Dandy, the magazine he was leafing through when asked about potential acquisitions. “Elegant lines, the height of luxury, spa pool, hot tub, a cinema on board. Exquisite.” The Twins remain in the thick of the American League Wild Card standings, but with nine teams separated by only six games for the three berths, even a minor return to their early season doldrums could prove disastrous. “My goodness, the Centurion Nv233 is a speed demon,” said Pohlad, flipping to a feature about watersport boats. “Get about a dozen of those out on Lake Minnetonka on July 4th, show some of those old-timers how we do things around here.” Minnesota’s offense has underperformed all season, but there are signs that slumping stars like Royce Lewis and Carlos Correa are coming around. Would the team consider adding offense to beef up run production, especially with the pitching becoming more of a question mark? “One thing I know for sure is that I’m looking at this V-55 Sport Yacht from Valhalla Boatworks,” said Pohlad, pulling up yachtworld.com on his phone. “Do some deep-sea marlin fishing off the (Florida) Keys in this bad boy, those fish are gonna jump on board just to take a ride.” The Pohlad family continues trying to sell the franchise, with a speculated asking price of $1.7 billion. There have been no indications that they’re willing to take any steps to shore up the current roster, much less take on salary. “Vrooooooom vroooooom brrrrrrrrrrrrr vrooooooooooom,” added Pohlad. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Elsevier Chances are, you'd never heard of the teres major until it ended Joe Ryan’s season last year. Now, after just barely putting that nightmare behind you, the same injury to the same muscle is sidelining Pablo López for most of the summer. What gives? Here’s all we know about this heretofore obscure part of the human body. WHERE IS IT? This little guy is attached to the shoulder blade and humerus, hard by the deltoid and the dreaded rotator cuff. IF THERE’S A TERES MAJOR, IS THERE A TERES MINOR? Yes. It’s part of the rotator cuff, unlike the teres major. DOES IT ONLY HATE MINNESOTA TWINS FRONTLINE STARTING PITCHERS? Yes. Sure, Max Scherzer had a teres major injury a couple of years ago, but he’s got that different-colored eyes thing. Outliers exist, as does the Injury Gods’ long-running hatred of Twins baseball. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST GO IN AND FIX IT? I HAVE TIME, I WATCHED THE PITT, I CAN BRING SODAS. Thank you for that offer, but there’s no surgical way to “fix” a strain of this muscle, per the American Journal of Sports Medicine. Rest, anti-inflammatories, and physical therapy are the agreed-upon treatments for this rare injury that targets Minnesota Twin All-Stars like they just abducted Liam Neeson’s daughter or something. IS IT SOMETHING I DID WRONG? No. You’re rooting for the team you grew up with. Your parents, who decided to live and work here? That’s another story. Dale and Rhonda have a lot to answer for. This is why therapy is so important. IS MY FAMILY SAFE? We're going to level with you: They are not. WHAT KIND OF ACTIONS CAN I TAKE TO PROTECT MY FAMILY? Overhand throwing is the most likely way to inflict grievous bodily harm, outside of building and piloting your own submarine. Have your loved ones considered placekicking? WHEN WILL THE HURTING STOP? In specific, concrete terms, López can’t throw a baseball for four weeks before beginning the rehab process. In more metaphorical terms, it ends whenever any of the major local teams hangs a banner. The Minnesota Lynx carry an unimaginable burden right now. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Tom Hagerty The end of Royce Lewis’s 2024 season and beginning of his 2025 season were thought to have two things in common: Injuries and underperformance. In a startling development revealed on Thursday, there’s now a third thing: Groyce Lewis, Royce’s evil twin brother, who replaced the latter sometime in late July of 2024. “We think the swap happened over the 2024 All-Star Break,” said a front office source with knowledge of the situation. “It’s believed that, at a family reunion celebration, Groyce tricked Royce into entering a room that had ‘HEALTHY HAMSTRINGS, FREE TO USE’ on the door. He’s been stuck in there ever since, with Groyce taking his place on the team.” This bombshell was delivered moments after Minnesota’s 5-0 loss Tampa on Wednesday, when Lewis’s slump was extended to zero hits in his last 24 at-bats. “When we were scouting Royce before the 2017 draft, the only real red flag was the fact that he had an evil twin brother named Groyce,” said the source. “Groyce would often engage in what our scouts describe as ‘plots, schemes, ruses, and machinations,’ often at the expense of his good twin brother, Royce.” Teammates expressed surprise at the revelation but admitted there were signs. “When he tweaked his hamstring in spring training, he made what I can only describe as a sinister laugh,” said Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers. “Straining your hamstring hurts, man. He just cackled, drummed his fingers, and said ‘Everything is going according to plan, you fools, you fools’ while he limped off the field.” “We were on a road trip last year and went out to a restaurant to eat,” said outfielder Matt Wallner. “We’re sitting there, waiting for our dinner, and he asked us out of the blue if we wanted to tie damsels to the railroad tracks afterwards. And he had a handlebar mustache for some reason? Weird.” Team officials say they hope to recover the actual Royce Lewis from captivity before this weekend’s series with Seattle. When asked to comment about his pernicious plan laid bare, Groyce would only say: “I’m an evil twin. This is what I do.