RandBalls Stu

The team says they are as surprised and concerned about what this means as everyone else. Image courtesy of Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer / USA TODAY NETWORK The cosmically unlucky Minnesota Twins did not lose any key players to injury in Wednesday’s 5-3 comeback win over the Cincinnati Reds. Thursday’s off day provided no breaking news of a bus accident, hotel room mishap, or tanning bed malfunction, running the team’s streak of health to two days. Team sources say they’re as concerned as the fans are. “We don’t know what it means, either,” said acting manager Jayce Tingler. “Does that mean we’ll have two injuries on Friday? Did the 22 guys we have rehabbing in Saint Paul get lost at Union Depot? How do you file a missing persons report for that many dudes?” “We’re not foolish enough to believe that we’ve had 48 straight hours of positive health news,” said a front office source. “Sonny Gray could be at the bottom of an elevator shaft right now with no cell phone service. I just texted him and he said he wasn’t, but what if that’s just what he wants us to think?” The Twins, fresh off losing stars Carlos Correa on Monday (10-day IL) and Royce Lewis on Tuesday (no timeline), know they can’t afford to let their guard down even with the confusing onslaught of uneventful injury news. “Failure to prepare is preparing to fail,” said catcher Ryan Jeffers. “We have a ‘next man up’ mentality because the guy in front of us is usually falling down due to cramping, muscle strains, compound fractures, cholera, diseases that only pirates and werewolves get.” “I like The Grateful Dead,” added starting pitcher Joe Ryan. NOTE: This story was filed before Thursday’s St. Paul Saints game vs. the Toledo Mud Hens. The pilot of the zeppelin that crash landed on the field, injuring Chris Paddack, Byron Buxton, Joey Gallo, Brock Stewart, and Nick Gordon and only those five men, has not been identified. View full article

Many readers may not remember a world where the Minnesota Twins put the finishing touches on a satisfying playoff victory. Fortunately, Twins Daily has access to a host of seasoned fans and codgers who can tell you about the strange world of October 5th, 2004. Image courtesy of Flickr/Alan Tarkus I’m going to say it: the Twins are going to win the AL Central and make the playoffs this year. This is great! Unfortunately, once they clinch, the conversation will immediately turn to Minnesota’s incredible playoff drought. This isn’t great! That said, some of you may wonder what the world was like on October 5th, 2004, when Johan Santana went to Yankee Stadium, scattered nine hits over seven innings, and defeated New York 2-0. As an Old, let me tell you what it was like. The upcoming home games in the playoff series would be played in the Metrodome, a beautiful, multipurpose dump that stood where US Bank Stadium is today. It kind of sucked, and I miss it every day. Target Field was still a parking lot. The North Loop still had cheap rent. There weren’t any iPhones yet. They were three years away. You texted your friend about what kind of jail Phil Cuzzi should be in after Game 2 on a Blackberry like everyone else did. You texted this because Twitter wasn’t a thing yet and Facebook was just getting started on college campuses. Maybe you poked somebody else at Stanford about Jacque Jones, but I really doubt it. Why would you do that. To read a thorough recap of the game, you could wander over to aarongleeman.com. This was the week the Strib featured AG and Twins Daily co-founder John Bonnes in one of those clickbait photos that the media relied on in 2004. Gleeman picked the Twins to beat the aging Yankees in five games. It seemed like a good idea at the time. By the way: You might think all the players in Game 1 would have retired by now. WRONG. Lew Ford just wrapped up another season with the Long Island Ducks. If you were going to quote Netflix-and-chill unquote between games 2 & 3, you would have to play the long game of renting a physical DVD and getting it from the US mail 2-3 days later. They wouldn't introduce streaming until 2007. The DVD was probably an American Pie sequel or Lord of the Rings. The Minnesota Vikings were on a bye week after starting the 2004 season 2-1. They would go on to a disappointing 8-8 regular season, back their way into the playoffs, and thrash Green Bay at Lambeau Field as Randy Moss mortified Joe Buck with the “disgusting act” of…wiggling his butt. ALSO: Daunte Culpepper is undefeated at Lambeau Field in the playoffs. Compare his perfect 1.000 winning percentage to Aaron Rodgers’ .636. Love you, Daunte. ALSO ALSO: The Vikings Love Boat scandal would occur exactly one year and one day after the last Twins playoff victory. The number one movie in the country was Shark Tale, an animated comedy featuring the voices of Will Smith, Robert De Niro, Angelina Jolie, Jack Black, and many, many others. My kids had this DVD. I remember less than nothing about this film. The number one song in the country was "Goodies," by Ciara ft. Petey Pablo. Ciara is now married to veteran Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson. ALSO: Russell Wilson was a high school sophomore the last time the Twins won a playoff game. The game was played the same day as the only Vice Presidential Debate of 2004. The less said about both participants the better. Also that day, three Americans won the Nobel Prize in physics for discovering asymptotic freedom in the theory of the strong interaction. In layman’s terms, this is why Byron Buxton can’t stay healthy. ALSO: Byron Buxton was 10 years old when this game was played. Twins analyst Glen Perkins was a junior at the U. Walker Jenkins wasn’t born yet. ER was still airing new episodes. ER! The first episode of ER aired in 1994. Scott Erickson threw a no-hitter that year against a Brewers lineup that contained Brian Harper. The big musical act at the recently completed Minnesota State Fair was…Clay Aiken, I guess? American Idol was still a huge deal. People would get real upset if, like, Bo Bice didn’t advance to the next week. So don’t ever let anyone tell you these were the good old days. I was 33 then. My grandparents were still alive. My youngest child was 10 months old. I’m 52 now. My grandparents are long dead. My youngest child is a college sophomore. All things being equal, I’d like to see a win. And don’t put the highlights on a DVD, I don’t have anything to play it with. Image license for incredible photo of Nick Punto diving into first base at the Metrodome like an idiot. View full article

