2023 Black Friday Deals in Twins Territory

Whether you hit the mall bright and early this morning or are firmly planted on the sofa with your laptop, there are all manner of Minnesota Twins gift options for the baseball fan in your life. Here are some of the Twins Daily staff favorites:

• Byron Buxton Authentic Knee Surgery Souvenirs. When doctors went in to clean up the injury-riddled Twins outfielder’s knee this offseason, they found “a lot of stuff” during the procedure, explaining why the lightning-fast Buxton struggled running this season. These items are sealed in mylar and verified by Goldy’s Locker Room, available at their Mall of America store:
  • Bone chips
  • A Missouri license plate
  • 20-sided dice
  • “Mostly full” bag of Big League Chew
  • Car keys, unidentified
  • A Twins Daily Winter Meltdown pint glass
  • Tweezers
  • Your uncle's collection of vintage Playboys

• Best of Bally Sports Streaming Package Commemorative DVD. Available online and in participating storefront churches, this collection of error messages and test patterns doesn’t work on any player and emits enough low-level radiation to be fatal to most beloved household pets.
• The Executive Guide to Firing Beloved Employees. Many Twins fans were confused and upset over the removal of longtime Twins play-by-play man Dick Bremer from the broadcast booth. This webinar, available for download from the team’s website, covers the process the decision makers followed, from how they laughed maniacally while doing so as they lit cigars with $100 bills to their plans to replace him with a skateboarder or AI.
• Ron Coomer’s John Groomers. The former Twins All-Star wants to upgrade your bathroom! He and his fellow 1997 Minnesota Twins will tear it down and build it back up into the powder room of your dreams. Prices are negotiable, but Scott Stahoviak will be sleeping on your couch for the duration of the project. He has some serious food allergies, please be mindful of them.
• Locate the Family Value Concession Stand Challenge. One of 2023’s most popular Target Field features was the reasonably priced food and drinks at the Family Value concession stands. With the team trimming payroll, offering cheap Budweiser and Pepsi is dangerous to the bottom line, but the PR hit of discontinuing the program makes it difficult to remove. That’s why they’re offering fans the chance to go on a quest to find the new, more out-of-the-way location of the booth, a truck stop in Beach, North Dakota. Tickets cost $50,000.

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