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Tom Hagerty Unexpected things happen in baseball. The Minnesota Twins are not immune to it. Indeed, they have too many to name in one blog. A smattering off the top of my head: A palm ball merchant named Tony Fiore throws absolute slop, posts double-digit victories, finishes 8th in Rookie of the Year voting in 2002. Lew Ford gets MVP votes in 2004. Marty Cordova goes on the IL with a tanning bed injury in 2002. Dave Kingman hits a ball out of the Metrodome one day in 1984, Mickey Hatcher turns his ankle the next day trying to catch a stunt ball dropped from the Teflon sky. Bombo Rivera. This year, we add Kody Clemens to the list. A 29-year-old journeyman best known for his famous dad, Clemens was acquired from the Phillies for cash. Not even a low-level prospect. Just cash. With the entire active roster in the sanitarium where Doc Holliday was at the end of Tombstone, Clemens was forced into action and has simply thrived, belting two massive home runs vs. Boston and Baltimore along with Wednesday’s walk-off double versus Cleveland. Which leads any reasonable person to the following spot: Are we correctly (korrectly?) assessing Kodys with a K? Kody with a K allows one to make certain assumptions: He’s not very old—there isn’t a Pope Kody or a Chief Justice Kody. He’s very into motocross or BMX racing. He has hard-won knowledge of Mountain Dew special edition flavors. If he’s notable enough to have a Wikipedia page, there’s a section called “TikTok Controversy.” His recent hit single, “Cold Beers and Chevy Trucks (Song for the Troops),” has been number one on the Billboard Country charts for three weeks. If he’s on ESPN, he’s competing in the Johnsonville Cornhole World Championship, being held in the ballroom of Knoxville’s worst Radisson. And yet, here’s Kody Clemens, keying the Minnesota Twins 13-game winning streak. This is not what Kodys with a K do. Kodys are helping you find what you’re looking for at Bass Pro Shops. Kodys have a pyramid of spent Copenhagen tins in their off-campus apartment. Kodys are at the skatepark where the Pamida used to be. Kodys are your seventh bullpen option. (Sidebar: Kodys are different from Codys. It’s the K, folks. The Suite Life of Zach and Kody simply doesn’t work and everyone knows this. Cody will be at the farmers market this weekend if you need further explanation.) It’s fair to wonder how sustainable this all is. After all, there’s no Kody with a K in the Hall of Fame. There’s never even been a Kody with a K in the All-Star Game. Lesser players have gone on longer heaters than Clemens only to return to obscurity. But he’s done more than enough to make all of us reexamine our priors. Has this Kody with a K shattered our preconceptions of the most professional rodeo-ass name in the English language? The jury’s still out, but in a world where celebrity failsons are a blight on the culture and country, let’s celebrate Kody with a K’s heroic play with a raised can of Rockstar Silver Ice Zero Sugar Energy Drink and a Salt Life long-sleeved t-shirt. He’s earned it. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports This season started like any other for the godless Chicago White Sox: a 4-16 start, general apathy, poor attendance, and our country’s prison system and adult video superstores overrun with fans of the squalid franchise. But two major developments have left many wondering just how godless this horrible team and the clammy perverts that support it are. First, as has been widely reported, the first American Pope was outed as a White Sox fan. Given that the Catholic Church makes a point of ministering to the wretches and the impoverished of the world, it makes a ton of sense. "When Jesus cured the lepers, modern religious scholars say it symbolizes a White Sox fan getting the breathalyzer removed from his Toyota Celica," said Miles Ruffin, OSB, who teaches a course on Eschatology at St. John’s University in Collegeville, MN. "Pope Leo, no doubt, understands this." Second, despite being a stank-ass 14-29 as of this writing, that’s twice as many victories as their doomed counterparts in Denver, with the Colorado Rockies setting a new standard for buffoonery every game. This has left many baseball fans and writers questioning their priors. Are