The lanky, shaggy Twins reliever resembles somebody or something. But who? But what? Image courtesy of Matt Blewett-USA TODAY Sports Recent Twins bullpen addition Kody Funderburk stands out for a couple reasons: 1. That name. Kody with a “K” especially. Just a joyful collision of consonants and vowels. 2. That hair. There’s a third reason, actually. He looks like that guy. You know the one. It’s on the tip of my tongue. You know? Him? In truth, Funderburk looks like a lot of things. Here’s what I’ve come up with: The mechanic who takes one look under the hood, shakes his head, and is about to tell you this is going to be expensive and the part is on back order. The guy from your hometown who set the record for most Busch Light Drafts consumed at the 2014 Homecoming after party. “Would have had a couple more if the cops hadn’t showed up,” he says to this day. A friendly scarecrow who comes to life during the annual Cornstalk Festival. A RealTree jacket that was accidentally stocked in the baseball section of the West Fargo Scheel’s. Bass player in a nu-metal band that got very popular in 1999 for a song about being mad at society. He’s embarrassed about the rap verse, too, but the royalties are enough to keep him from needing a real job. Overwhelmed dad in the pick-up line after school, driving a Bondo-ed minivan. The MY KID BEAT UP YOUR HONOR ROLL STUDENT bumper sticker came from the previous owner, he’d scrape it off if he wasn’t going straight to back to work after taking Khloe and Kaydence to their stepdad’s house. Sure would be nice if Gordon could pick them up once in a while, but I guess his job at the courthouse is more important. Sick of Gordon. The entire 2019 Houston Astros bullpen smashed together. A BMX racer who changes his name to Kody Thunderburk for competitions. His mom doesn’t like it. In a coming-of-age movie, he’s the guy who is part of the bully’s friend group, then sees the bully for who he really is, shakes his head, gives the nerd protagonist a bro hug and says, “I always got your back, Brian.” A skateboarder who knows where all the drained pools in your neighborhood are. View full article

'Typical Pohlads, win just enough so you don’t have to take on salary,' said the yokel. Image courtesy of © Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins were primed to improve their team on Thursday, as an unusual number of quality veterans were available via the waiver wire. Their claims were stymied, most notably by AL Central rival Cleveland, who snagged starting pitcher Lucas Giolito and relievers Matt Moore and Reynaldo Lopez. While it may not be enough for the Guardians to catch the Twins, it doesn’t hurt those efforts, and it definitely throws a wrench into any plans the Twins had for improving their bullpen and outfield depth from the outside for a likely postseason series. Local fan and half-drunk bozo Aaron Rylander won’t stand for it, and the 28-year-old wholesale mattress sales associate knows exactly who to blame. “Every year, the boy geniuses (Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey and General Manager Thad Levine) figure out a different way to screw us,” said Rylander. “Last year we traded all our good prospects for the two worst pitchers in baseball. This year, they decide to not only sleep through the trade deadline, but they also tell the team to go out and be just good enough that they’re not bad enough.” Rylander, who was on his seventh beer of the day, tried to explain what he meant, rising unsteadily from his chair, weaving perilously close to the unattended bonfire at his buddy Torpedo’s Gophers/Cornhuskers tailgate party. “You want to know what’s happening? I’ll tell you what’s happening: Ownership didn’t want to spend any more money. Typical Pohlads, win just enough so you don’t have to take on salary,” said the yokel, who goes by PrimeLohse69 on the social media platforms he hasn’t been kicked off yet for truly horrifying TOS violations. Twins Daily asked the Minnesota front office for comment on Rylander’s alcohol-and-internet-fueled claims but has not heard back from them as of this writing. Rylander, a Blaine native, says he’s got a few more things to say about the Twins, Gophers hockey, politics, and the city of St. Paul’s policy on unpaid parking tickets, but that he “really needs to eat something first, chief.” View full article

