‘Significant’ Recycling Haul Kickstarts Twins Free Agency

[RandBalls Stu]

‘Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money, folks.’

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Sigmund

The Minnesota Twins freed up some much-needed free agency money this week, thanks to the Jorge Polanco trade. But the real key to overcoming the franchise’s self-imposed offseason austerity could be in that can of Diet Coke you’re holding.

“When we greenlit Operation Walking Distance for our employees, we frankly didn’t know what to expect,” said a front office source. “Asking people to rifle through all the blue bins in their neighborhood on recycling day for aluminum cans is a lot, especially after the budget cuts put an end to Pizza Fridays. But our team stepped up.”

Operation Walking Distance was introduced before the holidays, encouraging all employees, from players to Target Field custodians, to gather aluminum cans for cash value. 

“I was very skeptical at first,” said an employee in the team’s analytics department. “But once those bins are on the curb and the sun goes down on Chanhassen, it’s wide open. Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money on every street and cul-de-sac, especially the house down the block with all the Coors Light empties.”

That home’s owner, Twins Daily co-founder Parker Hageman, declined to comment beyond saying that, “The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer inside is cold, which is awesome. Silver bullets, brother.”

Despite the danger of trespassing or being mistaken for a thief, a team source said there have only been a few incidents of violence. “We’ve had a couple folks get tuned up by unforgiving property owners pretty good, but they were interns. That’s on mom and dad’s insurance, and shattered pelvises heal fast when you're young.”

Sources also say that an Inver Grove Heights family found Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers rummaging through their recycling bin, captured him, and grew to like him so much that they’ve adopted him and named him Butch. “He gets treats whenever he doesn’t make on the carpet,” said one source. “He’s still more of an outdoor catcher, but they let him inside on cold or stormy nights.”

Although a final tally on the total money collected is unconfirmed, a team accountant said they now have enough to take a player and his agent to Chipotle or Panera Bread.

“Just water with your meal, Rockefeller,” added the accountant.

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[Johnny Ringo]

Comedic gold as usual. 

“We’ve had a couple folks get tuned up by unforgiving property owners pretty good, but they were interns. "

The lack of activity by the FO has make the TD writers a little stir crazy.

I fully expect to see a" hot take" article over whether Intern Bob has a better future recycling career than Intern Betty.  

[Original_JB]

Reminds me of the big box they had over at KQRS in the "Pennies For Pitchers" thing I think it was Viola (?) at the time. (picture from KQRS public gallery)

LASSMAN: There was a Twins pitcher holding out for more dough. Everybody hated this guy. We got a big hopper and invited listeners to come down to Golden Valley to throw pennies in this big hopper. Well, the hopper started filling up. People were lined up down the street.

[MMMordabito]

Sending interns to Walt Kowalski's property ... That's a new all-time low for this FO. Might as well setup a GoFundMe for them and channel the money to Jorge Soler.

[Jocko87]

I'll remind everyone that our AA affiliate has a "Garbage Gremlin" that leads a parade of children with garbage bags through the stadium in the 8th inning. Picking up trash is fun!

Of course, the Twins inherited that fine tradition but good ideas flow both up and down.

[BobAzar]

Classic Parker

[Guest]

Our recycling program has recently been eliminated. We live in a rural area and based on our bags in the trash bin approximately half of what now goes to the landfill used to go to the recycler. I don't know how anyone can see the humor in this.

[Original_JB]

On 2/2/2024 at 3:38 PM, Verified Member said:

Our recycling program has recently been eliminated. We live in a rural area and based on our bags in the trash bin approximately half of what now goes to the landfill used to go to the recycler. I don't know how anyone can see the humor in this.

I sorta know what you mean. I have a nephew who does the aluminum can thing (saves them up, cashes in at the metals place in Mpls.); he doesn't poach anywhere, just has everyone in the family save theirs and makes a run every few months. I did some math a while back and it's about a penny a can. Hardly seems worth it (considering we pay the recycling company to take all that stuff), but I got a can crusher and save them up for him. I like to support his initiative, especially for the amount of work he puts into it,  As an aside, where do you live? I can't imagine a community in this day and age eliminating (or even being allowed to eliminate) such programs.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Original_JB said:

I sorta know what you mean. I have a nephew who does the aluminum can thing (saves them up, cashes in at the metals place in Mpls.); he doesn't poach anywhere, just has everyone in the family save theirs and makes a run every few months. I did some math a while back and it's about a penny a can. Hardly seems worth it (considering we pay the recycling company to take all that stuff), but I got a can crusher and save them up for him. I like to support his initiative, especially for the amount of work he puts into it,  As an aside, where do you live? I can't imagine a community in this day and age eliminating (or even being allowed to eliminate) such programs.

We live about 40 minutes west of Sioux Falls. SD. Like I said it is rural. Our nearest neighbor is about a half mile away. We were lucky to have a recycling pickup for 15± years until the collectors figured out that it was not cost effective to include us in their route anymore.