the White Sox still godless? Are their lowlife fans still damned to the furthest corners of the hell they’ve meticulously crafted? It’s complicated, according to two fans of other notorious losers and scoundrels that Twins Daily spoke with. “I’ve seen a lot of bad local sports in my time,” said Jon Marthaler, soccer correspondent for the Minnesota Star-Tribune and someone who went to Gophers football games in the Metrodome of his own free will. “To see the White Sox surpass the futility of the Butch Huskey-era Twins is one thing; to see the Rockies play like they learned the rules five minutes ago is another. “I would without question say the White Sox are still monsters, and their fanbase a cruel reminder of man’s inhumanity to man, but the Rockies… my goodness.” Chrissie Bonnes, wife of Twins Daily founder John Bonnes and Philadelphia native, recalled “The Process” years of her beloved Philadelphia 76ers. “Those teams tanked with intention,” said Bonnes. “From what I’ve seen, the White Sox are actually trying, which is worse. And now another team can’t even clear that miraculously low bar? Much like every child born to two White Sox fans, it’s criminal.” Even people of faith find themselves at a crossroads. “Those with even a passing familiarity with the Bible know that faith is often tested,” said Ruffin. “But to observe such a bleak obscenity as Chicago White Sox baseball, and to realize there are depths below even that? Even after hours of prayer and contemplation, I struggle to understand how a loving God can allow this kind of misery.” View full article

Image courtesy of Missvain/Creative Commons Phil Miller noticed right away. “I dunked a chicken strip in the ranch, expecting some of the dip to adhere to the strip,” said the Minnesota Star-Tribune Twins beat writer. “It simply ran right off. It barely even wetted the strip.” Was this a sub-standard batch of ranch? A new catering company experiencing first-gig jitters? Operator error by a seasoned journalist having an off night at the press box feedbag? As it turns out, it was simply a cost-cutting measure by ownership, as noted by team officials in a raucous Thursday press conference. “Yes, we’ve watered down the press box ranch, per direction from ownership,” said Eli Adams, the team’s Director of Food Services & Dining, shouting to be heard over a ringing chorus of boos from the assembled media. “There is still ample flavor and viscosity for those willing to adjust their expectations.” Multiple sources confirmed the decision to alter the savory dipping favorite had nothing to do with flavor and everything to do with the bottom line. “Once attendance dipped in April, we got word to start adding water to the ranch trough,” said a source with knowledge of the Target Field prep kitchen. “I was told it was necessary to keep the team financially flexible.” The press box traditionally has moderately-priced food offerings available to the journalists covering that day’s game. While it’s occasionally the source of playful griping between the team and the writers, no one was laughing on Thursday. “You may find you need to dredge your protein choice in the dip 3-5 times, rather than the standard one-and-done,” said Adams at the presser. “I would remind everyone here that it sticks much better to the carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in the veggie platter.” “Judas! Judas!” responded The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “We go through roughly 3-5 troughs of press box ranch dressing in an average series,” said the prep kitchen source. “We’ll sometimes exceed that when the opponent is from another ranch-forward town, like Chicago or Milwaukee. “We’re only on our second trough of 2025. The savings are not insignificant.” While the money saved may help the team down the road, those dealing with the here and now are left to pick up the pieces. “If they bastardized the honey mustard or barbecue sauce, it would have barely sent a ripple,” said Miller. “But to dilute the ranch, the inarguable ace of the dipping staff, is another matter entirely. The garden-fresh tang and savory creaminess are simply absent. An atrocity.” “I’ve been a vocal critic of how the Pohlads have handled payroll issues the last two seasons, but this time it’s personal,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I don't even like ranch, but what if this had been sweet-and-sour sauce? What then? What then? "I've never been more angry." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Library of Congress/Public Domain Zebadiah ‘Zeb” Grundy is an old-timey gold rush prospector from the American Old West. He took some time yesterday to answer your questions about Twins baseball. Answers have been edited for clarity and to remove cultural references that would be considered “almost supernaturally racist” to modern sensibilities. Q: What is the deal with the Twins’ pitching staff’s fielding troubles? Have you ever seen anything like this? –Owen S., Maplewood A: GOOOOLLLLLLLD! It’s gold, I tells ya! This is my ticket to the sweet life! No more consarned hardtack and beans, it’ll be steaks and whiskey for me from now on. Just me, my lady, and my horse, watchin’ the sun set from our outdoor washtub. The sample size is small, which just exacerbates the issue, but it seems unlikely that they’ll continue making so many unforced errors. It’s astonishing. Q: Do you think Royce Lewis will be an offensive force when he returns to the lineup, or will his late-season struggles from 2024 continue? –John B., Minneapolis A: WRASSLE-FRASSLE! FOOL’S GOLD! I tells ya, there’s nothin’ that breaks my heart more. Ya spends yer day panning by the riverbank, ya thinks ya strikes it rich, and then it’s nothin’ but a mirage. I’ll be wearin’ a barrel in the poorhouse the rest of me days! I think you have to wait and see with Royce. That was the first actual slump of his career. Plus he’s missed so much of this season already. I’d love to think he’ll be an immediate difference-maker, but I just don’t know. I do know that’s one less Quadruple-A guy in the starting lineup every day, which by itself is an improvement. Q: Do you think Rocco Baldelli’s job is in jeopardy? –Brea B., Chaska A: YEEEEHAWWWWWWW! GOLD! IT’S THE MOTHERLODE! I’M RICH! See you all in the funny pages, I’m on the first train to San Francisco! The screenwriter William Goldman once wrote, “Nobody knows anything.” Which is true. But I do know that if they continue to struggle against opponents who aren’t the White Sox or Angels, someone’s getting the hook. And the owners never fire themselves. Q: Gut instinct: Does this team have the talent to turn things around? –Nick T., Eagan A: NOOOOOOOOOOO! ANOTHER BUST! I’M DEAD BROKE! My last pair of dungarees is in tatters. Got no place to lay m'head. Soon I’ll be just another tommyknocker haunting those fool enough to follow in me cursed footsteps. The pitching seems solid, but this lineup is mostly underperforming or hurt. Maybe if they get healthy in a hurry, it’ll happen. But (Matt) Wallner and (Luke) Keaschall are a month or two away, Lewis and Castro still aren’t back, and, well, it gets late early. View full article

‘Should bring a coat or sweater,’ advised the Hall of Famer. Image courtesy of © Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins continue their first homestand of the season this weekend against the Houston Astros. As they look to build some momentum after a rough 0-4 start, a former Twins great has some advice for fans coming to Target Field. “Gonna be a chilly one this weekend,” observed Joe Mauer, former Twins catcher and first-ballot Hall of Famer. “Bundle up!” With forecasted highs below the average for this time of year, the St. Paul native stressed the importance of layering. “You might think it’s warm in the sun, but you get in the shade and the wind picks up and then you’ve got a cough and a cold the next day,” said the 2009 American League MVP. “Should bring a coat or sweater.” While fans might be excited to wear their favorite Twins ballcap, Mauer said they should reconsider. “Mom would get so steamed when me and Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) would go outside and play catch without our stocking caps on in the spring,” said the six-time All-Star. “’You boys will catch your death,’ she’d say. Plenty of good Twins stocking caps at the store, and your mom will let you watch TV before bed, lol.” Mauer also recommended some warm beverages if you’re attending the game. Just not all of them. “I know they have coffee at the stadium but it always gets me antsy in the pantsy, so I stick to hot chocolate,” said the three-time Gold Glove recipient. “I know Justin [Morneau, Mauer’s former teammate and roommate] used to say people would put booze in their coffee up in Canada where he’s from. Can you even imagine that? I bet that’s not even legal here in the States. “Of course, now that you can get mary jane (slang for marijuana) at Target, who knows,” he mused. “Crazy world.” View full article

The U of M grad student/barista has a closet full of garb from half-forgotten Twins stars, role players, and busts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Caleb Lucas Carter Benjamin can’t decide. “Lots of Twins fans would walk into a thrift store, see a red Ron Coomer Twins jersey for $12, and think it’s the best day of their life,” said the 24-year-old Minneapolis resident. “For me, it’s hell.” Benjamin, an insufferable hipster, added that Coomer jersey to an already substantial collection of off-the-beaten-path Twins garb. Now, the question is whether it gets worn to Target Field for next Thursday’s Opening Day tilt versus the Houston Astros. “The thing is, Coomer was actually pretty good on some super bad teams, and he still does broadcast work in Chicago,” said Benjamin. “It would be so much easier if he sucked or got arrested for swindling widows.” Fortunately for the U of M grad student/barista, his closet runneth over with forgotten Twins of yore. “Someone online, for some reason, was selling a Jaime Garcia shirsey,” said