While we all remain focused on the Twins, let’s not lose sight of the importance of laughing at the misery of others. Image courtesy of © Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports I don’t ask for a lot. But hear me out. As the Twins continue their two steps up, two steps back trek to the weirdest AL Central title ever, let’s look elsewhere. It seemed like the godless Chicago White Sox had finally decided to hit the reset button, firing GM Rick Hahn and VP Kenny Williams on Tuesday. Being unable to compete in baseball’s worst division finally held consequences. This was a signal, perhaps, that come 2024, the Southsiders would finally cease their shambolic ways and compete in what looks to be a winnable division for the foreseeable future. And then Wednesday happened. That’s when Chicago announced they brought back Tony La Russa in a consulting role. La Russa masterminded Chicago’s underperformance the previous two seasons, including getting mad at his own player for hitting a home run, truly one of the finest days in the history of baseball, unwritten rules, and old dudes yelling at clouds. He is, by some estimates, 147 years old. There are no indications from the White Sox that this is anything more than bringing in an old hand familiar with the organization to help in the hiring process for a new leadership team. However. First-year manager Pedro Grifol hasn’t done much to acquit himself, with heaps of clubhouse drama in addition to a wretched, godawful team. It’s fair to argue that no manager could have done much with this assemblage, but…he’s not guaranteed a second year, right? And if he gets the gate in October, do the godless White Sox really want to go with another green, inexperienced skipper, given how 2023 went? Or do they want experience? A World Series Champion, even? For their dirtbag fans. For their stadium named after a crooked mortgage company. For the Tigers and Royals, who deserve to have someone else in the dunk tank. For America. Bring Tony back, Jerry. You know you want to. View full article

The addictive quiz game occasionally features the Minnesota Twins. Here are the best ones to remember. Image courtesy of Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports Like many other sports fans of a certain age, I’ve become entirely too wrapped up in Immaculate Grid. The game, which gives you nine chances to fill nine boxes with players who share something in common on the horizontal and vertical axes, is a golden opportunity to Remember Some Guys. Remembering Some Guys is second nature to people like me, giving us something to do and keeping us from having to confront real emotions or spend time with family. It's never more fun than when you can use a Minnesota Twin. That fun is only enhanced when you can name a Twin who only the real sickos, like the ones who use this site every day, remember. (Please understand this is a compliment and I thank you all for your patronage.) I’ve used these Twins recently, either in team crossover categories or achievement categories (MVP, All-Star, etc.). Feel free to clip and save these for future reference, although considering how many of you are still mad about trading J.J. Hardy for Jim Hoey, I doubt you’ll need it. 20. Bret Boone. Remember when he showed up here, fresh from Seattle, looking like a deflated party balloon? 19. Harmon Killebrew. He played for the Royals in 1975! I had the baseball card! It looked like a practical joke! 18. Dave Engle. An All-Star when the Twins were so talent-bereft that, well, Dave Engle was the All-Star. Also played for the Expos, so you can use him for the Twins/Nationals! Unless you want to use Ben Revere or Denard Span. Live your truth. 17. Tom Brunansky. Don’t use Tom Herr if Twins/Cardinals comes up, use Bruno. [Expletive] Tom Herr. 16. Steve Howe. The late, very troubled reliever had a cup of coffee with the Twins in 1985. 15. Steve Carlton. The Dallas Keuchel of his day! If Dallas Keuchel was also crazy! 14. Joe Niekro. Like Kent Hrbek or Kirby Puckett, he appeared on Letterman but also played for more than one team. 13. Butch Huskey. Any time you can use a guy from miserable twilight of the TK era, you have to. It proves you were there when the only people in the Metrodome were you, the players, and Wally. 12. Danny Ardoin. Like him! He played for four other teams! I don’t even remember him. Baseball Reference better not be lying. 11. J.D. Durbin. The Real Deal! 10. Tony Fiore. The Twins and Rays have a lot of crossovers, but none more pleasing to remember than an honest-to-pete palmballer. 9. Rob Wilfong. Elite mustache. We’re entering the Utility Infielder portion of this list. 8. Jeff Reboulet. If Tom Kelly could choose between his championships or starting a team with nine Jeff Reboulets and going 0-162, he’d choose the latter. 7. Houston Jimenez. What if Joey Gallo still hit .170, but without any power? 6. Nick Punto. You honestly didn’t think I’d leave him off this list, right? 5. Jesse Orosco. The Fernando Rodney of Edwin Jacksons. 4. Jerry Koosman. He’s from Appleton, he’s in the Mets Hall of Fame, and he went to jail. You’ll be tempted to use R.A. Dickey and Tim Teufel, but jail and One of Us matters, dammit. 3. Junior Ortiz. The internet says he played 13 seasons for five clubs, but I know for a fact he was a New Prague hobby farmer who wandered into the Metrodome by accident in 1991, got a job because Brian Harper got on Tom Kelly’s nerves, and won a World Series. Someone tell Wikipedia I feel very strongly about this. 2. Bobby Keppel. He won Game 163! His only major league win! How do you beat that? 1. Jaime Garcia. He only played one game for the Twins, period. That’s how you do it. View full article

