Rare Unwritten Rule Triggers Name Change for Minnesota Twins

[RandBalls Stu]

Team must now go by 'Minnesota Cocaine Dentists' for two weeks.

When the Minnesota Twins took the field against the Los Angeles Angels for the second half of Thursday’s doubleheader, they technically weren’t the Minnesota Twins. In the latest twist involving baseball’s unwritten rules and the franchise, the road team was officially the Cocaine Dentists.

“I’ve been in the game my whole life and this was news to me,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “But we’ve gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches this year, and now it’s up to us to go out there and play Cocaine Dentists baseball.”

The unwritten rule stems from a turn-of-the-century handshake deal between a consortium of team owners and Philadelphia dentist Leo Thurm, who advertised himself as “the leading practitioner of cocaine dentistry and orthodonture in the Delaware Valley.” Thurm and the owners agreed that if any team in the league loses twice as many games as they've won, that team must change its name to Cocaine Dentists if the deciding loss comes in the first half of a doubleheader. When Los Angeles sent the Twins to a 14-28 record on Thursday afternoon, the rule was triggered. The team must now go by the name for the next two weeks.

“As you can guess by the name, there is no written record of this transaction,” said Society for American Baseball Research CEO Scott Bush. “There’ve been whispers of it from guys like (longtime baseball journalist) Peter Gammons, but I don’t think anyone believed it despite it being just as deeply, deeply stupid as all the other unwritten rules. Then Wednesday happens and the Twins are the Cocaine Dentists for a while.”

Cocaine, which is now illegal, was used as an oral anesthetic at the time of Thurm’s practice. Per Bush, it would behoove the Twins to get themselves out of the American League cellar, and not just because of a restless fan base.

“If the any team gets no-hit three times, it’s alleged that the team with the worst record in the league must take the name of Thurm’s other business venture for the remainder of the season,” said Bush. “Seattle, Cleveland, and Texas have all been no-hit twice and it's not even June yet. I don't know that the public is ready for the Minnesota Thurm's Miracle Tincture to Increase Vitality and Good Bodily Humours in Your Colicky Newborn. Also, the tincture in question was just opium cut with Dr. Pepper and more opium.”

As of this writing, Minnesota Cocaine Dentists hats, jerseys, and clothing all sit at number one in the MLB.com online store.

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[Huskertwin]

They won the second game of the doubleheader so I guess they're back to the Twins, pending further results in Cleveland. 

[ashbury]

It is an unwritten rule that when someone breaks an unwritten rule I must angrily denounce ALL unwritten rules. I should know, because I just un-writ this one myself. Grrrr!

[strumdatjag]

If the Twins lost the second game of the double-header, they would have been in violation of the Tom Kelly rule.  He once said -  You are going to win 1/3rd of your games and lose 1/3rd of your games - it’s what you do in that other third that determines your season (or something like that - I’m doing this from my addled memory).  

[TheLeviathan]

Satire about them isn't even able to match the actual silliness of these rules.  Good try though.

[Dodecahedron]

The universe just keeps piling on.

[insagt1]

4 hours ago, strumdatjag said:

If the Twins lost the second game of the double-header, they would have been in violation of the Tom Kelly rule.  He once said -  You are going to win 1/3rd of your games and lose 1/3rd of your games - it’s what you do in that other third that determines your season (or something like that - I’m doing this from my addled memory).  

and I'm sure Kelly stole that from Tommy Lasorda...who said that many years ago....and he probably took it from someone before him. The 1962 Mets (40-120) took that wisdom to task!!?

[Dodecahedron]

5 hours ago, strumdatjag said:

If the Twins lost the second game of the double-header, they would have been in violation of the Tom Kelly rule.  He once said -  You are going to win 1/3rd of your games and lose 1/3rd of your games - it’s what you do in that other third that determines your season (or something like that - I’m doing this from my addled memory).  

The Tigers don't follow this rule. 

I honestly did not realize they were 47-114 in 2019.  Yikes.  I had no idea they flirted so closely with breaking their 43-119 record in 2003.  The Tigers are on pace for 64 wins this year, so the Twins have some competition.  #RoadTo120(Losses)

[MGM4706]

Man Topics must be in short supply to waste space on this article!!

[ashbury]

4 hours ago, MGM4706 said:

Man Topics must be in short supply to waste space on this article!!

We seem to experience that same shortage every Friday! Go figure.