Twins Bullpen Now Just Guys You Went to High School With

Ashley Magnuson is a Twins fan. And like other diehards, she’s been following the aftermath of Minnesota’s trade deadline demolition closely. But even she was not prepared for what she saw this week.

“I think I went to prom with that guy,” she remarked to her friends on Wednesday as Brooks Kriske closed out Minnesota’s 9-4 victory over Detroit. “And I swear to god the guy earlier in the game was our class president,” referring to Thomas Hatch, who notched the victory in 4 1/3 innings of relief.

While neither Kriske nor Hatch attended Apple Valley High School with Magnuson, the resemblance is uncanny. And they’re not the only ones.

“Noah Davis ran varsity track,” said Magnuson, 29. “Pierson Ohl was in speech club with my cousin. Those weren’t their names then, but you have to believe me. I’m not making this up.”

Despite fellow Apple Valley grads, yearbook photos, and Facebook profiles confirming Magnuson’s suspicions, the Twins and Major League Baseball deny that these are just local suburban dayworkers playing for the league minimum between other gigs.

“These are real players with real backgrounds,” said a front office source. “But the fact that you think we’d be so focused on cost-cutting that we’d hire temps, work with our media partners to plant fictional bios, and then let Josh, Blake, Liam, and Topher play meaningful baseball is simply outrageous.

"I've said too much."

The source then excused himself to apologize in person to the Pohlads for setting the Target Field office air conditioning at 72, instead of the mandatory 79.

After having Thursday off, the Twins return home to play the Kansas City Royals on Friday night. The team is asking fans from Apple Valley and other South River suburbs to consider how bad road construction is on weekends and reschedule any plans to attend.