‘If they need Al & Alma’s number, I’ve still got it.’ Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports The godless Chicago White Sox have had a memorable 2023 season, even if their reprobate, degenerate fans, all of whom should be in jail, would just as soon forget it. From locker room dissension to on-field underperformance to veteran leaders getting knocked out in front of god and everybody, they’re an epic mess. The 2005 Minnesota Vikings, a team most familiar with scandal and dysfunction, have noticed. “Oh, wow,” said safety Willie Offord. “They’re really going for it. I wonder if any of them have a fake penis.” Running back Onterrio Smith attempted to smuggle the faux genitalia, called a Whizzinator, through airport security in the 2005 offseason. As of this edition of Twins Daily, no White Sox player has done this. "There's still time," said Offord. "Not even September yet." The South Siders have also parted with a slew of veterans, all of whom immediately roasted the team in interviews, reminding one former Viking of the disastrous 2005 trade of Randy Moss. “Randy would give you an honest answer no matter what, especially if he was ornery,” said running back Moe Williams. “Add that to the fact that they traded him for Troy Williamson and Napoleon Harris? No wonder everyone got fired. That the White Sox can even approach that is incredible. I’m impressed.” If there’s one thing that sets the breathtaking dysfunction of the two teams apart, the ex-Vikings all say it’s the lack of a real good sex scandal. “Tim Anderson fighting Yasmani Grandal in the locker room then catching hands in the infield dirt is great, but where’s the aquatic sex party,” asked Bryant McKinnie. “How come none of them are bare-ass naked in the stairwell of a nightclub? You can fight and talk [EXPLETIVE] all you want, but if you’re not making the local newspaper put the word ‘dildo’ on the front page, maybe hold your horses on being truly dysfunctional.” McKinnie’s one-time teammate Fred Smoot agreed. “If they need Al & Alma’s number, I’ve still got it,” said Smoot. “Let’s take this thing to the next level.” View full article

“We’re doing everything we can to not win this [expletive] thing.” Image courtesy of Thomas Shea-USA TODAY Sports The Guardians thought they’d finally done enough. In a season where they barely played offense and lost ace Shane Bieber to injury, Cleveland still could not entirely break away from the AL Central division lead. Trading Amed Rosario for the ghost of Noah Syndergaard didn’t do the trick either. Finally, they parted with Aaron Civale and Josh Bell at the trade deadline, and the early signs encouraged, as the Astros swept and no-hit them over the course of a tjree-game tilt. The Twins were set up to make an early August run and finally put the Central to bed. Unfortunately, Minnesota could only manage one victory over a terrible Cardinals team before Joe Ryan’s struggles continued in a 7-3 loss on Wednesday evening, leaving the Guardians hopelessly looking for answers. (Thursday's game had not been completed when this issue of Twins Daily went to press.) “What more are we supposed to do,” asked a Cleveland front office source. “We’re doing everything we can to not win this [expletive] thing and then your fun little Deadhead goes out and gets shelled. Do something already!” Minnesota has one of the easiest schedules remaining in the entire league and will be getting Royce Lewis back shortly. However, they made exactly one move before the trade deadline, didn’t upgrade clear needs like righthanded power or another bullpen arm, and continue to hover just above .500. Cleveland has noticed. “Good god, have some self-respect,” said the source. “You got swept by the Royals. The Royals! We literally can’t not compete with that. There are no other strings for us to pull. If we burn the stadium down for insurance money, we will go to jail. People will get hurt. We are out of good ideas. Don’t make us win this division. We don’t want it. We don’t need it. Leave us alone.” Things don’t get any harder for the Guardians this weekend, as they travel to Chicago to play the pathetic and godless White Sox. Meanwhile, the Twins host the surprisingly competitive Arizona Diamondbacks. “Remember when the White Sox were supposed to run this division for years,” asked the source. “How about some follow-through on that, fellas? We’re going to win at least one game purely by accident, maybe two. Probably be a half-game out on Monday. I can’t get mad at our players because I don’t know any of their names.” View full article