Benjamin, referring to the starting pitcher who hurled precisely one game for Minnesota between trades with St. Louis and the Yankees in 2017. “$7.99 for something priceless. I hadn’t felt that way since walking into the Woodbury Goodwill and seeing three medium Joe May t-shirts. I’m an XL, but I bought all three, anyway.” “My gameworn (Tsuyoshi) Nishioka home jersey is an elite choice. But the last time I wore it to a game, some other wiseass in the Hrbek’s bar had an away one. I didn’t even stay for the end, I just left. Sick of this.” Sources close to Benjamin say a Butch Huskey spring training jersey and a threadbare 1991 Twins World Series sweatshirt autographed by Steve Bedrosian and former Minnesota Timberwolves center Randy Breuer are also in the running for the team’s 2025 Target Field debut. For his part, Benjamin says the final decision will be based more on vibes than merit. “Some people wake up and choose violence. I wake up and choose Kevin Slowey's starter jacket. We'll see how the day plays out.” Image license here. View full article

‘You know as well as I do that once Lewis gets the green light to return, a Cybertruck door will fly off and hit Buxton in the ribs.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/smallbox The Minnesota Twins’ relatively healthy spring training was marred earlier this week when infielder Royce Lewis strained a hamstring, knocking him out of the season opener (and likely a few more weeks beyond that). While it’s far from good news, team leaders say they are ready. “As a team that has been cursed by an absent, laughing god, you have to be able to pivot,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Arguably our two best position players are constantly hurt due to the rigors of the game, the frailty of the human body, and horrible luck. And since we already platoon some other players to maximize favorable matchups, we’re moving forward with an IL platoon for [Lewis and center fielder Byron Buxton].” The manager confirmed earlier media reports that Lewis and his fellow frequent injury-haver would alternate time spent on the team’s injured list. Once Lewis is ready to return, Buxton will take his place with an as-yet-unspecified injury. “You know as well as I do that once Lewis gets the green light to return, a Cybertruck door will fly off and hit Buxton in the ribs,” said Baldelli. “We’re just getting it on the schedule and eliminating the middleman.” Baldelli laughed when asked what he’d do if both players were healthy at the same time. “What would I do if Superman was real,” he responded. “What would I do if pizza didn’t have calories? What would I do if (The Athletic’s Dan) Hayes would just admit that Brock Purdy will never lead a team to a Super Bowl win? We’re dealing with possibilities so far from our lived experience that I reject the premise.” Minnesota opens the season against former Twin Sonny Gray and the St. Louis Cardinals on Thursday, March 27th. Image license here. View full article

The home opener is Thurs., Apr. 4, at 3:10 PM. How are you lying to your boss to attend? Image courtesy of Flickr/Eric Kilby With less than three weeks left before the Minnesota Twins home opener, fans are already preparing. Travel plans, pregame bar meetups, jersey choices—the list goes on. But what are you going to tell your boss? Some reading this might have the luxury of taking a half or full day of paid time off, but many don’t. Now is the time to get your bald-faced lies down. As a wise man once said, “Desperation is a stinky cologne.” Don’t wait until noon on the 4th to develop a half-assed scratchy throat. Prepare your wild untruth now, so you can deliver it with confidence and conviction at the appropriate hour. Some advice: If you’re playing the sick relative card, make sure it’s NOT an immediate family member. People are going to remember that. Aunt Kathryn has the sciatica real bad and we’re holding a benefit dinner for her in the church basement. There, done and dusted. Make the “appointment” on your schedule mysterious enough that they don’t ask further questions. Could be a medical thing you don’t want to talk about. Could be for your kid. It’s none of their business, and they got yelled at about HIPAA by HR that one time. If you’re the one who’s going to be “sick,” start the “there’s a nasty new bug going around” chatter no later than Mar. 20. Water cooler, Slack, email, Teams—bring it up repeatedly. Your neighbor has had it for a week and isn’t getting any better, as far as your co-workers know. The nightmare scenario is flawlessly executing your fabrication, only to run into your boss at the game. Fortunately, the solution remains the same as it’s always been: Look them straight in the eye. Say, “You’re mistaken, I don’t know who that is, and I don’t know who you are.” Call for an usher to remove them from Target Field. Failing that, a new life in a new town with a new name worked for Jon Hamm in Mad Men, and that show won a bunch of awards. Believe in yourself. Image license here. View full article