The team’s most glaring flaw deserves thorough, careful analysis. I have no intention of providing it, but how about some jokes? Image courtesy of D. Ross Cameron-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins are on pace to set the record for most strikeouts in one season. If there is one thing that’s been keeping them from separating from the rest of their lousy division, it’s this. Even some pop flies and groundouts are going to move a runner over, get mishandled, etc. Put the ball in play for the love of Tom Kelly. As for why this is happening, I have some theories: Distracted by Joe Ryan’s good looks. He’s a handsome fella. Looks like he should be teaching a yoga class and aligning chakras at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. Says things like, “You’re not the wave, you’re the water.” Smells like coconut oil and an old-growth forest. Distracted by Joe Ryan’s entrance music. Most of the walk-up music is hip-hop, contemporary Christian music, and country. Joe’s is “Fire On the Mountain” by your burnout uncle Dean’s favorite band, the Grateful Dead. It confuses them. Where’s the sick beats? Where’s the vague references to spirituality? Where’s the blue jeans? Is this a Weird Al thing? Hard to focus on the 99 mph heater at the knees. Confused by preseason fundraiser. There was probably some sort of charity drive in Fort Myers about “Striking Out Plaque Psoriasis” and the players took it very literally. Plaque psoriasis stinks but not like this, man. Not like this. Worried Taylor Swift will write a song about them. If you’re a relatively noteworthy man, you don’t want to get sideways with her and be the subject of her next song. Not just because she’s a sharp writer and holds a grudge, but also because a legion of Swifties will burn you to the ground. Why does Joey Gallo whiff at an insane rate? What if “No Body No Crime” is about him? All it takes is one person in one group chat to say, “I heard that’s about Joey Gallo” and you wouldn’t even leave your house. He’s showing up to the ballpark every day and trying his best. Cut him a break between swinging strikes. You’ll have a lot of chances. Dollar Dog Night. You go overboard on cheap hot dogs every Tuesday at Target Field, you end up with a tummy ache. So do the players. Hard to concentrate on simple tasks, much less pick up the ball out of an MLB pitcher’s hand. The recovery takes a bit, and next thing you know it’s Tuesday again and the cycle repeats. The heat. Folks, it’s just too hot outside. I don’t want to work outside. I definitely don’t want to run at full speed outside. They don’t either. Walk to the plate, either hit a dinger or strike out. Trot around the bases or walk back to the cool comfort of the dugout. Either one’s preferable to running out a grounder. View full article

The Twins have a new Ed. We celebrate him, the Eds that came before, and the Eds yet to come. Image courtesy of Matt Blewett-USA TODAY Sports Edouard Julien has made his case. Batting over .500 for weeks will do that. Fielding questions notwithstanding, it’s safe to declare that not only is he a borderline Rookie of the Year candidate, he’s very much our team’s new Ed. Longtime fans remember the golden days of 2016, when not one, not two, but three Eds provided Edheads with all the Ed they could handle and then some. Eduardo Escobar, Eddie Rosario, and Eduardo Nunez, on the same team, sometimes in the same lineup. We didn’t know how good we had it. Were we ever so young? One by one, those Eds went away, until the Twins were left Ed-less. Since Eddie Rosario departed after the 2020 season, the Twins have not made the playoffs. They haven’t even finished above .500. Correlation doesn’t equal causation? Yeah, right. No Eds, no postseason. The facts speak for themselves. [NOTE FROM STU: It’s true that pitcher Edgar Garcia appeared in six games for the Twins in 2021. But, as we all know, Edgars don’t contribute to your team’s Ed count. You can argue it’s unfair but you’re arguing with the wrong person. I just work here.] But in 2023, a new Ed has appeared. A Canadian Ed if you can believe such an absurd thing. Does Gord Julien capture our hearts and minds? Of course not, he’s playing hockey in some raccoon-infested Toronto suburb, wasting that beautiful swing on slapshots and wristers. Fortunately, his folks named him Ed. The rest is a story still being told. Does the appearance of this new Ed mean an Ed-aissance for the Twins? A quick look at their minor league system shows a cupboard bare of prospective Eds. Daunting as that might seem, the current Twins regime has proven capable of moving prospects for veterans when they think it’s necessary. There’s some Eds out there. Dare to dream. Dare to compete. Dare to win. With Ed. Until then, we celebrate you, Ed Julien. Thank you for letting us believe again. View full article

“Typical Twins,” said the bozo. Image courtesy of KEN BLEVINS/STARNEWS / USA TODAY NETWORK Unlike the NFL or NBA drafts, where players spend time in the national spotlight in college (and even high school for some basketball standouts), the Major League Baseball draft centers prospects from high school and the less glamorous college baseball ranks. It’s fair to say that unless you’re a diehard amateur baseball fan or related to one of the players, you’ve never heard of a single person in the 2023 MLB Draft. That’s not stopping Drew Barber from losing his mind. “I can’t believe the Twins lucked into the fifth pick of the draft and took a teenager,” said Barber, who has watched Skip Bayless on purpose more than once. “They are an unserious team. Heads need to roll.” That teenager is North Carolina high school outfielder Walker Jenkins. He was a consensus top five pick per multiple scouting organizations and the choice was almost universally praised. If anything, this has made Barber angrier. “This is just baseball guys covering for (Derek) Falvey and (Thad) Levine,” said the 35-year-old day trader. “They keep them as sources, so they’ll say, ‘Great pick, love this guy, you the man.’ It’s BS.” Barber didn’t know until last week that there was a College World Series, or that it was held in Omaha, or that Omaha was in Nebraska. Still, he has some suggestions for how the Twins could have had a successful draft. “This team needs a guy who can step in right away and hold down the middle of the order,” said Barber. “Take someone from Alabama or USC and roll ‘em out there before Labor Day. Done and dusted.” When told that this is incredibly rare in baseball, and that neither Alabama nor USC are as prospect-rich in baseball as they are on the gridiron, Barber shifted focus. “You can probably get high school kids on the cheap compared to some SEC stud,” speculated the lifelong Blaine resident, who could not name any SEC baseball player from this year or any year. “Typical Twins. The Patriots got Touchdown Tom (Tom Brady) in the sixth-round and we're out here getting high schoolers. Fire everyone.” Barber concluded by saying the Twins should trade Byron Buxton for Shohei Ohtani. View full article

Joyless Hopkins man wants to remind you about a couple things. Image courtesy of Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports Twins starting pitcher Pablo Lopez was dialed in on Wednesday night, striking out 12 and allowing four meager hits in a complete game, 100-pitch shutout victory. Lifelong Twins fan Ethan Sudbury couldn’t be angrier. “It was against the Royals,” he said friendlessly. “How did it take him 100 pitches to do that? A true ace could do that in 85-90, tops.” The decisive 5-0 win over Kansas City featured one of the best performances by a Minnesota pitcher in recent memory. But the sad Hopkins man wants you to know how costly it was. “We traded a .400 hitter for a guy who is .500 at the All-Star Break,” said Sudbury, who has a face you dream about punching. “We have a quote-unquote ace with an ERA barely under 4. That’s why he’s staying home next week and Arraez is going to Seattle.” The Twins acquired Lopez from the Miami Marlins for 2023 All-Star Luis Arraez. Beloved by fans, Arraez has flirted with .400 most of the season, with a minor recent slump sending him into the .380s. As noted by the dreary Sudbury, Arraez is going to the All-Star Game in Seattle while Lopez is staying home with a 5-5 record and a 3.89 ERA, although his advanced stats show that he’s been much better than those numbers indicate. The impossibly lonely Sudbury asks that you ignore them. “The Twins traded an All-Star second baseman for a middle-of-the-rotation guy,” said the 24-year-old systems analyst. “Their current second baseman is a Canadian who can’t play defense. I will die on this hill alone if I have to.” Sudbury’s family confirms he is single and would in fact die alone on that hill or anywhere else. “He’s deeply unpleasant,” said Amy Sudbury, Ethan’s disappointed mother. “He gets that from his father.” View full article